UPs and downs...

It's being quite a while

2007-10-31T19:51:00.000+08:00

I know I have being MIA for quite a while. Well, it's best you don't ask because the more you know, the more it gets complicated.

If you wanna know what I am doing with my life, I shall cut short all these in a few sentences. Unlike working people, they all have a nicely designed name card stating their particulars blah blah. Well, my job doesn't. Hahahhaa... Well, it's good because I don't like people giving away my phone no. and I end up picking up prank calls and other sick people asking me survey questions.

Ok, I will get to the point - I am a qualified registered nurse, working in a geriatric ward. My Nurse clinician asked me the other day whether I loved the elderly. I bet no one could have thought of my answer. I told her, " I love my patients more than my own grandparents" I am not boasting, am not stating false remarks. To me, my paternal relatives are as distant as any stranger on the road. My nurse clinician was shocked to hear me say such a thing because she thought that I was like any other youngster who practiced ageism ( discrimination against the older age group). In fact, I practiced lots of ageism but it's more towards the middle-age group.

Middle-age group are people who Singaporeans label them as aunties and uncles. We hate to dress like them, talk like them and behave like them because we will be laughed at like some over matured freak. This is how the society shaped us, young adults.

So it's my passion caring for the elderly.

2007-02-12T19:44:00.000+08:00

Finally, after so many weeks.... I can blog again. Had being really down for the past few weeks. Everything just happens to me. I feel powerless to whatever is happening. Life really has to go on because I am blessed to be alive on earth. Many hoped for quality life but ended up lugging on the mechanical respirator. Who am I to say, it's not worth living?

What I can do now is to accept the change as it is and never to turn back.

Thanks for all who cared for me. =]

roar

2007-01-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

Looks like life ain't the same. The older I get the more hectic life gets. I know I am getting old but things never seem to settle down. Yeah, just roughly estimated that my hair seem to be 5% white. Too much things to think about, so much turbulent events happening.

I once said all these are like challenges that keep coming non-stop. It's just a way to prove how strong I deal with all my problems. I don't know what to say but my ever-first depressing death I face in my life was the start of the rollar coaster ride. Maybe it's just the empty space I am trying so hard to fill it up, suppress the pain. Apparently, I still hadn't got it over with. Although now I feel quite settled with my feelings, unconsciously I do things to relive the happy past. There's no way of lying about my emptiness, my behaviours just show it.

No one can see the insensitive child within me, most of the time it just wants attention. People who look at me will think that I live like any other typical Singaporean girl, I could say either yes or no. Yes because I born into a normal family, typical Singaporean family, receive an education. No, because I learn how to deal with my emotions the hard way. At least that made me a strong person in general.

2007-01-05T20:56:00.000+08:00

I pity those students who have exams during Chinese new year week. There's no fun, and all they worry is getting out of the messy pile of books they bury themselves into. My CNY worry is always unable to collect ang paos and get hallucinated by the feeling of being fat after the whole day. Well, I am glad I still have the same timetable I had when I was year 1.

After 3 days of school, I could feel the pressure once again. The inablilty to cope with the workload and tons of deadlines to fulfill. I wonder how a person like me who procrastinate so much survive till now. It's just my luck; the procrastinator's luck!
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I used to think that if one day a genie lamp appears right under my nose, I would try to rub it and see whether if such a thing existed.

"I am the genie of the lamp, I can offer you 3 wishes. What do you want me to fulfill?" The genie drones.

Ahhh... Don't tell me what to wish for!! I have exactly what's installed. "Genie, I want 20 more wishes, are you willing to grant me?" BLeah, I bet the genie will give me a screwed up face and go back to his lamp.

Nah, bad idea. Maybe I would just try and tell him I just want to stop procrastinating and look more confident on the outside. (Does that make 2? Well I phased it in one sentence, so it's one! Whahahaha)

The power of looking confident, scares the daylight out of my superiors. Instead of me agreeing to them, they agree to whatever I propose. Ain't that wonderful? Yeah, so much for day dreaming. Confidence can equip me with the ability to change the behaviour people have that I hate. That sound kinda like assertiveness. Oh well....

2nd wish..... I wished that there will be some way I can paint a smile when I can't force it. Not really very good with people relations but at least I look as if I have a positive attitude. First impressions always counts.

3rd? blah, can't I keep it for a rainy day? =]

HAPPY new YEAR! Whooohoo......

2007-01-01T20:27:00.000+08:00

Another year of new hopes and dreams, new plans and experiences. In this year, I will be going into the workforce and taste the life of a normal adult where holidays are about taking leave, faking an MC. No such thing as "time's up, let's go home." The most common thing heard instead will be "I've got work to do! Leave me alone!"

Wow sound so exciting. Diaoz (I know I sound really fake...) Everyone hates to work for a living, studying is always better because it give us the right to depend on our parents for allowance. Hmmm.... Some may not agree with me because allowance is never enough for any lavish spender like me. However, after taking up holiday jobs, seeking for a place to earn some extra cash, I still think an occupation as a student still rock.

Why? A couple of simple reasons

Student discounts. Just flash that ez-link card and the cashier with just give you a discount with an unhappy face.
Student concession. Transport nowadays is so costly. I can use up a $20 farecard within 3 days. With student concession, I can same loads of money
Special treatment. "Students makes mistakes, don't be so hard on them."
HOLIDAYS. In a year, the is at least 60 days of holiday, not counting PH.
Plenty of time. There is time to go crazy on exams and really slack after the exams.
Performance is just about grades. While working, our performance is partly determined by how much the boss likes me.

Yeah, I can't forever be stuck in school. To stay positive, I have also come out with reasons why working is still better than studying.

More money, more freedom on expenditure.
Life is about working. =] The sooner I get used to it, it will be easier to cope with new environments.
Feel more motivated, extrinsically.
No more crap from school. I doubt there will be even more crap from my future workplace though.

I think thats all.

My new year resolution: Be happy working for the government! YEAH!
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My nearly 2 month old rabbit, Kira!

You may be curious why I called him Kira. I was kinda like crazy over the movie, Death note. Out of impulse, I called him that way. As time past, I discovered how much he suits that name. Firstly, he's intelligent, defiant and playful. He tries his best to get out of the cage by banging on the cage door until the clutch is loose. After that, I have to use a safety pin to stop that from happening. While attempting to lock him up in his cage, he pulled my safety pin from my hand and purposely dropped it into his potty. Really very naughty right? When he's done trying to escape, the shreds newspaper and made it into a tent! I bet Light in Death note would be like that if he had being a rabbit.

Staring out of his cage, planning for an escape

"Nah. Food is more important, plan later. "

"Whatever I do, I still won't get out one!!!! So unfair, I want to get out!"

"Nah nah, eat more, later then I try."

Was really bored at home so I made this for him.

Kira's very own t-shirt!

2006-12-26T15:30:00.000+08:00

The holidays are ending soon and I still don't have any motivation come out with things that occupy my precious time. Had being trying to conquer the stradegy of solving Sudoku puzzles. Apparently, easy and medium puzzles require different stradegies which I haven't figure it out yet!

Rabbit medicine

2006-12-20T21:49:00.000+08:00

The diversity of human medicine that I am studying now can be applied to my pet rabbit. Kira, my 5 week old rabbit has dry crust on the dorsum of his body. It felt really hard, so I thought about looking for infomation on rabbit dermatology.

To my suprise, I found that the words used were no different from the pathology we learn in human medicine. To a layman, it seem like alien language but to me, it's like reading my Med-surg textbook. Then again I thought there's really nothing to be shock about since humans and rabbits are mammals, even lthough we don't have whiskers and 2 sharp front teeth.

The problem with the information on the web is that it's too concise, there's not much to read about. Human pathology has subcategories of symptoms, pathophysiology, treatment, investigations, alternative treatment. My favourite site for reading up is http://www.emedicine.com.

The wierd thing about all this is that there is so much emphasis and research on human medicine. Doctors are specialised in either dermatology, geriatry, opthlamology, Surgery, othorpedics, etc. Animal doctors are all classified into one speciality; Veterinary Science. Yeah, what really matters is which speciality earns the most money. But who said being a Vet doesn't earn a cent or get a job easily....

Maybe if the world becomes dorminated by all 4 legged creatures, more emphasis would be put on animals. I think I will be specialising in mammal pediatric nursing (care of young mammals from birth till teenage). LOLx. Sounds pretty intrigueing, or maybe Maternal-child healthcare of reptiles. Then I would be nursing baby turtles, crocodiles and snakes. EEEeeekkk...

Never thought medicine would be so interesting until other species of animals are included in my workscope.

Randomness

2006-12-17T16:57:00.000+08:00

Hiaz, am I really that unpopular? I don't have the power of persuasion, charisma. If one day I am appointed to rule the earth, within 30 seconds everyone starts overthrowing. Somehow, I don't quite like having power over people. The responsiblilty to fail is higher than being a member of a team.

As always, I have failure-phobia. I am afraid to fail but I like taking risks. When it comes to having many people involved under my power, I get worried. I still remember that semester when I was appointed the leader; nobody is willing to listen to what I am going to say and I just submit to the fact that I can't lead anyone.

Oh man....... What to do? I am stressing myself recently to be more confident when I give out instructions. Look straight in the eye and instill the firm look into their faces.

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Just recently I told my aunt that I won't be providing her kids with tuition anymore due to my tight schedule. I tried refering her to my brother because he told me once that he needed extra cash ( which I denied when I ask him about it! Fickled-minded....) but she went silent for moments. When my cousin heard about it, they cried, " I don't want him to teach mi, I want manyun!" As you know, kids have this " I want... I want....." attitude. The more "I wants" they say, the more spoilt they are.

My cousin snatch the phone from her mom, "Manyun, you're teaching me right? Ask your brother to teach YJ." I could sense the fear in her voice. So I am still teaching them because I am back by popular demand. LOLx....

I wonder why they love me so much. Neither do I have an NIE certificate nor dedicated spirit. I sound like some quack that is all out to leech people's money. *Quack*

Reasons why I can't drive for nuts.

2006-12-15T00:14:00.001+08:00

Bad sense of direction
I can walk in circles and circles without realising I am walking in circles. If you ask me how do I go back from here, I will give you that pathetic blank look.
Once I start driving, my side mirrors will be gone.
There is a tendency I will hit the side lamps or railings at the roadside, if u ever give me a chance to drive. With my perception of depth and distance, in no time the car would be back at the repair shop.
Road names? Expressways?
I don't know how they link with each other. AYE, PIE, whatever the E is... I do hope it leads me to somewhere safe.
I am too young to die, in other words, KIA SEE!
I have seen too many Road traffic accident trauma cases in the hospital and how they ended up. It is just too painful to see myself in the same situation. I am afraid of dying right now, got lots of unfinished business.
I am bad tempered on the road
Traffic jams drive me crazy, I have thoughts of banging all the cars right in front of me if I was the driver. I could even try to wind down the windows and shout," move it!" Don't mention to me about pedestrians, I hate J walkers (although I am one of them).

Back to school tomorrow!

2006-12-11T23:05:00.000+08:00

It's long ever since I went back to poly, missed the food, missed the smell of the air-con in the library and lastly, missed the strict rules they implement on us. Never got the chance to step into our library's very own cafe. Most of the time I would be standing outside peeking in to see if there are seats available for me and at the same time take in a whiff of caffeine to wake up my senses.

Aah oh yes, and our subsidised macdonald's. Hee, I know school life is so unhealthy. It's funny to think that I don't get fat when I am in school instead I get plump during attachment. Yeah, I don't know how am I going to maintain my shape when I go out into the workforce. Just imagine the stress and my poor coping habits. GOSH!! I already have problems squeesing into tiny corners.

Planned to go back tomorrow to borrow some books on med-surg nursing, yeah, lost touch on all my year 2 knowledge. I hate it when I can't answer my lecturer's questions intelligently because I use all the layman terms. Have to impress them abit with my latin/ greek. Wahhaha.

Side track, have being thinking about people who pair up nurses with doctors as couples. In actual fact, most nurses think doctors are bunch of stuck up people in general. Mainly because they think too highly of themselves and can't be bothered to condescend to us, nurses. The worse part is their freaking handwriting and meaningless jargons/ abbrieviations. Simple medications like panadol don't even look like panadol but phnadl. Yeah, I know I complain too much. But it's rediculous. Doctors for now in my hospital are much better than the previous one.

Lecturer labelled me lousy when I can't read their handwriting. Oh man....

2006-12-06T22:55:00.000+08:00

I have always wanted to have a day whereby I do all the things I can't do when I am having school and attachment. I was puppeted by school for 6 months! Whatever the school wants us to do, we have to follow. Doris Chan says we have to submit legal documents if we need to change shift or change posting, no matter what we have to listen to her. If we are sick or unfit for work, we pretend to be healthy. YES, we pretend! That's because if we that any MCs, we have to do our replaced postings on saturdays.

What life do we have? So, finally my dream came true. I did alot of things today!

Cut my hair. Had waited for months to trim that long hair of mine simply because during attachment, it's difficult to bun up my hair if it has many layers. And when I do my dressings, my hair just flies here and there
The hair dresser really wasn't very service oriented. She kept pulling that black face on me and I felt pretty irritated because I have that impression that I owe her a living. Well, even if I haven't ate lunch for the whole day, I could at least put up a weak smile. People nowadays are so negative.
Plucked my eyebrows. I finally got my disgusting eyebrows shaped for good. Was served by a skillful beautician, she pluck eyebrows like firing a machine gun. It's that fast! Admires her skills.
Bought my friend her christmas present.
Watched Open Season. My rating: 4/5. There were times I laughed hysterically till people around me were staring at me.
Pireced my nose. Found my friends with nose studs cool because it's the mark of feminism. lolx... Knew that my brothers really couldn't accept it but soon they will becuase it's just one more hole in my nose thats all. 我的哥哥是乖乖牌。It's up to you to treat like a norm or a taboo.

Hmmm, music essentials is having a sale!!!! Going back to that shop again soon.

MAnic disorder

2006-11-01T13:36:00.000+08:00

Currently suffering from manic disorder. Sometimes I am real high, I can laugh in the face of danger, absolutely altered affect. My laughter is hysterical like the ones of a hyena. I really want the days to pass as quickily as possible, am so so depressed.

EXAMS are killing me, cramping doesn't work on me. Maybe believing in that hideous dream was right, I am going to just answer 2 questions out of 3 and leave the rest of the MCQ blank. No one can save me now, my days started darkening every minute. Curtains and curtains of shadows are shading my line of sight.

if I really die tomorrow, I will live as a zombie, an undead. To live is always about seeing the sun rise everyday but from tomorrow onwards, everything would be like a darken shroud

2006-10-11T17:46:00.000+08:00

haiz... I am really really glad I can blog! Stuck outside my house, nowhere to go.... I don't know what's wrong with me today. I forgot to bring my keys, my handphone and my pencil box. That's really crap because

I have impaired communication
impaired sense of security
I want to watch 王子变青蛙 But I can't !

='[

After realising how useless and stupid I was for not bringing those essential things, I went to the yishun library. I can't really call it a library because THEY DON'T HAVE DECENT TABLES FOR STUDYING SAKE! I have to share a space with a bunch of uncles reading newspaper. It isn't any great to sit next to a bunch of uncles who flip newspapers noisily and blowing random jets of air at my face.

I was really tolerating. The stupidiest thing that the library did was to sacrifice 2 tables for reading newspaper, considering those were the only decent tables in the whole entire library. Yishun library is the first library that I find newspapers on leash! How could they treat them like dogs? Well, I think this is really a very idiotic ideal. The "poor" ah peks have to shift from on seat to another just to read a different newspaper. How crapish is that?

Har.... All I know is that the uncles that live near the library are so poor until they can't even afford 80 cents to buy themselves newspaper. TOOTs.....

I think the uncle bau toh me and told the librarian that I was occupying the space and not using it for reading newspaper. Oh whatever! Anyway, the librarian directed me to the multipurpose room. This time, the tables were all for squating down and the one with chairs had no leg space, bad for the back! So I gave up and stomped out of that place.

Trying my luck, I picked up the public phone and dialed my home no. To my dismay, nobody picked it up. Next I rang up my brother who had the highest possible chance that he could come home early. Unfortunately, the way he sounded on the phone gave me the impression that staying outside for a longer period would be a better idea.

So I thought, where the hell should I go now? The options were northpoint, woodland's library.

both didn't suit me. I suddenly realised how great my school's library was, so I decided to go back to school. HAIZ>

2006-09-05T13:58:00.000+08:00

Gosh, I can't believe how shitty I feel right now! The people around me really sucked. All of them, haiz.... Tupid Avrel wrecked my thoughts, I am attracted to any guy already. All of them sucked in my opinion.

2006-03-23T22:42:00.000+08:00

Happiness only last for a moment and depression seemed like forever. If I ever manage to get happy again, I will let that moment be so memoriable

Sian.ZzZzz.....

2006-03-09T13:50:00.000+08:00

I have to blog in school because I had came early to get my psychomotor skills perfected. Yeah, I know I am a pretty kiasu person in general but I have to really practise alot to increase my confidence during the skills assessment. But my friends didn't even bother to come because they were just doing what a normal human should do; be self-centred and 如我为中心，目中无人。I can't blame them for being like that because we are people who are always turning towards the dark side.

Darn... How come my heart just says that I am really going to be a pathetic splinster forever just like niao ka bell. Yesterday, I was reading about why some women always gets the same guys for their steads then in my mind was thinking, "one guy also don't have, then think so much about making a list on what types of guys I have, what attributes I want from a guy" So sucks loh, life. Don't even to stand a chance for such things. Darn, am I fated or something? When some things really don't work out to the way I want them to be, I just to say I am a person of isolation. Those couples holding hands and stuff really makes me feel like crap.

Am I that pathetically hopeless? Although my friend, Av*** really treats me damn nice but he is still trying to keep a distance from me. Yeah, I can sense it. Why do I always have to suffer all these useless emotional threats? Maybe I am just being cursed by this pathetic skin. I wonder why people are so darn practical when it comes to integrument disorders. People don't care about obesity, height, stupidity but integrument disorder are just a nono to people out there.

Haiz... Nothing is going to cheer me up. Since there is nobody active in hyper relay, then nobody is there to crap about. I mean why do I still bother to think about him almost 24 hour in a day? It's practically useless and it has no future. I just have to prevent myself from making myself daydream about me geting intimate with someone because basically nobody truely give a damn about dirt.

I don't want to think anymore! Why do I bother to help people anyway? I get nothing back in return and I am still treated like dirt!

2006-02-17T13:05:00.000+08:00

darn.. I can't access to the xanga website. However, there is an access to blogger. What's the meaning of this? This is purely unfair. Haizz...

I think I am abit of stupid today. I keep daydreaming and my eyes can't stop feeling so heavy. If there is a bed right infront of me, I would collapse right in front of it now. Now I know my memory is really failing me ever since I knew that I suddenly forgot my school's password. If that is so, I will not have much faith in myself in remembering simple things.

If my brain has a defragment program, I will clear away those useless memories like those I was in great pain. If I could install it, that would make my life much easier. I won't dwell on the unnecessary. That's because I have too many regrets in my life.

drowning myself in music

2005-12-09T22:52:00.000+08:00

To think everything has ended and I won't have the reason to feel depress. Going away from home for a while is good. Well away from my mom and my irritating elder brother. I cannot click will with my mom because she is really unreasonable and power has clouded her wisdom to talk sensibly.

No one can understand how I feel. That amount of chronic stress living in my endocrine system had been fed with epinephrine and norepinephrine till it's all dried up. And finally, I am able to breathe the air of relaxation. My mom just have to stress me up with things that aren't worth stressing about.

All I want now is to stay far far from the word, "stress". A distance that I am not able to reach at all. I need to stock up my epinephrine for the next semester. I bet it will be another yr of depression and suffering.

I have to stop talking so much about negative stuff. Because I am on a holiday. The mood should be carefree. What is in my mind should be a word of " let's be calm and relax" Ommm....

Yes... My name was deleted from the list of couples. I am free from the claws of denial.

Titles are meant to be blank--

2005-11-25T00:47:00.000+08:00

I want to love someone who will give me back an equal amount of love. Fell out of love one again. I feel that nobody really cares about me nowadays. I feel like a nobody. Who am I to fake all these feelings that ain't worth experiencing?

Why won't anybody love me for who I am? too tired to blog on. Good night.

I really sian

2005-11-08T21:40:00.000+08:00

Now that I am single, that motivation to do anything just wears off. I want back that motivation, darn, life sucks. I only had like 2 week of imtimacy and now it's all gone; poof!

I depend alot on people to give me that motivation to move on in life. Last few days I was joking with that person. Once he stops talking to me, I suddenly feel so small. I feel like one small ant in the sahara desert.

Now I really sian...

Very vulnerable to depression

2005-11-07T19:44:00.000+08:00

My first day in KKH and so many things cross through my mind.

1. The first thing I saw when I stepped into my first ward of KKh, was my caregiver when I was young and feeblish. She took care of me when my mom was working. Bathing sometimes really seem to be a very difficult thing for me to do at that point in time.

She couldn't remember my face however, she could remember my name. At the current condition she was at I really pitied her alot. Why does such people who have very good hearts deserve such a treatment? GOL, at least if you really want to vent some unfortunacy on people why not vent it on people who are evil and callous.

Now I really feeling depressed. When I was young, people discriminate me and others bullied me. They use my disease as a laughing tool. I feel hurtful whenever I think of my past. It felt like horror.

2. I was right, J C XXdgX was my facilitator.

3. Stupid nurse clinician demand a case study. What's difficult was that she knows all her patients too well.

This love...

2005-11-05T00:09:00.000+08:00

Yes you can sing along maroon 5's This Love with me.

This love has taken its toll on me
She says goodbye so many times before...

I love him too much until I can't sleep. Insomia, my mind is unsettled for the day. It kept working on and on non-stop for my body to rest. I got to admit that I am insane, I can't help it because I missed him so much that I lose myself.

This is really torture for me. I wonder how am I going to go to work next week like this. Save me from this madness, please.

late at night when I am in a world sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish all the stars there somewhere you are thinking only two
Cause I am dreaming of you tonight
till tomorrow I'll be holding to tight
And there's no one in the world I rather dream
Dreaming about you and me!

sian, tired but I am unable to sleep

I finally come out from my shell

2005-11-01T22:49:00.000+08:00

I have been hiding all along with my other private blog. Things had really changed quite a bit after almost 2 months. To come out of hiding isn't easy for me, I have to refrain from blogging things that are offending to people and prevent myself from getting into trouble.

If you want me to summarise everything from top to bottom the whole of 2 months is really no problem to me, however, you must first prepare yourself with a cup of tea/ coffee / coke and some snacks.

I stopped at the time before I went for my second ISP (intra-semestral placement). I was posted to ward 9D in Tan tock Seng hosp. That was my ever last placement and the best placement ever except for the clinical facilitator. I have to say that she was really knowledgable but she is also pretty bias to my friend and sometimes I cannot take it. I ranted almost half an entry in my private blog. Nevertheless, the staff was extremely good to me, I love them so much that I can hug and kiss them if I won't an asian.

There were ITE student there to help me out in those usual Parameters, allowing me to do more senior work. I learn more in that posting than any other postings so far. I am truely greatful for it.

Things started to get tense in the month of October. In record, I cried for 5 to 10 times. Do you know how painful I felt. With so many stressors (2 clinical assessments, presentations, tests ) all clumped together in one month, It was really hard not to get sick. Yeah, I was blessed to pass the clinical assessments twice; BCLS and parenteral medications. That was when I feel very proud of myself.

The words I used in my blog were mostly "suffering", "hurt" and "pain". I wish everything would end right away. Oh yeah, I signed up for the clarinet course and 3 weeks after that I quit because I feel that I am not fated to play that instrument. The teacher was breathing down my neck and throwing tantrums at me. I can't take negative comments pretty well too.

The dream of becoming a member of a big band is really out of reach. The main reason I wanted to become a member is because I want to find someone whom I can share my entire life with. I felt wracked. While playing maple story, there was this very nice person who offered to help me level up. I was astound by her generosity and a thought came to my mind, "Why work so hard when someone like that can help me out." I need people's help to get to things I need, I can't do anything all by myself because this is how life works.

I bought the teenage magazine and I saw a cool game (Hyper Relay) .

I installed it and joined in the fun. I did not realise It had a great effect on my life. Everyone in there was so encouraging. That was where I learn to use the word, "jia you" correctly. I looked at the brighter sight of life. That is when my whole perception of life entirely changed. I learnt how to talk sensibly and make people laugh and had fun.

This game led me to know about this guy LS, he was the turning point in this entire semester. When I am really down to my last straw he cheered me up and stopped me from going into the irreversible stage. He pulled me from within the pool of sorrows. When I feel that my life is full of hopelessness and depression, he show me the other right way to life.

After that moonfairy (my HR niece), introduced me someone special. We married on 22 october 9.30pm in HR. I called him DarDar because it reminded me of dolphin bay's 达达海豚。I missed him every moment of my life.

Just last week was the exams, I stayed in macdonalds most of the time. Take a look at my study table.

Very messy right? I am glad it's over man!!! I shall stop here for now. :(

I am stress and crazy!

2005-09-05T22:18:00.000+08:00

Things are starting to stack right before my eyes; presentations, theory and practical tests. Right after the 2 weeks of attachment, I am going to die! I am starting to use that someone again as my buffer because XX has appeared in my dreams again. I really wish somebody from the opposite sex would ask me out to help me stop using XX anymore as a buffer.

I have been keeping all these feelings from my friends and family because I don't want them to see my 软弱的一面。我不自不觉发现我的特别的性格。那就是给人家看我的坚强的一面。不管我有多么的悲伤，愤怒，都是要保持那坚强的态度。

2 years ago, everyone has seen the weak side of me. It really felt terrible because I want to show them I am not any weakling. I cried day and night for such a great loss and after some time, I learned to live without dependence from my dad.

I think the death of my dad was really a turning point in my teenage life. 1 out of 5 of my entries talked about him. I know I shouldn't talk about it but I want to because it's a way of showing myself that I can talk about the death of my dad freely without feeling remorse.

Everything I do nowadays is proofing myself what I really am and not the person I feel is really a weakling side of me. At first, having a relationship is not for showing to other people that you are attached but to proof to your own stereotype that you are capable of achieving the most ultimate goal in life.

Would having a relationship really proof to myself that I am capable of independence from my dad?

The first step to being happy is to doing what my ultimate goal in life is. Yes! I want to be out-spoken in the ward. I don't want to care about the feelings about anyone because I want to learn! I make sure I speak up in the ward.

life stinks!!!

2005-09-01T11:13:00.000+08:00

I haven't started class and I am already scolding Yamaha's system!!! Why can't the teacher choose a book that is available in stock? Why is the receptionist so cold and not customer-oriented?

There's no point feeling angry about. Ok, I am feeling pretty moody lately becuase I am having my menses. All these thing just have to happen to me. I am really wondering why before all this happenings ever started, I was feeling ok.

Just before everything including way back july 2003! I hate life, there is no meaning moving on! I thought if I never had started being a human and knowing all my ethics. I don't want to continue acting the role of me!

The role of me sucks. First, you have to feel sympathy for anything unfortunate. Second, you require to hold back your emotions in front of people. Third, you must feel as if you are a nun. fourth, get bullied. Fifth, lose confidence.

You see? My role is shit! Why is there such a role in life in this world. The problem here is that I can't quit! My past shaped those qualities. People dispised me because of my skin quality was different from theirs.

I think albinos have better life than me although they have a different skin quality from people. Sometimes being normal is a really special thing. Normal is to have a complete healthy extended family, grands are still there, very loving and welcoming. Normal is to have results that will lead you to your dreams. Normal is to have a happy childhood. Normal is to go through every stage of life smoothly.

That is normality.

***

I feel being adult is boring! I want all children in this world to know being adult ain't something glamourous. Once you start landing yourself in a job, you will be working all your life and there's ain't time for yourself. All you do is to work and work and work! Once to obtain that concrete operational thoughts of being a human like what I am having now, you won't want be human already.

Life is so depressing, got job, there is no trill. Even if you have the trill, you think it's too stressful. When you are jobless, you feel deeply depress and useless.

The best dream ever!

2005-08-31T11:52:00.000+08:00

This morning, I have the best dream of ~~my life(not quite sure though)~~ the year. Guess wad?

top notch results? no.
father came back to life? no. I dream of him coming back to life every time.
Somebody I hate broke up? no. This dream ain't about my evil thoughts.
The clarinet teacher was cute and handsome? no. I wished!!!
You found a boyfriend? No. you're quite close. This dream never happen in my life!

Ok, I will stop beating around the bush. But I shall tell you now!

My idol, Wallace huo, 告白 to me!!! Arrgghhh.... It was so cool! I even go steady with him, hhahaahaha. I can't believe I've been yearning for such a thing all this while. Haizz, 幸好我有做白日梦的空间。

This stupid world is so fast-pace, in my life, no guy likes me. That doesn't matter cause I don't like guys too! Childish and frickled minded.

简直是进退两难！

2005-08-29T18:08:00.000+08:00

刚才，我写了两段被除丢了。追进，我的网际网络的线有点不稳。真可惜。看了《海豚湾恋人》的第三次，我发现泽亚是个很可怜的人，他做什么都是失败的。他认为做某些事对天边好，反而使她更痛苦。

我今天本来想写出我的悲伤的日子，但现在一点心情也没有。我这一辈子就是逃避委屈的现实吗？我想过当泥古，寻找珍爱是一种浪费时间的白日梦。新加波的男人个个比不上我的条件，都是两面蛇。一天说跟你走天涯海角，第二天宣布分手。

人好残忍。以后我绝对当一只禽兽，只懂得杀，填饱肚子。

My life stink!

2005-08-27T23:13:00.000+08:00

Yes! Watching more of dolphin bay can't help feel more hopeful of life. Although I finally bought my first MP3 player, my day was still very dull. I can't find my electronic dictionary! I searched everywhere for it. I suspected it was my cousin who took away my dictionary to play games. Then I thought I kept it away from his reach.

This is hell, I start to have bad short term memory and sensory memory. When people talk to me I forget everything in 10 secs.

I want an MP3 player!

2005-08-26T22:02:00.000+08:00

I am in a fix! I don't know what to buy; Zen, Ishuffle, muvo or something brandless that is cheap and has a 1 gb memory. I can't choose. When I take people's advise, I feel that they are sometimes very bias. Some of them are choosing something because they are willing to spend and some of them choose something that they think is of brand and not it's ability.

There are times that I want a good brand and there are times when I want a brand that doesn't burn a hole in my pocket. I feel frickled minded. I am afraid that I might regret after buying. Making a wise market decision is difficult when I really feel I have a lack of money.

I feel that I have loss the ability to spend money like water. That's because the money I am having now is not mine but the government's. My subconscious self just want to prevent me from spending unnecessarily. Argghh.. I am strangled and restrained.

My semestral break is coming

2005-08-25T00:21:00.000+08:00

Yeah! more freedom. I can wake up at whatever time I want, no restrictions. I really don't know how to cope in 2 years time when I am promoted to a staff nurse. I hate mornings, I feel all so tired and moody. Out of a year, I have only 14 days for leave. Now that I am having 62 days holiday and I still feel that it wasn't enough for me.

I always forgot sick leave. But still being sick just makes you feel worse. I hate to bed sick. I wish the government would give us more leave so that we can have motivation to work. Even GPs work 7 days a week. My GP is a really hard working person. Doesn't he need a break?

After earning so much money, he doesn't take a break and go for a holiday. Some times I think a five day week is really just enough to restore all my energy.

***

I wonder how am I going to break free from that sense of loss I experience 2 years ago. There are so many things trying to make me feel even worse thinking about it. Who is willing to help me out? How could GOL leave me in the wilderness and let me die on my own without pathways to lead me out of it?

The memory is still so clear in my mind when I saw the place when my dad and I cycle to before he was bed-ridden. It felt like yesterday we went to the park to cycle along the canal and discover the sunset in the countryside. We used to dig for gold at the vending machine. At least, I am still alive to retain such a meaningful experience.

My beautiful Birthday Presents!

2005-08-23T20:19:00.000+08:00

You will be experiencing a very bad lag because I am puting up all the pictures of my presents up! How shall I arrange my presents? Most interesting to the most boring? The ever first present to the last present that was given to me? Or maybe the excited intensity?

I think by the most closest person!

The Ang Pow

My mom whom I think deserve my greatest respect. She brought me up in her womb, to the time I was really a burden to her and now she hasn't given up on caring for me after so much trouble I created for her. For every white hair strand I see was a product of my foolishness. She sacrifice her freedom to take care of me when I needed someone to be by my side and calm my angry rashes. She thought me all the values which no one would care to teach me. Thank you mom! Love you lots and lots!

The art of Howl's Moving Castle

My 2nd elder really rocks. I love him so much after he bought me this wonderful gift that I was about to buy. He really have telepathic skills. Gosh, I bet it's really hard to learn that skill. Probably I was babbling to him about this book subconciously. haha.. I talk too much and some times don't even know what the hell I am talking about. Thanks alot fu! You do rock in your music.

Hey, take alot inside:

The art is so cool! You can't stop saying "WAH!"

The smiley 玩业

This picture consist of 2 presents. One is my elder brother and the other is my wonderful secondary school friend. Do you think that the people around me are really influenced by my character? Both of them bought me pink and they are of the same company. The problem is that I have affinity to this product. But still, thanks alot Lang and Yating.

Roald Dahl Children Books

My friend Jane was pretty observant as to understand I am a lover of children books. Yup, I was a fan of Roald Dahl and I have almost completed reading all his books, so happens I never get the chance to read Charlie and the chocolate factory because I left that book as my last choice of read. hhahaa..

The windmill wrapped pot

Hend and Denise combine forces and gave me this work of art. I loved the way it was wrapped and believe me, this is the first present in my life that was wrapped into a windmill. Thank you!

My belated birthday rocks!

2005-08-22T21:25:00.000+08:00

I am sorry that I am unable to post the pictures of my birthday presents today because I feel pretty lazy after a 2 hour night lesson. Tomorrow I will have plenty of time to do so. First, I would like to thank all my wonderful friends today; Jane, Denise, Hend and of course yating.

They really cheered me up after what happened on saturday which was so awful. They gave me a very good suprise today, I mean wOw I didn't expect a birthday cake this year manz and they did it for me! I loved them now, after what they planned for me. I feel that I am such a hypocrite.

I used to think that they are not what they seem but now, I take back my words. Tomorrow, I shall show you the pictures of all my lovely presents.

Happy Birthday to me

2005-08-22T01:42:00.000+08:00

On saturday I really had a very bad allergy attack. From morning to night, I was secreting mucus profusively. There I thought, why now? Just before my 18th birthday? I was forced to pop in antihistamine pills. I tried the non-side effects pills and it didn't work.

The only choice for me is the side effect one. I took it at 8 pm and I planned to make my birthday wish at 12am however, I started to feel drowsy at 11.30am. I feel as if I was floating in the air, stars started appearing before my eyes.

The following day (which was my birthday), I feel extremely moody. My other self kept shouting, it's your birthday! Why aren't you excited? The effects of the drug hasn't stopped and I feel as if sleep was the only way. What a terrible day I had yesterday.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. My brother brought a present that I wanted the first time I set my eyes upon it; "The art of Howl's Moving Castle". I couldn't contain my feelings the moment I saw the title written on a heavily coloured book. I loved everything about the movie even the bad guys.

After looking through the pictures, I nearly had that urge to watch the movie again (not to mention, I watched it twice on screen). You can never get enough watching such breath taking movies like "The Cats return" and "Spirited away" that's because the art really ROCKS the audience.

I really have to wrack my brains hard to buy a present to give back my brother that cost more than $60.

Eventful day

2005-08-19T23:03:00.000+08:00

A 20 year old brother that still watches anime? Arghh, can he grow up? I know inuyasha is ending its screening on art central today and I am sniggering my heart out silently. What for be so faithful to some kids show by sacrificing your sleep? It's so not worth it!

Some things are so harmful and you don't even know about it only when something bad happens. Why are singaporean guys so into anime? They are fictious and exaggerated. There's this guy in my tutorial group that keeps showing off his "Bleach" Character pictures. Some people can go to an extend in doing cosplay about their favourite characters.

GET A LIFE! Don't you have something more important to do? Anime can't enrich your future but ruin it. You may say that I never understand what it's like to be a fan to anime. You're truely wrong! I used to be a fan to Card captor sakura and I think I wasted too much time on it. My life is full of regrets. Just ask yourselves this questions, "What does this do good to me?"

Your ans may be, " I always feel happy seeing my characters!" Ya, so? Do you know this feeling wears off after time and thing become so boring that you start regreting you ever started being a fan to it.

***

My shin hurts badly after a fall. My sandals had no friction and I have this bad habit of racing down the stairs. I already knew I was going to fall but I just wanted to test these sandals whether they are that frictionless. Yes, I have proven that my sandal are fall-risk! Great, what a good guinea pig I was. Conforming to a stupid test.

Then, my friend got a bad fever and she felt drowsy on the train. It was such a pity we didn't take neoprints with her because she was totally gorgeous from top to toe.

I went shopping with another friend and something really bad happened to me. I lost her discount card 10 mins after she signed up for it. You won't understand how flustered I was when I looked into my hands and the wrinkles on it stared back at me like, " You're missing something..."

***

2 more days to my birthday!

Sensored material

2005-08-19T22:11:00.000+08:00

Yup, I just made 17 entries as Private entires! I know that's alot. Doing all this have it's benefits:

Nobody will be offended
When I see them, I will feel terribly sad
I can keep them

Yeah, That's really great. Now I can feel really sure of myself that no one will come knocking on my door or burning my front door. These 17 entries include material that will make both the person I wrote and me really offended. When time flies I shall go through them again and laugh out loud.

I got this idea from the book, Harry potter and the half blood prince. Slughorn had this really ashamed memory that he sensored it. Master at occulmens, Slughorn's memory was unable to be retrived by dumbledore who did legimens on him.

I puck up some courage...

2005-08-17T21:02:00.000+08:00

To sign up for music lessons today. I feel really good about myself. You know why? While I was planning to go plaza singapura, there was this guy at the locker that resembled bee alot and these words came into my mind, "Oh no. What is he doing here? Paint that smile on your face now!" My unconsiousness controlling me! I hate when I have to react like that even though that person wasn't bee. "I must forget him completely"My consious self shouted.

I was ten times more glad that person wasn't bee or else I won't be signing up the music course. Nobody really understand what kind of life I have been through. I have been hiding from people all my life and they expect me to vocal out my thoughts like anyone else. Talking is easy for them and not for me.

Take alot at this(if you can, click on it):

I became so happy when I recieve the membership card. Note the card glowing in yellow! Yup, I have always wanted that piece of plastic ever since I stepped into a Yamaha Store. But the discount is so puny! a mere 5% which is so pathetic.

However that piece of plastic really make my day. It's so prestigious like a raffles country club card. I suddenly feel I belong to somewhere that I thought I was living in denial for 2 years. I got to thank my good old friend jocelyn for introducing me to a world of music.

When I left the band, I thought I was free from a burden that I lay upon myself purposely from the start. To my suprise, it was actually my biggest mistake in life to do so. Band was the only place I ever feel belonged. People who don't look at appearance but the knowledge of music. I truely regretted wholeheartly.

I thought I shouldn't go back to my old life because it won't be the same. This thought wasn't a solution for me. The thought of being back to the group deepens. That's when I know I have to go back to music which I belong.

I grow up in an environment of music. My mom and dad knew each other by playing the er hu. My dad exposed me to the power of music by leting me play with his portalsound. From then, I grew interest for music. I could play notes from the score without knowledge of it. (don't I sound like a prodigy from a poor family).

***

Back to the picture, it's time for complains. Do you see that wiggly arrow with a bird siting on top of it? The receptionist ask me to buy that book from the Yamaha and I was shocked that this teacher (darted) didn't order that book before asking people to buy one. What the hack? What is this?

Mr lim XX sound really like a 30+ yr old guy. Part of his name had my irritating cousin's name and the other part had an irritating classmate's name too! I bet this teacher must be somehow irritating. Good gracious! I hope he ain't some sissy like that guy in woodlands. I think I am abit afraid of sissys.

***

I finished reading Harry Potter and the half blood prince and I think it stinks!!!! I mean it. The storyline irritates me. J.K. Rowling made both dumbledore and harry stupid idiots in this story. The dark side in this book had more glory. I somehow liked Draco Malfoy because of his brillance and he at least had some coinscience unlike snape who kills people like killing ants (but using an unforgivable curse; aveda kedavra)

Malfoy has got more emotions than any other characters. The trios are just doing the same old things like the last 5 books. I can't believe dumbledore has to die before reaching the last book. He is such a funny man.Can't he just stay around the picture frames like any other headmasters?

Fine! Since Singapore's resource is so limited

2005-08-15T21:32:00.000+08:00

Yes! Singapore's resource is really limited till I have to do it their way. A free country eh? Where in the world can you find somewhere that won't have any group lesson for clarinet? Singapore stinks!

Next thing I will do would be to call and get the best timing and price! Heehee... Not bad eh? Cutiepie will always be one.

Ok, the only great timing would be sunday 4-5pm at yamaha.

Bean curd.

2005-08-14T21:01:00.000+08:00

Toufu is a nick name for my brother. This name had a history way back when I was a 9 year old. My brother joined the boy scouts and he was a sixer. There was this junior the same year as me in his CCA.

After school, I would always wait for my brother before I go home. One day, this junior called his name loud, "TOUFU!" I was flabbagasted and voula a new chapter in his life began. haha... Something to start up a post.

Hey what the... A fly just when into my keyboard and that fly will die of dehydration. The end of another 2 weeks of attachment. Sigh, I didn't do any dressings. Life stinks.

Here's the start of my complain!!!

Why ain't there any grp classes?

2005-08-13T20:25:00.000+08:00

I went to plaza sing to enquire about the clarinet classes. There ain't any group classes. I got really fed-up and nearly want to throw up. why there are group classes for flute and sax but not for clarinet and trumpet?

I just sent 2 emails to enquire on clarinet group classes. I hope one of them have group classes in them

Feeling really dreamy

2005-08-07T23:22:00.000+08:00

I am really dream-oriented. This morning I dreamt I was yelling at the GL of motorola to let me join the band. NYP band rejects me and I feel really down. I want to join a band, something I am good at.

First, I went on the internet to find websites on wind organisations. I found a few but there is one bad thing about it, members who want to join the organisation have to audited and interviewed. There is a certain requirement:

Sight-reading. I can do that!Errmm, Not really confident about it.
2 different pieces
some other tedious requirements.

So I thought taking up a instrumental lesson, here are some of the sites I considered:

Yamaha music school I would put this as my first choice
music concerto at bukit batok
Mandeville Music and Drama at united square

Hmm... It's really difficult to decide.

Here are a few auditions of well known orchestras in singapore:

That's all but I can find out about my comunity club from my mom.

15 mins before I get out of the house...

2005-07-29T15:15:00.000+08:00

Haizz.. Going to the beach later with my tutorial group. I suddenly feel so unsociable because I have that feeling of dread that's because there is a briefing tomorrow at my hospital. I will have to say bye bye soon because I am going to alexandra hospital in november. I wish the staff nurse there would teach me everything they know.

Yeah! I want that for another year ahead (for me).
New wish list coming up.

Argghh... inner lip hurts

2005-07-25T22:48:00.000+08:00

My adult tooth is proturding to find a place to park in my upper jaw. The problem here is that there is really no space left for that sad tooth and it's all because of those wisdom teeth at the back taking up alot of space.

Can't the wisdom teeth give way to this poor tooth?

Take a look at this icon:

"oh no, I am actually reading about a blogger that is a vampire!!" You might exclaimed. Yes, a vampire has arose from her coffin! That's me! Rarrr.... *moves heavily with arms swinging back and forth*

You shall see me right behind your back about now!! Ah... ah... Don't turn your back because I can just make your last moments more gory.

alright I will stop being so crappy. I love to write fantasy but I have no time to do that. When would I be able to do what I like to do? Look at the time: 11.45am! Cries... There's really no time for myself. I want to write about love stories.

GOL, answer me these pending questions!

2005-07-11T22:07:00.000+08:00

Why am I getting too soft hearted and charitable although I know that they will forget my good deeds and they step onto my head?
Why do you keep giving me chance to make me and bee meet?
Why is dee neglecting me?
Why do I still feel tortured when i see happy couples?

GOL will never answer my questions, he only give me clues. I have to explain everything myself. For no. 1, probably I pity people with family problems because I used to have family problems too. I pity people who already knew their death day and want them to enjoy the life spend in this world. Haiz... You must know that I am leaning against a very unstable mattress. I am afraid to speak up and let people know what I want from them.

If only I had a concrete support system, I will feel more confident because there is someone behind me help me feel belonged.

She said I have changed!

2005-07-09T22:27:00.000+08:00

How could she say that?

"I realised that money can do a lot to a person - good or bad. I saw my
friend in school today. She just got sponsered by a hospital. And, wow... New
hairstyle, new bag, new handphone. I must say that her new hair makes her look
rather pretty. Oh, well. I guess money does make the world go round..."
-ScarletSong

Just look at that! Seeing me with new things doesn't mean I've changed because of money. Oh god, why do people always misinterpret my appearance? Everything she mentioned wasn't even from my pocket!!! (thanks for the compliment on my hair, I loved it too!)

And that hairstyle, erm... Colour- free, Cut-$25 That's all that came out from my pocket. I had to change my handphone, you can't expect me to use that Nokia 2100 for another 2 years? The handphone ain't any special, it's not like I am holding a 3G phone.

Hey, I need a new bag! My old bag can't even carry an A4 sized lecture notes in place. She forgot to mention my new t-shirts. Oh, they were something that I need to deter people from think that I have a very limited wardrobe. God of Luck, why am I so underestimated?

Talk about people buying original music(which I've always wanted to do), buy a dozen of comics for $5 each and expensive skin care! I have been squeezing my money too much and I can't take it anymore when people say such things to insult my actual intentions.

I work too hard for money to achieve whatever I want in order to sacrifice the fun with my friends when they were in chalet. I even got terribly sick from working too much. My life is such a tragic, 悲剧. When I really want something, I have to work terribly hard for it. Why won't it come to me just like that?

Now you know why people in my secondary school always get the wrong meanings from me.

I bet the bee I have always being talking about had also misinterpreted my mannerisms. I wish I can go inside their system and upload everything I want them to know about me.

I can't escape from torture!

2005-07-07T20:20:00.000+08:00

Experiencing love sick and numerous torture from seeing people having a good relationship. I had stepped into the second stage of torture whereby I had that feel of unfairness. Hoping I could the back the time, I would prefer not knowing the bee at the first place. I actually escaped from the jaws of deep love for the first time but my luck never struck twice.

I feel really suffocated by unwanted love. I want to drink 孟婆的忘情水. I want to erase everything that happened between us because he is destructing my life. I was going on a happy-go-lucky for 1 and a half years without experiencing it once again.

I hope the bee would tell me, " I hate you, I don't want to be your friend. " That way I will go on with my life. Why didn't he call me the way dee does? Why? Then I would just end that conversation without any hard feelings.

"That's good! Hate me as much as you can because I regret being touched by you." Please include this in the list of regrets I had for the 3 week holiday.

Never talk about your social life to me!!!

2005-07-05T18:21:00.000+08:00

I will feel tortured. Read this story of mine.

Yesterday, I told my friend that the biggest mistake in my life is to step into my secondary school. I told her, "我觉得当时我已经走错路了。不然，我就不会到这种地步."

Sigh. Why do I always feel that I don't belong to anywhere? Where ever I go, I feel out of place. At least, my life now is better than before. I used to live in a world where the people around me are cold or nasty. There's this voice saying, "You don't belong here, go away!"

There's one time at an event, it was a maths trail. No one wanted to made me become their member. I just pick any group by following to where ever they go. They didn't feel sorry for me and moreover insult my inteligence by saying nasty things. They tried means and ways to trash me.

Luckily, I was too ignorant to care much about them. What really hurt me the most was when that person, WT, called me 跟壁虫 to my friend who knew me during primary school. Don't you think that person is nasty? What have I done wrong to deserve this?

That year, one by one all my friends became to leave me. I feel so devastated. Am I that unpopular? I even thought WT spread rumours and everyone hated me like I was some kind of a virus. There was an evidence that proved everything.

WT's friend accidentally touched me and she retracted offensively and WT said," 不用怕！回家洗下藻就可以了。" Pure prejudice! In my life I've never seen such an ass before. Since then, I hated life. I yelled to the mirror everytime I went home.

"Why... Why must I face such prejudice in my life? I never chose to be like this." For some days, I didn't dare look into the mirror. All I was going to see was a person who had suffered contempt. I didn't liked the person I was controlling because the real me is different from what people see from my shell.

When I went on to secondary three, I thought I was free from my enermies. However, there was a side effect, my class was all cold and unfriendly, they mingled only with their previous classmates and once again, I was alone again. The classmates that knew me were even colder and vicious.

Is this how fate had arranged for me?

I can obtain anything but... Social wise, I am beaten. You will never know me through your friends because my social network is so limited. In secondary school, there were these very few words that I vandalise on tables:

life sux
chinese stinks
好心没好报

That's all! It's a tragic to be me. I worked hard and everyone treated it like I am an extra to this society. I had a best friend during secondary school and she was a really sensitive person. We quarrelled once a month but we still got together. Once she scolded me 活不耐烦。 I felt that was really heart breaking. Well, now I can admit to that because you people keep taking advantage of me.

A bad start for me in poly I suppose. When people say about their private and social life, I felt tortured. I had never experienced it.

I used to think that what I see in people is that simple and striaghtfoward. I am starting to change this mindset already. I will now learn to speak in simple vocab to strangers because I know using too much chim language could hurt their intelligence.

Lotz and lotz of photos for you to see!!

2005-07-03T11:11:00.000+08:00

ok, I just signed up for a new M1 line under my name. I've got a handphone which I felt was really modern. It has everything I ever wanted on a phone; bluetooth, camera, great games colour, videocam. **This entry has pictures that help me do the talking***

An S65 from Siemens. I love it.

This is the walkway just beside my house. Looks pretty like an abyss. I used to dream of the staircase to the ground floor was like endless, I couldn't reach. My cam protrays Singapore as a clean city with smooth and shiny floors. haha.

Two days ago, I went to this japanese resturant at cineleisure. This is the menu. I made it sound like some high class eatery but if you know what I am talking about, it can only compared to a coffeeshop. I ate the Soba which can also be known as 冷面(cold noodles). Hey, it's cheap and delicious.

This is a screenshot from a drama series I bought recently, 千金百分百, 100% senorita. This is the part where Peter Pan, 潘彼德 experience a downfall in his life. The person he wanted to kill didn't die and she is back to take revenge. The other guy is his colleague, someone who supports everything he does but feels that the chairman, 桩飞扬 is such an empty shell.

A very sad scene in the drama. Peter pan refuses sha sha's love. She was very good at showing her hatred and everything. Ok, I want to say this to every script writer who writes dramas; Why must you always end a person's life with a terminal disease? Out of 5 dramas I watched, 4 of them had their main characters dying from a terminal disease. Which I think, this type of plot is becoming a cliche to me.

Ok, Here is my IDOL!!!

Yeah!! Wallace huo, 霍建华, he's got those really attractive eyes and those lip no other guys have. Yup, extreme charming look. His music rocks too.

*stoping here for now. Going to my aunt's house.*

Ok, I am back. My aunt scolded me for nothing. She said that I made the administator let other people know about her monthly pay by faxing to the wrong places. I argued back by saying the truth; My aunt gave me the wrong number to fax. How can she blame me??? Then she turn the subject away by saying that the administrator was not doing her job well. What the hack???

When someone grows older, they start to lose their understanding (智慧). She never understand that she is in the wrong. This is crazy! She even complain to my mom and made me sound like the murderer. Argh...

Back to showing you pictures.

This is Joe Chan acting as 梁小凤. I have always liked that smile of hers. She is really good at acting. I love the way she express every emotion.

In this show,

I feel that good guys will eventually become bad guys and the bad guy learns to be good which I think is a very original plot. At some point, I pity the bad guy, peter pan. She tried to murder fei yang because he needed revenge. At first, I pitied fei yang because she 一无所有。However, she wants to 一脚踢开 my idol so that he won't feel sad a about her death.

Haha, I know I am being too revealing. I don't care! This is my blog, I can do anything to it. Tomorow would be the start of my school ~~semester~~ Boredom. It is going to be a very bumpy ride.

Why my brother keep degrading me??

2005-06-27T21:36:00.000+08:00

He keeps rediculing my clarinet skills. What the... How can he do that to me? I am already not good at anything. HE STINKS!!!

My three weeks of holiday's ending...

2005-06-27T11:08:00.000+08:00

yup.. I am now left with 6 days to enjoy myself before I go back to endless work. Damn! I really wished to buy the VCD, 100% Senorita Twins. It has got 2 of my idols working inside, penny Lin and Wallace Huo. The problem now is that I have no money!!!!

This holiday made me enounter so many regrets. Firstly is lending money to my friend Alvin. How can my foresight be such a failure? I predicted that he would return my money by 2 weeks and now it's like (looking at the computer calender) 7 weeks already!!!

Secondly, it's not going for the invitation from the student office. That is really a very big regret for me. Although I knew that going for the year 1 orientation can solve everything, it was in vain. I knew I should had stayed at home and wait for the call. SIGHZZZ..

3 days ago, I chat with a guy I had never seen that shy before. He was making me really mentally drained! I asked him questions and he just gave me that one word answer. Can't he just elaborate somemore. I wonder how he passed his 'O' Levels English Oral. Sighzz, sometimes I really wonder whether he is really the one wanting to know me or is it dee trying to make me match up with him.

Then I asked dee whether in real life is he that shy and guess what was her answer.

"U nv tok to him, he wun tok 2 u 1"

I rephase that in a more understandable way.

"Which means I poke him, he just response. However, he won't poke me back"

Yupz. That's what she meant. And yes! That guy I talked to was behaving that way. I really don't like this type of guys. I prefer those who shows interest, not those who lie around and wait for people to feed them.

I am still deciding whether to buy that VCD. With only 6 days left to enjoy, I will do anything to make use of that time I have left.

Has god of luck sent me someone helpful?

2005-06-20T22:40:00.000+08:00

God of Luck sent me someone who is my goddess of Romance. I feel so touched, GOL actually listens to my disires, my hopes and dreams. How can anyone stay 24 hours watching over me 袖手旁观? He's got to do something about all this loss and torture I've being experiencing for 2 years.

One question started popping out of my head; Will this loss ever end even if I have got a guy holding my hand?

I used to think that after getting the sponsorship, I will be able to be free from the feeling of loss. Sadly to say, I hadn't. The greatest 愿望 I ever want to achieve won't be happiness but to be able to relief from that sense of loss!

It's pretty difficult you know even after 2 years. I still dream about my family. It will always include my dad in it, no matter how. In such dreams, I treat my dad as alive and kicking. He was still there to share my sorrows and laughter.

In my consious state of mind, I accept his death. However, I am still in denial in my unconsious state of mind. Haizz... Where do I go to for comfort and some consolation? Probably writing a blog can help me alot.

Hey, I have a very good score for that EQ test I took yesterday. So, you can start saying that I am a strong person emotionally.

Who says I slack at home?

2005-06-17T22:22:00.000+08:00

Slacking is a very difficult occupation, I find it difficult to step out depression. Once you stay at home in a weekday, you feel deeply bored because there is nobody to share the boredom. Hey! I love to 发呆。I did that today for 3 hours.

当我发呆的时候，我可以记得很久以前的事，梦想一些我这一生做不到的事。"Yes! this girl is definitely slacking." No! you are wrong. I had 2 lessons of a totally different nature.

I learned contonese for 1 hour
Practise some cool music with my clarinet

What a cool afternoon.

I feel suffocated once again

2005-06-14T12:49:00.000+08:00

This isn't work or school. I am enjoying my vacation, man! You may think I have very high level of stress, can't take simple things easily. Wait till you listen to my side of the story.

It all started with a friend of mine. Lets call her Dee. She was like a stalk of flower that has rich nectar. A special type of nectar that attract bees of all kind. In this context, the bees are guys. I am the stalk of flower right beside her watching her joy and laughter. A very normal reaction would be jealousy.

Dee always do disgusting things in front of me, making me feel tortured.

In my life, the only type of bees are

my brothers
my colleagues in work
cold shouldered classmates

That's all. Untill yesterday, I met a very friendly bee and he is very soft hearted person. However, I knew he was an oasis. No matter how you want to get to him, you won't able to get him. I bet all the other bees in the world that are friendly and soft hearted are oasis.

This then again make me feel is another torture to me. I always 自作多情 for no reason. I know I should feel that way but it keeps coming back. I wished to convert every bee to my brother. Then I wouldn't have to worry about having any BGRs. Having BGRs is disturbing. If only scientist can invent something that can make women concieve without the help of guys.

No couple love and heart breaking hatred will happen. Women can live on their own can carry on with their lifes.

This morning's dream was horrible. Once again, I had another dream about this person (read this damn person's entry). It felt like another continuation from the previous dream. This time Dee knew about my relationship with him. She was so furious that she was almost raising her voice at me. I even held his hands in public. OMG!!! How could I do that?

I even said I missed him when he wasn't around. What is my instincts telling me? I don't want anymore of the dream continuing. It's horrible and disgusting.

No... I missed the club crawl!!!

2005-06-12T20:36:00.000+08:00

My evil friend just never told me about the club crawl! Damn her... Can't she just tell me it's on thursday and friday???

Ok.. Don't panic. Think, think... What do I want to join? Band? I am so confused. Someone please enlighten me. To join or not to join? What stops me from joining is the band would be I feel that my skills really sucked. However, a person like how cheh can join the harmonica group without freting.

Sigh, ah yes! I still have chance. I can just send an SMS to the person and say I wanna join the Band and that's it.

****

I had a really great dream today. I dreamt I held my Idol's hand and I knew I shouldn't do that because I am just a fan. Oh that feeling is so great.

假期该做些什么呢？

2005-06-11T17:07:00.000+08:00

上个礼拜，我一直在忙工作的事而有时不知不觉地望了忙完了之后,该做些什么？幸好我已经想到几个好建议。首先，我想学广东语。我的原因是很简单的。广东话有很多用处，比如说，香港和广州都用广东话来沟通。如果我想去香港购物，买新加波没卖的东西，那就好多了。

你看我多为自己的快乐着响。然后，我想继续画我的漫画。最近，我发觉自己的画画的技能已经退步了很多。还想把那些优秀的杰作扫描近电脑里头。我再也不要做十字缝了因为它太复杂。时时刻刻，弄我觉得愤怒。我可以使狄斯耐(disney) 的bambi 站得很怪。哈！哈！

为什么我有一个没用的哥哥？吸一下灰尘就不用做别的事情了。好幼稚！

Free at last...

2005-06-10T21:29:00.000+08:00

I am free from responsibilities, free from mistakes, free from lethargy, free from being ordered around and free from any real world stress for the entire 3 weeks.

Looking back at the entries I had made. In the May 26 2005 entry , I had predicted the following outcomes:

A black and long face like the staff in this ward
Have pain when I smile
little or no pride in my work
hatred when serving people
have sense of drag everytime I go to work

Ok, I am really a bad future forecast because 1 to 4 didn't turned out as expected for the whole 2 weeks. I smiled happily throughout this whole attachment simply because all the patients in my ward really touched me even their relatives. I loved the patients.

For no. 5, I agree to it wholeheartedly. For the whole of this week, I drag to go to work because of ZCL. I can't stand the way she treats me. However, I loved to see my ex-staff from 12B every morning. Sad to say, I never get to meet my nurse Idol, Kathy.

I wondered why I had to suffer the fate of being lonely and tortured at the same time. It felt like hell handling TPRs and feedings all by myself. Nobody ever sympathise me except one person. Hiding feelings from someone hurts me. Sometimes it kills me badly when my colleague orders me around like as if she is one of the staff in the ward.

What made it worse would be the cleaner using the unit nursing officer as a shield to entitle her to be inferior. So what if you know the UNO? You don't have to be such a pain in the ass while speaking to me. Something as small as puting the bedpan in the correct place will make the UNO fail me? Oh come on, she has more important things to do than this 芝麻绿豆 matter.

Having an accident happening under my name in the report written by the NO could really make me suspect whether she had 2 faces.

But 我还是我, no setback can put me down to as low as depression. I pick up anything from scratch without you knowing it.

Using positive reasoning can solve anything.

Loneliness doesn't effect me at all, I accept god of luck's arrangement. Even so, I started learning to depending on myself as young as 13 years old. GOL took away my dad to leave me in a canopy of darkness. Ok, what is done is done. I had to learn from scratch to get independence from my dad. What I used to rely on him, has to be corrected.

Doing TPR and feeding alot doesn't mean anything bad but help me sharpen my skills. Moreover, i have learned to be more effecient each time I feed a patient.

About people ordering me everywhere, I do more, I learn more. I gain more from it.

There... Everything is solved psychologically.

Har, talking about patients making me feel touched. There was this ah pek who doubted my strength, in the end he surrendered and said, "看不出来，看不出来". I wanted to tell him that I have lifted someone thrice as heavy as you up the bed before.简直是小巫见大巫。

My last day ended with the sister asking me several questions of the same nature for the third time. Her anger stepped back when she spoke to me. I can't believe a tyrant can say sympathising words to me. It made me think again about pointing that middle finger at the ward I held back for 3 weeks.

My sister doesn't fit to be a NO. She wants to have a good name, however after the incident I caused slightly diminished her wishes. Why does she care so much about what other people say about her??? What matters is that her conscience is clear. 1 incident doesn't represent anything, accidents happen. Sigh, not a really hardy NO. Haven't you thought about the good things that happened in the ward?

All because of a complain, you think the whole ward is lousy. Have you ever thought that a world without complains won't be as fast-paced and challenging? A complain drives us to understand our mistake and not to repeat them. A way of calling it a motivation with a touch of negative effects in our emotions.

Sigh, she is so old and she has alot to learn. To learn to control her anger, and take things as it is. One setback enables a person to even more successes.

Just 1 more day, 1 more day.

2005-06-09T21:36:00.000+08:00

Geezz... My diary isn't signed and I have to hand it over to the tyrant. Ok, I am going to faint. I am so fustrated today. Everyone is ordering me around today. I feel really used that's why I have to do this last "dedication" before I leave this hell of fire. It's a really special thanks to the hotest topic of the week: ZCL registed on 15 july 2003, just when the SARS outbreak almost subsided and 7 days after my dad died. Damn...

The awakening of a devil from hell.

Today sucked to the core.

ZCL on my team, omfg she came late. 7.10am...
early in the morning, the son of a patient, XY, describe my way of doing things crazy.
Sister threw her temper on me all because of the claim form
ZCL continues to rant on me
my collugue orders me around

The whole morning was horrendous.

What made me happy was XY. While ZCL was changing her, she screamed and yelled loudly. The first ever patient that I met was so dramatic. When I went in, she said this really touching thing, "She is much nicer." in mandarin.

This event turned everything from down to up.

I usually don't believe such things but...

2005-06-07T22:24:00.000+08:00

I think I believe in what I did the previous life. I believed I must had defy the god of luck somewhere. Probably, I was a pretty charismatic person and I must had done something wrong and a heavenly spy come to earth and assess what type of person I am. Unfortunately, he came to know about it and he writes down everything in that little notebook in his pocket:

MayBelle (my previous life name), ID: 0392849120, forgets old friends and she has too many guyfriends. 9 out of 10 of them are got really hurt by her because she's such a slut. Everytime she gets into a relationship, she grab hold of their financial capabilites and dump them. I feel sad for them. God of luck, please make her see what is it like to be lonely and ugly in the next life.

Now, here I am having horrendous skin tone and a very lonely life. I very overly being bully by people. Why? I used to bully people in my previous life. I accept it. Yes, I accept everything god of luck has planned for me. I will accept that I will be a very lonely person for the rest of my life. Even how I try to nice to people.

However, I will still be nice to people because I will let my next life be a good one. I know that I am a very hardworking person and people take advantage of it.

I have an idol! I adore Wallace Huo! He's really make me shuai4 dai1. Now you can't say I suck at find my favourites. I am glad I am able meet a person in my life.

Being human is about taking risks

2005-06-04T01:36:00.000+08:00

Do you agree? No? Let me my point clear to you. When we take on any role in life, we have a certain amount of responsibility. This word "responsibility" is a word that clings on to anybody from the moment you open your eyes and a sound mind sets in.

Sad to say, being human isn't easy because we have this word clinging on to us all the time. Whatever we do, we are liable to consequences whether good or bad. Just take for example, a very fundamental activity in life; crossing the road. Have you ever thought that crossing a road would put you at risk, at a risk of having serious injuries that will make you end up in your coffin?

Yes, crossing a road is a risk. Going for a swim in a very deep pool is another risk but many do not realise that anything bad will happen. Even a puddle of water can cause you a bad fall. I mean you can't make you fully safe all the time because at any moment you are 1 step closer to something you do not anticipate.

Age doesn't contradict my point. You say babies have no responsibilities but they do. They have to cry out loud to get your attention and feed him before he dies of starvation. They are at risk of fall and starvation. We can't prevent it because humans make mistakes.

Ok, are you convinced? With a reason like this, I find that the recent fall incident is the act of letting her disease show me that I had made a mistake in not taking up the right clinical dicisions.

Afternoon shift rocks, the staff nurse feel great in that shift but not in the morning. Probably all of them get moody in the morning. Oh sian, I suddenly feel sleepy. Got to go to bed.

Ok, I am a goner...

2005-06-01T22:04:00.000+08:00

Yes I am! I was related to a bad incident today; a poor patient fell. I have a deadly secret hidden inside me that I must not let anyone know it or else I would have to replace all my 15 days of attachment in that hellish ward.

It really felt like hell. No space to breathe, no space to voice my opinions. The staff were like the hell controllers. You really can't do anything to make them happy. Sometimes when the staff corrects my mistakes in a very angry tone, I just want to collapse and say, "Just shoot me!"

I make the most stupid mistakes untill I can't take it anymore. I am left on my own to solve my problems. Maria has got xin yi, chua has got Ee. Min er could have got her boy friend. What about me? Locked away in an isolation cell. It isn't easy to be me when the scary sister is always on your shift. She warns me over and over again about failing me.

Like what fatiah has said, " She drains the confidence out of you!" She has acomplished her mission. I have loss most of my confidence in geting my work done in pride. When the old lady, Aileen, noticed how I fed her, she knew that I had completely lost my confidence when I did my work. I jittered involutary.

The lecturer intends to report the fall incident to the clinical head of department, Doris Chan. She wants me to write a memo(report). I almost fainted to the ground. She said that would arm me from failing. I mean whatever! I won't becoming back to level 8 hell anymore!!! If I tell you everything, I am a very innocent person. Nothing points to me saying that I am at fault. What can I say, if someone wants you guilty, they will find different ways to get the truth hidden away from anyone.

After this incident, I bet everyone will not trust me anymore. Hey, who cares! I am left with 7 days. After this 7 days of pure torture, I am free from worries. If and I say if I am able to get out of this incident alive, no chains and locks tugging onto my hands.

I shall celebrate this occasion. The party will be called, "The end of misery". All I really want now is the patient to be completely well and get her discharged. I will be in great estasy.

Count down to last day: 9 days

2005-05-30T16:36:00.000+08:00

Argghh.. I can't continue anymore in this hectic, stressful environment. Ok that doesn't sound like me. I am a strong girl who can take any obstacle. The will to be strong is fading by the day. I used to have a 100% confidence and now 20%. It's the first time I am counting down the days left. I feel really useless.

I found someone who still recognise me. What is saddening is the way she treats me. It's the same way the other staff treats me. It doesn't really make any difference. I just need a glass of wang qin shui to forget everything. Everything won't be as painful as what I am feeling now.

How would you feel when you recognise someone and that someone totally don't even have a single trace of you in their memory?

When sometimes you really want to forget something and it keeps coming back. On the contrary, sometimes you really want to remember the incident forever because it's too good to be true, it just fades away unknowingly.

If only the human brain was so easy to control, life won't be so difficult for all of us. Complexity keeps us humans from finding out more about the AnP. Which makes our nursing textbooks so thick.

Too tired to carry on..

Back again...

2005-05-26T23:39:00.000+08:00

I took so long to update this blog solely because I am too tired and lazy to log on to Blogger to do everything. It's my 3rd day in the same old medical ward and I am starting to look forward to the day whereby I get back to my holiday mood. Counting down the days I am going to work, I have 11 days to bear.

That's not so bad come to think of it. I already feel unhappy by the 3rd day, what about my last day. We shall see. I really want to know what have I beame after this attachment.

I bet I will have

A black and long face like the staff in this ward
pain when I smile
Little or no pride in my work
hatred when serving people
that sense of drag everytime I go to work

Do you want to know why I say this? This is the type of environment I am working in where the staff can't force a smile on their faces and the tone they use on students sound as if I owe them a living. Hey, don't you forget I am doing free labour here!!! I came here to help you out but not help you use me to relieve your anger.

Is that how a senior treat juniors?

First of all, they can't use a more service like tone on us. Communication here is really hostile. 9 out of 10 times, they can stop losing their temper. Is your patience so limited? Then I suggest you don't take up this job. As a staff nurse, your job discriptions includes teaching young nurses.

The other day I heard the sister requesting the staff to smile abit while serving clients. The staff argued that if she smiles, it would be very fake. It doesn't matter whether if it's a genuine or a fake smile, what matters is that a smile brightens up a persons day. As humans, we have the advantage to express messages through facial expressions. A smile is a symbolic interaction that I find very rewarding when you see the opposite party doing the same.

Why not take this advantage in good use rather than pulling such a long face like what animals do?

Damn! I do missed my previous ward staff, I am always longing to see them again. Even the most stuck up nurse crack jokes and smile. Why can't the people in my current ward do the same?

I missed Cathy!!! *sobs painfully* Eventhough she has a bad day (on call doctors were not available) she still put them aside and does her things the same way. I really look up to such people.

What I find different about my current ward is the way they pass report. They speak really un willingly and mumbles most of the time. Sometimes they won't even give a damn on presenting a new case. I truely hate it! Cathy rocks!! She speak clearly and presents every case very well. My god, I love the way she does her work.

ARgghhh.....

2005-05-23T05:32:00.000+08:00

Just had a nightmare. A really bad nightmare. I dreamt that my brother did a mistake in politics and he was going to die argghhh.... I can't accept it! It was too real. I ask him what happens and he still gives me wise reason, "I wasn't listening in class. I thought wara..(some topic) was too boring."

Damn him, how could he do this to me? All because he didn't listen to class and he is going to die? My precious sibling dying? The punishment is stupid. They skin people alive, sounded really like some 13th century type of punishment.

I saw how it was done, it's really awfull to see. The people had to take a break. So I was at home enjoying my last days with my brother. Supprisingly, my dad was back. Well, his body had returned but not his temper. He became very bad-tempered when I told him about spending time together.

I begin to see the things that belong to my brother with the thought floating in my head, "After today, he won't be seeing his precious computer which he build it up by himself. " Pearls of sorrow rolled down my crimson cheeks. By then I realised how stupid am I to curse him about death.

There he was lying down on his bed. I hugged him tight! I suddenly found out he was shinking. I almost yelled in dispair. Why are you getting so short all of a sudden? There were exudates coming out of his wounds. I feel terribly horrified.

The day has come and everyone was there. The place wasn't anything 13th century, but more like 22 century, It looks exactly like the senes in the music video, universe by BLUR. The walls were painted white and the lighting was very bright. Seats were arranged neatly into rows of threes. I sat at the very front, behind me was my grandmother. My cousins and my brothers did a karaoke session which was quite funny. (which I know is out of nowhere)

When I screamed loudly in my brains that all his possessions are no long his, I woke up at a start, gladly realising it was only a nightmare. Phew!

Can't sleep! 4am in the morning, Arghh

2005-05-19T04:35:00.000+08:00

I slept at 11.30pm and I woke up at about 3.30 am. This isn't the first time, last 2 nights I always get awaken up at 5am all of a sudden. Why? Trichotillomania Attack!!!

I won't explain what that means. What you should know is that it's driving me nuts.
****
Enough of complaining. I invited my friends from school out. It's being 1 month ever since I saw my friend. She hasn't change much.

Now I understand how happiness is so easily achieved. First you must have very strong and unchangeable interests. I have very frickled interest, I am afraid I get too obesess over it and neglect reality.

I must not have that concept still thriving in my body. It does me no good. No wonder, obtaining happiness is such a difficulty. I never enjoy great happiness up till date. Always searching my interest now and then. How can anyone do not know her great interest without feeling guilty about?

Suddenly I feel like a psychic.

2005-05-17T17:39:00.000+08:00

ok, I predicted that something that would cock up and make me embarrass in front of my auntie. Realising that, I made sure I had my mind all alert. The problem did not occur in me but in the human resource management.

First time ever, I have seen someone who is 10 years older than me does things the same way as I do. I could collasped immediately. I could imagine myself doing that many mistakes in front of 2 surieties who earn many times more than me. I bet I will be more alert than her. I knew it, my intuition is always right.

Ok, I pointed out her mistakes again and again but still she hasn't asked for my account no. *Cries*

Looks like will have to bear with it for 1 and 1/2 months before I can do what ever I want. I am now pondering hard how am I to get my new handphone without making my mom kill me for buying something unacceptable for her because 2 more weeks before my money comes, my handphone contract is gone. Sigh.

I want so many things, but I just have to wait for it. Lending money to people doesn't include interest, does it? I thought he would at least put in at least $10 for my prompt action. sad hor? Never mind.

I am currently starting to hate korean series for a couple of reasons:

I don't understand them when they use mandarin to translate whatever their saying. It doesn't fit at all.
I am egocentric. I like series that speaks my language.
I am attracted to buying series that had handsome guys. (I am a very realistic person)
Korean series has the most cliché plot I have ever seen.

Huh? what?

2005-05-15T09:41:00.000+08:00

I woke up in a sudden to hear my mom report, " I am going for facial, meet me in tampines at 11. After that, we'll go to tarang bulan (my relatives' house)"

I pull myself together to think, today is sunday, not a day to go sign my bond.okok. But I thought I was suppose to use the dye hair solution today, WTF?So I told her that I was going to dye my hair today.

"Please don't. You look ugly with that type of hair!" Using her old dogs don't learn new tricks type of expression

"But it's the trend!" I argue, flashing back about the no. of ladies out in the real world dying their hair, it's like 2 out of 3. It's not weird or funny to dye hair, it's a total norm to do that! Come on, it's the 21st century.

"OK. You can bring ur solution to your relative's house. Maybe Da mai will help you do it. Save cost." As if I can't do it myself.

I didn't carry on with the topic because I know it's meaningless speaking to someone who is still stuck in the 20th century. Before that conversation, I was actually dreaming about my cousin, who wanted me to play with me some wind game. (forgot about its name, obviously)

I reassured myself by saying, "Please don't tell me it's war wind.. eh no.. Ice Wind Dale." I played that game and I am feeling really pissed off about it because I don't like reading stuff on the monitor screen nor would I like to read every single story passage.

"erm, no." He murmured.

****
Cut my hair yesterday. It was a great experience. Firstly, I know I was going to be cut by a lady but instead a young chap. Cool! Although he sound so dull and boring, he's got the looks. Sad... Another imperfect person.

How I really wanted to see a person I recognise, yesterday but there was none. How ironical.

My new cover

2005-05-13T21:21:00.000+08:00

This is really my new cover. No pulling your leg. 100% true.

I know the other one looks a little wierd but this one is much better right?

Ending...

2005-05-13T13:47:00.000+08:00

The last hour of "At the dolphin bay" was really sudden and unnatural. It reminds me of the way I write my essay. To think the way my teacher commented on my plot, I can really compare it to the way the script writer finishes the ending.

I have already figured out this before I started watching the last hour, I thought that within an hour a story cannot finishes without matching with the beginning and at the same time, have a natural feeling. Hahaha, I still remember very clearly 2 years ago, while I was a secondary 4 student.

I used to write essays that have a very sudden ending, both unsatisfying and wierd. That's why I never excel in essay writing. That's so sad.

Let me explain why I put it this way. Ok, lets start with the relationship with tian bian and xiao gang. They started out pretty well. How can anyone resist a person who is caring, handsome and most importantly who has a crush on you?

Even you have already a crush, but still the way that person treats you, it can really wipe off the love off someone. I think tian bian is a very ungrateful person. Although I never being in a relationship, but I felt being rejected is liked.

Then she doesn't even give him a chance. Then, xiao gang was back to man qing after tian bian told him to look behind him before he does anything. Doesn't Xiao Gang used to love tian bian? How can his feelings change so fast? See this is what I mean when endings are sudden and unnatural.

Next, Ze ya and Tian Bian. Ok, I know they were destined to be as lovers because she confessed to him her love at the dolphin bay. But still it feels really weird. Didn't she hate him because he cheated her about his status and made her break her heart by doing all those ekky stuff in front of her?

Having meet up coincidentally at Saint Theresa, Ze ya and Tian Bian are together. That type of ending really sucks. I can now understand how my teacher feels when she reads my ending. I would be very pissed off.

However, the body was fantastic! Not even korean dramas can match up to such a lively love polygon. I sometime feel grateful for having an ad-less drama without feeling fustrated.

Finishing a touching love story

2005-05-12T18:11:00.000+08:00

Just left one more hour and the show is over.... :( Whatever happens, I hope I don't get too obsessed with it. Let me show you what my VCD cover looked like:

It really looked like that! You've to trust me. Actually, this is not how my cover looked like. It's my ideal ending for them. hehe... Wonders of photoshop. Has my skills improved?

As a human, I feel lucky to have an imaginative mind. A mind that can make wonders without making it a reality. I've always thought that handsome guys are flirts in nature. I can never achieve guys like that in my life because good, caring and stable handsome guys has extinct in my society.

But with an imaginative mind, I can have the chance to dream as much as I want without hurting anybody or even myself. Because in reality, good things have consequences. There is never a perfect world shaped for you only.

Sigh... Why is real life so hard? However, hard life is challenging and it makes us want to do something to make it easier. Or else, we will be lying around all day doing nothing (just like what I am doing now...)

Oh my god! I am obsessed

2005-05-10T22:23:00.000+08:00

Since there is a 2 weeks break for me to enjoy I might as well buy some VCD to occupy my time. Last week, I missed 2 episodes of "At the Dolphin Bay" and 1 of it was in its climax (had to work afternoon shift). I bought the box on saturday and at first I regretted buying it solely because I can watch it on tv and I had watched parts of it already. But still, I didn't know what was happening and why they are acting this/that way.

So it was a good buy, I do need it. Ok, I trying to save cost the best I can. Fearing that one day, I would be an impulsive shopaholic. I loved "At The Dolphin Bay" better than other dramas I've watched my entire life. Here are the reasons:

The plot is very original. Never hovers around 2 main characters, but at least 4 characters are involved in some kind of relationship too complexed to be explain.
The actors are totally gorgeous!! (Isn't that what we see when we buy dramas)
I nearly fell in love with the fictitious charactor, xiaogang
Music is great but kept repeating
Can't stop praising the script writer, as a viewer, we see how each character cheats into their way.

My biggest problem now is that I am obsessed with the show. It's such a perfect work of art, from my point of view. I must get to know who wrote the script. *shows a thumbs up*. I need to get my mind off it. Or else I can't concentrate on my things.

With the cross stitch design done in a mess, I can point to me being too obsessed.

Can anybody bear to leave a heavenly place?

2005-05-06T23:28:00.000+08:00

The feeling came back to me once again ever since my dad died. A wave with a thousand words. The look on Kathy's face made me want to bawl loudly on someone's shoulders. In three weeks, I am able to develop a relationship with someone. When I am forced to part from joy and laughter, I can't stop freeing greatful.

In this ward (which was different from the previous) I was able to:

Fold my arms freely (I loved to fold my arms, it's my habit, my mannerism)
Ask questions without being snapped
Slack around with my conscience
surf the internet
chat with the Staff nurses
sit on the chair

in contrast,

I had a lecturers who remaked me poorly
I had lousy facilitators
I have many demanding patients
I had a lousy score

When something is good, there is always the other side of bad.

My results unexpected!

2005-05-04T22:13:00.000+08:00

Ok, firstly I was shocked to see my GPA, A person having 3 As can't possibly get 3.148 right?
But I am ok with that because I am satisfied with triple As staring back at me. What matters is how the grades are distributed right?

Aiya, I can't wait for my bond money to reach my hands, grr... I bet Cindy tan must be very shocked to see what I am. The people in NHG chose me and I am confirmed by the commitee. But still, by the looks of the letter given to me. Alexandra has no idea I am a year1 semester2 student. Sighzzz.. What to do?

To call her tomorrow!!!

I am so elated.

2005-05-03T16:44:00.000+08:00

This week's facilitator is great! She don't throw tantrums, show favouritism and practise prejudice. Oh so perfect. She is very willing to offer me information. hooray.

I am joining the band! double hooray.

This is to make you and me happy

2005-04-30T11:25:00.000+08:00

Alright, I know you have been having doubts about my sponsorship because for almost a year, I have been trying really hard to get it. Since friendster doesn't have an account for alexandra hospital, I might as well create an award for myself.

Sigh... Why do I bother?

2005-04-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

Actually, I had a wonderfull day, not for these two things

my uniform got stained with haemoserous discharges
The lecturer practises favouritism again.

Number 1 was ok, I can accept it but not the other one. Ok, this lecturer is pathetic, he... is

not organised (in fact, he has a very serious case of frickled-minded syndrome)
frequently breaking promises
impatient
Does things according to mood
Judge people poorly
practises favouritism
most of all self-centred

I wonder how can a person like him becomes a male nurse. This goes down to one thing; Male nurses are

egocentric
unorganise
Care less of other people's feelings

Yes! This stereotype proofs alot. He dares to judge my performance? well, I can judge his performance too. It's not up to standards, and I prefer him to balik kampong. For the past 24 hours I have being very moody about my dressing, simply because I hate him alot.

After today's cat nap, I finally got over it. Why bother getting good marks when I've already passed my dressing, got my sponsorship? I cannot moan over something I can't do anything about it. This lecturer just don't want me to pass, and that's fine with me. I get my job in the long run and I do my part as a staff nurse.

Sighzz... In 1 week time, I will be leaving a heavenly place that I wished to stay forever. Well, good things never last, and I have to accomodate my bonding which held together tightly for 2 weeks. *sobs* Life must go on.

God of Luck taught me a lesson, that not all staff nurses and sisters are stuck up , moody and exploiting. In contrast, lovable, funny, friendly and always willing to share their experiences.

I have been cursed. :(

2005-04-28T21:14:00.000+08:00

I have being making many mistakes this whole week. That lady must have cursed me real badly, tomorrow I shall bring my lucky charm along. Today, the asessor raised his voice at me and he nearly depleted my confidence. I was really unlucky, my mind was not focused.

Sheesh...My life stinks. Things never go smoothly as I thought it would. 2 days ago, a consultant scolded me for something so small, the IV plug. And just yesterday, I picked up a phone to answer a call and I told the SN to fetch the patient down and she got my message wrongly.

I need a therapist, someone who can help me boost my confidence. It's depleting daily.

Damn that bitch

2005-04-25T22:22:00.000+08:00

Ok, being in an air con ward isn't any heavenly place. It's funded by educated people who are very fussy. Repeats like we have a lot of time. Today my luck stinks. God of luck must be balancing it because I just recieve a call from Alexandra Hospital last tuesday. Which made me really happy!! And tomorrow is the day.

Damn her man. Ok firstly, she came in to my cubicle and my staff nurse ask me to do admission. I said ok.. You see? I am such a helpful person, I love to help the staff alot. Then I got her linen from the linen trolley and brought her the admission form.

She went in to change and the staff nurse was informed to get a change of pants and a smaller top. I couldn't find any, there was only XL and XXL. When I got back, I told her there was only XL. And she gave me an ungreatful tone

"How am I suppose to wear this?" She snarled. The only problem I can see is that the sleeves were longer. I retorted in my mind, " Then why don't you fold up your sleeves. Then the other problem was the pants that had no string. I mean those people who wash the linen should have separated such trousers. Damn them, make me so suay.

The admission part was ok. I even gave her the accountablity to fill up the admission form herself.To think I am such a good nurse. After that, I took the parametres. I always put the thermometer together with the BP taking and nobody complains about it. Who is she to correct the way I do things. I know weighing with the thermometre on would be wrong. But she do not need to snap me.

Such people are so ungreatful. I am doing this out of voluntary, I can just jaboh and do nothing. Even the old malay lady can say thank you even though it was a very painful procedure. Old people have better courtesy than a 44yr old bitch.

So what if you have a daughter who is in anderson JC, I have 2 brothers in university! You have no match. I suddenly feel that this bitch has discrimination against us nurses. Having such a high status doesn't give her the right to scold me.

Ok, I didn't know that you won't going for an op but you could at least tell me you were going for a scan. Just reassure me, you expect me to be so informed about you. Almost anyone in a surgical ward goes for surgery, right?

Damn it, this make me so furious.She just want me to feel embarrass. Firstly, she use a third person to outline her complains and then, she points her finger at me by saying," she is standing right beside you"

She even tries to save her face by saying, "Don't scold her." Is this the way to complain? By indirectly hurting a person and then, directly pin pointing the offender. That is so childish. That is not what adults do, they don't use something less heart breaking.

She should have said it without saying who did it but as a group. This is what an adult should do. Then after that the staff will ask me in private, then I am sure to say, " I did it". As righteous person, I don't deny the fact.

Then the staff tell me off in private. I always feel that the nurses in my ward are so professional. They won't scold or put you in shame.

It's been long

2005-04-24T23:37:00.000+08:00

I realise how long I've not being blogging already. The reason being, I am busy with my attachment.

I love my surgical ward in Tan Tock Seng, the staff takes care of me very well. They never scolded me since day 1. I still remember the first day in my medical ward, I had a really bad scolding from the staff nurse the first time I attended to a patient's needs. That medical ward is so hectic that I have to run up and down like a headless chicken. That felt like 1 whole month although it was only 2 weeks.

After the first week in my surgical ward, I really don't want to leave it. The staff are so friendly and approachable, they even ask for your burning questions. Oh damn, I don't have a burning question. Think think think...

Ah yes a staff nurse named Katie is hip, man! If I ever be her patient, I would give her a normination award for professionalism. When she pass report, she really clear and concise about it. As a student nurse, she let me dispense medication. (-3 She is very understanding to us, students

Tomorrow morning, I shall brainstorm some questions to ask the staff. 2 days later, I will be signing something I always wanted to for a very long time. Some people are sure to be jealous. 2 more weeks before I shed my tears for these caring ward staff.

Some nurses are as stuck up as some doctors. Maybe they are too influenced by them that's why they react that way. They always scold the patients and we, student nurses. We always feel petrified and our confidence will diminish. That's what is a barrier to being competent in our training. Some nurses PMS too much till we can't stand it. They talk nonsense and refuse to answer call bells. GRrrrrr... I hate these people.

I am so shock!!!

2005-04-20T16:21:00.000+08:00

I can't believe it! It's a bursary not a scholarship! Which means I've to use my $900 monthly allowance to pay a $2000 yearly School fee. Wait.. 900x12=$10800. So I have $8800 to myself and that's $733.333 monthly . Ok that's not so bad, I nearly shocked myself to death.

Argghh.. Why do I have a clinical facilator that keeps pestering me? She's making me all so stressed out. I thought I can relieve from the stress from school and now she sufficating me with work, work and more work. ZzzZZzzzz.

Tomorrow would be afternoon shift and I would have to work on my skills and a damned care plan. I loved my staff nurse, she is so understanding and she lets me do a dressing today and I thought I won't be able to do it for this week because I am so petrified about hurting people. Oh dear, I have a very long way to go.

My exams are over!!!!

2005-04-15T11:13:00.000+08:00

That's not the end of my stress I am facing the entire begining of the year! I need a short get-away! I wanted to arrange a short holiday with my friend to release all the stress I build up the enire year.

I went to the doctor because I really had a really bad blocked ear. Then I saw the most horrific thing the was hidden in my ear for 3 years. A big black snowball aka the EAR WAX was stucked in my tiny ear canal. I can't imagine me doing that procedure to people, it's like so eeEEeee....

YUCKS! Gross and Eeewh. Hey listen, come closer to the screen and scroll down

I AM SELECTED FOR A SPONSORSHIP!

Woohoo! But still they hadn't called me. *Sobs* I think they cheated me or something.

BIG NEWS!!!

2005-04-13T10:53:00.000+08:00

This is to those people who are applying for scholarship and have no where to turn to for help!!!!! (especially for those who have nowhere to start on his essay)

I have the exact thing for all of you who are as desperate as me. Read this web page before you move on to reading my blog entry

http://www.lazystudentsway.com/scholarshipsecrets.htm

Like what you are seeing? I am giving away this stuff for FREE!!! I am not lying, I am really giving it for free.

Firstly, you have to email me stating you name, and what scholarship you are applying for.
Give me a few reasons why should I give it to you free. That's all!

Here is my email: cuddlygal@gmail.com
And if you want to have a gmail account too, do the following steps:

Tell me why you like my blog ( no slandering)
Why should I give it to you!

And that is all you need to do to help yourself get what you want in life! Really, I am not lying.

I am starting a new online diary...

2005-04-11T23:45:00.000+08:00

Confidential stuff.

jittters It's coming, the stress monster.

2005-04-11T07:14:00.000+08:00

Help!!! The messenger boy told me the interview would take 15 mins and I bet it must be something really good or really bad. Ok... Cutiepie must not think elsewhere because she is getting the sponsorship she well deserved and worked hard for!!!! I waited a full 1 year to get back in the business. Oh shit, I wearing my mom's shoes today.

No time to chat! Got to prepare my answers.

No happier...

2005-04-09T20:22:00.000+08:00

After knowing I am going for an interview on monday, my life ain't getting any better. Firstly, I can't finish the revision I am suppose to finish today, what's more; I hadn't found any answers to the questions I am looking for when asked in the interview.

What's worse, my mentor so happens is on leave and she ain't gona help me out because she wants to get away from work, attend to the family. I secretly used someone's debit card no. and subscribe to something I Eventually found it useless!!!What am I going to do?

Today, didn't went well either, I bought a very nice clip to tie my hair. I spent 30 mins making it as neat as possible and my mom called it "SHIT". I was taken back. I mean why? I spend so much time and she called it shit? Later I found out she was using someone (obivious she tied the same way as me) who used to tortured her to judge me! How could she judge me, her own daughter, against someone she hate?

When that anger subsided, my cousin came by and wanted me to tutor them. I once dreamt that my auntie sacked me because I was too lazy to teach her son. Well, it's not that I am lazy is that her son has a serious case of ADHD(Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder) ! I could go nuts teaching a child like that.

Never focuses, talks nonsense to himself, attack me without any rthyme or reason, show butt at people, blames people, ARRGggHHH! I can name you 100++ bad things a tutor will go nuts about. It also affects my conscience; imagine someone you teach for 1 and half years and he still makes the same mistake, you could go out having a paper bag covering your face.

It's enough to spoil my day. Then it the insects' mating season today, the badminton court was swarmed by flies trying to mate. My cousin was so afraid that we had to stand at the side of the court to play. 30 min into the game, a little girl bounce on my leg and fell on my back because I was trying to hit an extreme shuttercock shot.

"Shouldn't you be playing there?" The dad asked me directing me to the badminton court. Being shell shocked at the moment, I wasn't thinking because the kid was crying her heart out and it's because of me, the student nurse, who have been studying HS1028 the whole afternoon. I feel so demoralise.

Now i see why my hair turns more grey and silvery by the day... I really feel like Rebecca Bloomwood. So many dillemmas. I could die from it.

Talking about ADHD people, I have met an adult suffering from it too. He shows the exact sign and symptoms:

Selective Inattention - Instead of maintaining a relatively even attention span, children with ADHD fluctuate between inattention and hyperfocusing - showing extended concentration on things like video games, TV, or something that is of particular interest to them.

Distractibility - A child quickly jumps from one idea or activity to the next, often without completing the thought or task. The child may also 'daydream' when you are talking to him or her.

Impulsivity - A child with ADHD often acts without thinking, says things repeatedly, or makes careless errors on schoolwork.

Hyperactivity - Not everyone who has ADHD is hyperactive, but identifying this trait may make the diagnosis easier.

Ok lets use his example so that I can really diagnose him ADHD.

He can't focus during group meetings but he focus very well when talking about beautiful girls, money and girl stuff. (Selective inattention passed!)
Usually talks lots of nonsense with no start and conclusion. Almost everything about girls.
Instead of buying transparencies he bought tracing paper(Impulsivity passed!)
Like to talk alot, no rest...(hyperactivity passed)

Ok merely an ADHD, not very serious but my cousin's the worse everything applies to him!!!

I am shortlisted for an interview!!!

2005-04-07T17:38:00.000+08:00

Oh my god! *Runs around the house, tuging on my hair!* I dunno what to do! I dunno how to prepare myself, I need advice! Someone give me some advice! I have smsed my mentor for help, apparently she has not reply me yet, arghh... Looking for plan B. Books, e-books anything.

This is going to be another stressfull life event. I am now picturing myself reading this entry after the interview, laughing, maybe good maybe bad. I can forsee it! A very stressfull interview. And hey my beautiful blog is back. I am so happy at the same time stressfull! Exam's on mon, interview on mon. What am I going to do. I am glad I didn't clashed but still, they are in the same date. *Panic*

I need something to spice up my life!

2005-04-02T20:56:00.000+08:00

It's always so boring during the exam period. All I did is study, eat, sleep, study. No life. The pass 1 week I was looking forward for the next day, but still this feeling subsides slowly, day by day.

Hey, I am going to this workshop on grooming and it only caused $8 a person. Yeah, now that slightly cheer me up. I came across someone who Loves to study and does it like a pastime! Yes, she can spend hours studying without feeling worn out? She treats studying like computer games.Very addictive.

Amazing, I truely want to be this type of person. Then Life won't be dreadful for me. Too tired to continue....

More complains...

2005-03-31T20:44:00.000+08:00

Grrr... It's the last day of school and I am as angry as ever. Someone in my Tutorial group is such an arse licker, jealous and complain king. He keep ranting to our mentor all because he has got this problem; He is jealous about ppl getting good grades and doesn't want to work hard for it.

Bastard ass!!!! The other friend of mine really hated him to the core and i strongly agree with her. I suggested me holding him and she punch him hard in the stomach. Make sure he feel the same kind of pain me and my friend had experienced.

I wonder why the guys in my group stinks. I can't imagine them taking care of our singaporean next time they graduate. Firstly, he boast about being too charismatic with lecturers, patients, sisters and clinical facilators. This reminds me of this guy at motorola 1 year ago. Where all the QA girls were his friends and the line leader even complains about me to him.

I really feel pithed by this type of guys I constantly experienced in my life. This person is so rude to my mentor that he speaks mandarin to her when we all were speaking english. How atrocious is this? Hell to him, i wish he would get out of this course and save our singaporean girls from getting hurt by him.

I wished I could splash hot water on his mouth and make him stop talking for weeks. To hot until his face is unable to change expressions, unable to eat just like the last time I experienced it a couple of months ago.

I don't want to waste my blog space for this type of person. Alright, thing are changing and I am appointed as subgrp leader from today. My best friend is the leader of the class and now we have the authority to change stuff.

I am going to be a subgrp leader, and I want things to change. For the better, less last minute and more hard work from lazy people.

The weather is crazy!!!

2005-03-30T15:21:00.000+08:00

The fury of the thunder god. I am slightly afraid of thunders simply because it's loud and scary. And that earth quake 2 days ago, It's coming towards our direction. Parts of singapore felt it.

That lecturer is crazy. She praise more on a person that wasn't very prepared then the people like me. So what if it's summarised in points? The person elaborating doesn't even know exactly what to say. And she says out content is too much for her, if norain can take it why can't she. She is using this lame accuse to flatter them.

I can't see why she can like their presentation when 2 out of 7 members have eye contact and she says it's good. This is getting out of hand. I am retiring from such idiotic lecturers that are so bias about eye contact. 2 of our members are also using eye contact, why didn't she say anything. Voice projection... What can you expect out of our non-native speaker in our group? Jesus!!!

Pure prejudice!!

Grr....

2005-03-28T21:53:00.000+08:00

I am so angry about today until i could have blood coming out from my eyes, ears and mouth. Just wanting to take a rest when some selfish, stingy, self-centred asshole plays his darn guitar at a dreaded time in the night when I am having my beauty sleep!!!! I will tell you who he is. He's my useless brother who plays rhythmless, shallow and noisy "music" (I can't even call it music man!!! It's totally rubbish sound waves trashing my ears).

Today sucked and I want to drain it away with sleep when someone wakes me up to remind me how unlucky I am these few days. How cruel!! Firstly someone from the human resource of TTSH lied to me and my friends, then there's this groupmate that leech upon our grades. Who doesn't want to forget about all these using sleep?

Sorry for being crude but a tired man is an angry man. You must always bare that in mind. Damn him, BHB person. Does all guys have this mindset? Shameless and oblivious to people's feelings? I wonder!

Waking the dead is one thing, but my mom is one damn hypocrite man!!! I can't wake her up and she talks like hawkers when I am sleeping today. Why? She yelled at me for no rthyme and reason just to get the heat off her chest! She uses me and yet never give me any support that I deserved.

Bawls loudly!!! Why my life is so ill-fated? My personal social support is so limited. I have gone through many downs and I am still not getting up. I can't get up to say I have done it, I have finally achieved what I disire without worrying about anything. Still unable to regain my confidence in life. With someone to fall back on, someone you wish he would defend your points when you go home. Someone whom I can cry to and borrow an ear to listen to my sorrows. Someone who can cheer me up. No! that person is gone forever, never to come back and attend to my needs.

That's my dad, the only person in this world that give my solid support until god take him away and leave me in great saddness. He was someone that made home more worthwhile, not a battleground. Everytime I'm with him I feel locked away from reality, that's how I can develop my confidence and self-worth.

Ancestor season is here!!!!

2005-03-25T11:32:00.000+08:00

Another round of pollution just to offer my ancestor my respect. I've being doing this ever since was preschooler. Sigh, I get my dose of carbon monoxide very year and it's normal to me. I get myself sick to make the rest of the year a lucky one. Though I do not believe they ever blessed me with luck, no news is good news.

Nothing happens to me and what so ever, i am free from a life of threats. That is of course the luck i have taken for granted over the years I take pains to go to Chua Chu Kang.

I have a christian friend who never practied such stuff as to visit people in their graves. I mean why do you celebrate chinese new year and not this custom? In contrast, I also do a bit of christmas stuff like send cards.

I asked my mom why don't christians in singapore celebrate Qing Ming? She works in a presbyterian home, so she should be very familiar with the religion. She took out a book and told me some phrases from it.

ephesians 6:6-7
Work hard and don't just please you masters when they are watching. As slaves of christ, do the good will of god with all your heart. Work with enthuism, as though you were working for the lord rather than the people.
Work with enthuism at whatever you do, keeping in mind you are serving god not serving the people

Is this sentence true? No comments....

You know something...

2005-03-23T20:27:00.000+08:00

You know something... I feel like drifting away to wilderness.
Any of you bought a book called, "GirlTalk" by Carol Weston?
I bought that book when I was secondary 2 because I was eavesdropping on my classmates reading abstracts of that book aloud and it sounded very interesting to me. I was very determined to get the book, I search high and low in Kinokunia but it was sold out. I gave up and asked my classmate where it was sold

"Why? You want to know about your crush is it?" She announced to her ruthless group of friends.

It was embarassing!!! I felt a slightly warm on the face and I remained quiet staring at my feet.

"At borders, wheelock place." She enlightened me.

At that time, I didn't know where it was (see how sua ku I am). I did my own research and when down directly to purchase the book. I remembered clearly I skipped many chapters and the only chapter I read was body and love.

This book made me grew up. I understand clearly everything about being an adolecence without risking my dignity asking people.

There was this chapter i read just 2 days ago on grief and loss.

If you can overcome the loss you had, you can overcome almost everything
even when you failed a minor test.

Apparently, I reckon it's false because I can't cope simple stress up till today although the loss of my dad can be emotional disturbing and I had gone through the mouning days. I lost all my courage I had during the dark days, I fear more than I had ever Feared in my life.

*****

Yesterday was disasterous! You know what? A man in his early 40s touched my shoulder accidentally.

This was how it happened:
I was window shopping at northpoint basement 1 when I saw this attractive tote bag that I yearn for a year. Then while i was immersed and dreaming about the bag, I felt weights pressuring my right shoulders.

"I am not in a relationship, I know a few guys only, how can someone touch me on the shoulders like that. I bet it must be from some handsome guy I knew last time, he must be!!!" That was what passed through my mind.

When I turned to the left, the texture of that man's skin burst my bubble immediately. Then he was there giving me a wry smile. I shall let you create your own ending from here.

I bet must be my t-shirt, that hang ten t-shirt i was wearing. Grr... I swear to god i will never buy another hang ten t-shirt again. I know many aunties love hang ten till they go nuts. So i shall not compete with them.

ArrRrRGGggghHHhhhH....

2005-03-21T19:57:00.000+08:00

I thought today was worse day of the week but then again GOL showed me there is such a thing as a "twist of fate"... Oh no... 2 twists of fate!I thought it was the most last minute Important presentation I have yet come to know. I had to put 3 person's work into slides or can i say, 1 person could had done that themselve without bothering me.

~2.40pm sunday~

What was worse of all, it was sent to my email just yesterday at 2.30pm in the afternoon. For those who might me be using your fingers to count the number of hours left before the presentation, here's a direct answer to you...

26 hours to the presentation, what luck... Only one malay expression can describe this: Ka lang ka boh. Having said that, I took a deep breath and did everything at one shot. I mean I do deserve to get a ~blank~ (I can't reveal the grade yet to you or it would spoil the fun). At first I wanted to rephase everything, when i took a look at the clock, " 2 hours to dinner" Then I push everything to one side and said, " hack la!! copy and paste!"

Then when I stared at my own slides I growled, " There's no information in the web! Darn!" Then I helped my group members find programs organised by the overseas. And I found this:
http://www.psi.org/where_we_work/dots.wmv
Thinking that it would amaze my lecturer. ( Take a look, it's hilarious!) I felt elated when i found something really worthwhile.

~ Next Morning~

I arrived early to school (9am) to meet up with my friend who was even earlier then me (8.30am). Then I wanted to show her this great clip and you know what the hell happened? It clashed, the server was down. I was in uttered silence... I mean this was something that would amuse the class and Dr Thomas. I Faint... I could not believe something like that would obstruct me to obtain a good pass. Sobs... Then to supress the anger I went to my email.

The first word i see was the regret word:

I was so angry that i quickily click on the "close window" button.

When the presentation ended, I watched how people faired in their preesentation. It totally blew me away, :'( I thought I had not enough research and such.. So when it's time for the lecturer to announce our grade, I panic, " please don't tell me the bad news." Then i screamed, B! OMG! a B, Damn it. He was so generous.

When i got home to recheck the email again, GOL was good at this. He didn't want to hurt my feelings and made the email looked better (read carefully):

Thank you for your email.If you are applying for a position with NHC,we
regret to inform you that only shortlisted applicants will be notified. Thank
You. Regards.Human Resource Department,National Heart Centre

Can you believe this?

Depressed?

2005-03-20T18:32:00.000+08:00

Results:
Your Total Score is 11(Range 0-27)
None
0-5
Mild
6-10
Moderate
11-15
Severe
16-20
Very Severe
21+

Just took a depress test and i obtained a moderate. Haizz. Oh, helped 3 people put in my presentation today.. Grr... so tired.

I feel so depressed!!

2005-03-20T11:24:00.000+08:00

No sponsorship, no listening guys and Exams!! GOL, do you wish me unhappiness again? My brother the obsessive one keeps restricting me from using the my dad's room. I really missed my dad. He frequently appear in my dreams.

I really need a listening guy that can replace my dad or else I would be stuck in the memory world. Sighzz. Life is so hard for me. So many worries and my coping method don't work at all.I wish someone would take over my place for just 1 day and i could just forget everything for that 1 whole 24hours.

I know i can do nothing much but what's important is releasing all that burden pressurizing my shoulders. Sad life!! Nothing can be performed well. NGH sponsorship again, I want to hack care them. SPAM them! Heart Center too!!! Trash Them!

That's what happen when I am desperate. DESPERATE! I am so into nursing unlike some other people. Hey, talking about hospitals, I am having the same ward with a slack friend of mine. Do you know what this means? Mingle. He's not that bad though. Socially not academically.

Some personalities I possess is either shaped due to my disease. I am a messy and untidy person because my problem is everywhere on my body, being neat does nothing good. More tonight! I going to spam heart center.

Sighzz...

2005-03-17T22:27:00.000+08:00

I can die waiting for the hospitals to reply to me. They truely love to keep me in the dark all this time. I send to 3 hospitals and the output is at ZERO!!! Arghhhh!!! Singapore hospitals have no manners, indicating a no is so difficult. 23cents to sent to my noble address that's all.

Is that so difficult? Leaving people in suspense is not a right thing to do, man!!! Won't you think they are a bit stupid to do this? What if i spam them, maybe they didn't recieve my mail... Ah there is a catch!!!

If only the director of NHG is my dad, then they will know what it's like to be kept in the dark. I will ask my dad to make them be on provation for the entire 3 weeks with no rthyme or reason. If my mom was the director of Singhealth, I am going to make the HR people have a thorough education in choosing students. Especially, when they are too blinded by beauty and eloquence.

Fuck one leh, slackers also they select (moments of utter singlish)... This world is too blind! Then send them application don't want to say yes or no... Fuck them la. I am through with these people who don't put me into consideration. Does it harm to conduct an interview? Or is it hard to send a word "no" to my mail?

*Bawls loudly*, Life stinks painfully. Is my life that difficult? I don't care man!! Spam them! I want them to know keeping people in the dark is not a good thing to do.

My friend really need ME to teach her to overcome a loss. I think her loss can't be compared to mine! Sucide had never pass through my thoughts ever when I had this impact. That's why my friend labelled me as a very strong person.

Experiencing a loss like mine isn't easy to overcome, when someone that is only had that status in your lifetime is really painful. You can have many boyfriends/girlfriends but you can only have one Dad/mom that have the same thing runing in your blood. The status dad/mom can't be changed! But boyfriends/girlfriends are totally exceptional.

Someone who experience a loss of a mutual relationship will be hard at first but it's very easy to overcome unlike statuses that only exist once in your lifetime.

Thinking of the past won't do you much good but even more harm, leave
everything distressing aside and look forward to what's ahead of you.
Achieve all your aspiration and dreams. Everything is possible if you put in
the effort into trying.

That was what I told myself 2 years ago. Crying isn't stopable I know but the person inside must free the distressing emotion. Sad things are everywhere, simply reminders of the past. Just that last week, you did what with so and so are agents of depression.

My friends want to obtain a masters for nursing which I can't stop to say "next time". All I want in life is a stable job and a good husband (isn't that what any girl wants?). I feel that working makes me an adult. Studying is really hard for me when it comes to memorising. Plus the competition in school.

I don't want to compare with others, they can look down on me for all i care for I rule my future and most importantly my happiness. I see a few strands of slivery hair growing out from my head. And that no. will increase even more as the years go by.

I don't know why my friend hate my group mate. I know they are slackers but that doesn't give you the reason to hate them. I used to be aloned and people hate me, that feeling is horrible, terrible and vegetable.

They did nothing to me, so I have no hard feelings.

Grr... Those jerks!

2005-03-16T08:57:00.000+08:00

I am actually using this word on my classmates a few years ago. I like my friends in polyl, they give me the identity. Unlike people in my dark days who simply just call me, "gen bi chong" (following bug). Damn that girl, she'll know what's it like to offend a person like me.
GOL grants me the power to make them have a bad ending when they offend me. Ya, many of my offenders got bad outcomes.

Whenever I notice that, I can laugh hysterically. No evil thoughts though. I can cry and laugh without you knowing it. hiak hiak... A still remember a girl who made fun of me all the time, Bah... She didn't even have a good time, serve her right.

No one can compare a support system to mine. Unlike those jerks in sec school, mine is more matured and less being embarrassing. I can never stand beside them in public, they make a hell lot of noise. Immatured freaks, call themselves girls. Failures in the society more like it.

I have many enquries about this guy I liked in sec school, I think he really got into the wrong company. English-speaking person. Hah! My mom always wanted someone who is purely english-speaking. I can grab anyone out of the shelf and be my friend. All I wanna know where in the world is he...

My life in school dreadly sucked, I can't wait to graduate from suck a darken school.

Rules for my laptop!

2005-03-15T18:57:00.000+08:00

*From now on, Acer Aspire 1691WLMi will never go to any unacceptable sites and get programes that are not very trusted. Anything untrustable shall not be to be installed/ downloaded in it inclusive of pirated ware, shareware and freeware.

Alowed games in Acer Aspire 1691 WLMi; full version of warcraft 3, (to be added with serious consideration)

Allowed Shareware; none!

Allowed freeware; acehtml 5 freeware, spybot search and destroy, hello, msn

Allowed XXX ware; windows 2000 office, photoshop CS

Anything downloaded externally would only include files from/for friends(very closed ones), family and the school. No relatives.

Acer Aspire 1691 WLMi shall have strict rules regarding downloading, which definitely include directX controls.

That help me to get my com out of trouble. My precious shall never be harm by spybots, adware, and pirated ware which has a history of slowing down my precious com!!! Only used pirated ware by other coms is allowed.

Sad thing is my com is a bit screwy however I must prevent anything that screws up my computer.

Today i did something really bad! I scolded someone infront of his face. Oh what the heck? He doesn't even know I cursed him. That old classmate of mine was really shock to hear me scold him, well he doesn't know what a person I am.

I can't stand anyone that hurts my support group. They will have bad endings. Especially my dad, a solid support group of mine I can't lose but GOL has to do this to me anyway. So I curse the surgeon til hell for what he did to my dad, and the collegues, boss of his old company. Curse them for weakening my support system.

Today an old man wants to try and attack my support member. I felt really angry and curse him, "If you don't pass my friend, you shall lose all your hair!" Fortunately, she passed. So He did not lose any hair. I give blessed him with extra bits to cover his baldness.

I really think he hated my personality. Being Crude and heart-breaking. If I knew how to talk, I would be a marketing agent. Earning lots! Gosh! Some people just doesn't see the meaning of life. It's not how to speak but how you have a solid rice bowl for years.

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2005-03-12T21:27:00.000+08:00

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Typing chinese is so tedious. I wished I liked chinese ever since i was born.gosh! I am afraid I might lose my english instead. I have the world's lousiest memory space, can even be fluent in one language. I give up on chinese because I wanted to run away but still it comes back to me.

Chinese always protrays itself liked a chore not a subject. I wish the education system make chinese almost the same par as english.

OMG! MY VERY FIRST LAYOUT!

2005-03-12T01:49:00.000+08:00

After browsing the book: Cascading style sheets; the definitive guilde, i roughly know how do CSS work. It's so cool! Web designing used to be my hobby but when work piles up... I simply do not have the time to practice my HTML skills.

I really feel like a geek, man. Cool isn't it? I must give credit to Anime Inn for providing me with the picture or else I can start up with nothing. And of course the person who created the movie, "The Cat Returns". Sheesh, it took me 3 hours to get everything nice and well. May I ask those who are using firefox and netscape whether there is a big problem or not?

I hate recieving errors. I get mad!!! And the... It's ok. This was something to cheer me up. I didn't do very well for yesterday's bio prac, I did silly mistakes. I bet I got an average B. Life stinks, all I get is negative results. Why my friend so tyco?

Luck simply isn't on my side. This layout may seem like a final piece but it isn't. I stopped because i was feeling really tired of codes.

Sigh... No body speak up for me at home

2005-03-10T22:20:00.000+08:00

Once again, I feel really miserable with everybody opposing to the things I love to do. Only person at home who stick up to me is my only solid support, dad. My mom gets irritated when I speak to her nowadays, simply because she is menopausing. She complains to be ill-fated, what the wonderfull childhood she had. She is always missing out the finer things in life.

She ignores me and always engage the conversation about herself. Who won't be irritated? Does life work like a ball. She is starting to act like a kid who is totally egocentric. A useless grumbling brother at home, he loves sticking up to my mom, and hates whatever I do. Not encouraging me in anything. *sobs* He laughs at my photoshop art, sad life. An anti-cutiepie.

I feel really disturbed by my dreams that pose a pseudo-relationship, first giving me false hope of that person and a clouded judgement. I want to stop dreaming at night.

My friend wants to join some community service thing. I really don't want them to repeat the same mistake as me. What's so good about cleaning tiolets and washing the dishes? You never get paid doing this. In fact, they are waiting for people to help them do their chores. How pathetic?

Am I an ophan to you? I feel that when people look at me, they see a bullied, firece dog. I came from a background whereby I was bullied many times until i made a stereotype on everybody.

I am now having anger and at the same time pity on a person. I have this strong urge to talk to XX person. I want to talk to someone about my problems, my life. Sadly nobody can compare to my dad.

Still griefing over my dad after 2 years

2005-03-10T17:45:00.000+08:00

It going to be almost 2 years and I am moaning over a huge loss. Firstly, nothing is cheering me up, I thought passing my practical test and the A from my presentation was my pride that could last months. But no, this grief is so strong that it needs a 3rd-generation anti-infective.

I wished God of Luck shower more stronger happiness on me. This grief never ends, does my have to be so painful? I struggled so much what do I get? more and more grief. It's that what he plans? A sad and unbalanced life. GOL owes me lots.

Gosh tomorrow would be my bio practical test, i must obtain an A for both practical and theory. I hope it's easy or else i shall kill myself tomorrow.