My first day in KKH and so many things cross through my mind.
1. The first thing I saw when I stepped into my first ward of KKh, was my caregiver when I was young and feeblish. She took care of me when my mom was working. Bathing sometimes really seem to be a very difficult thing for me to do at that point in time.
She couldn't remember my face however, she could remember my name. At the current condition she was at I really pitied her alot. Why does such people who have very good hearts deserve such a treatment? GOL, at least if you really want to vent some unfortunacy on people why not vent it on people who are evil and callous.
Now I really feeling depressed. When I was young, people discriminate me and others bullied me. They use my disease as a laughing tool. I feel hurtful whenever I think of my past. It felt like horror.
2. I was right, J C XXdgX was my facilitator.
3. Stupid nurse clinician demand a case study. What's difficult was that she knows all her patients too well.
Monday, November 07, 2005
Saturday, November 05, 2005
This love...
Yes you can sing along maroon 5's This Love with me.
This love has taken its toll on me
She says goodbye so many times before...
I love him too much until I can't sleep. Insomia, my mind is unsettled for the day. It kept working on and on non-stop for my body to rest. I got to admit that I am insane, I can't help it because I missed him so much that I lose myself.
This is really torture for me. I wonder how am I going to go to work next week like this. Save me from this madness, please.
late at night when I am in a world sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish all the stars there somewhere you are thinking only two
Cause I am dreaming of you tonight
till tomorrow I'll be holding to tight
And there's no one in the world I rather dream
Dreaming about you and me!
sian, tired but I am unable to sleep
This love has taken its toll on me
She says goodbye so many times before...
I love him too much until I can't sleep. Insomia, my mind is unsettled for the day. It kept working on and on non-stop for my body to rest. I got to admit that I am insane, I can't help it because I missed him so much that I lose myself.
This is really torture for me. I wonder how am I going to go to work next week like this. Save me from this madness, please.
late at night when I am in a world sleeping
I stay up and think of you
And I wish all the stars there somewhere you are thinking only two
Cause I am dreaming of you tonight
till tomorrow I'll be holding to tight
And there's no one in the world I rather dream
Dreaming about you and me!
sian, tired but I am unable to sleep
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I finally come out from my shell
I have been hiding all along with my other private blog. Things had really changed quite a bit after almost 2 months. To come out of hiding isn't easy for me, I have to refrain from blogging things that are offending to people and prevent myself from getting into trouble.
If you want me to summarise everything from top to bottom the whole of 2 months is really no problem to me, however, you must first prepare yourself with a cup of tea/ coffee / coke and some snacks.
I stopped at the time before I went for my second ISP (intra-semestral placement). I was posted to ward 9D in Tan tock Seng hosp. That was my ever last placement and the best placement ever except for the clinical facilitator. I have to say that she was really knowledgable but she is also pretty bias to my friend and sometimes I cannot take it. I ranted almost half an entry in my private blog. Nevertheless, the staff was extremely good to me, I love them so much that I can hug and kiss them if I won't an asian.
There were ITE student there to help me out in those usual Parameters, allowing me to do more senior work. I learn more in that posting than any other postings so far. I am truely greatful for it.
Things started to get tense in the month of October. In record, I cried for 5 to 10 times. Do you know how painful I felt. With so many stressors (2 clinical assessments, presentations, tests ) all clumped together in one month, It was really hard not to get sick. Yeah, I was blessed to pass the clinical assessments twice; BCLS and parenteral medications. That was when I feel very proud of myself.
The words I used in my blog were mostly "suffering", "hurt" and "pain". I wish everything would end right away. Oh yeah, I signed up for the clarinet course and 3 weeks after that I quit because I feel that I am not fated to play that instrument. The teacher was breathing down my neck and throwing tantrums at me. I can't take negative comments pretty well too.
The dream of becoming a member of a big band is really out of reach. The main reason I wanted to become a member is because I want to find someone whom I can share my entire life with. I felt wracked. While playing maple story, there was this very nice person who offered to help me level up. I was astound by her generosity and a thought came to my mind, "Why work so hard when someone like that can help me out." I need people's help to get to things I need, I can't do anything all by myself because this is how life works.
I bought the teenage magazine and I saw a cool game (Hyper Relay) .
I installed it and joined in the fun. I did not realise It had a great effect on my life. Everyone in there was so encouraging. That was where I learn to use the word, "jia you" correctly. I looked at the brighter sight of life. That is when my whole perception of life entirely changed. I learnt how to talk sensibly and make people laugh and had fun.
This game led me to know about this guy LS, he was the turning point in this entire semester. When I am really down to my last straw he cheered me up and stopped me from going into the irreversible stage. He pulled me from within the pool of sorrows. When I feel that my life is full of hopelessness and depression, he show me the other right way to life.
After that moonfairy (my HR niece), introduced me someone special. We married on 22 october 9.30pm in HR. I called him DarDar because it reminded me of dolphin bay's 达达海豚。I missed him every moment of my life.
Just last week was the exams, I stayed in macdonalds most of the time. Take a look at my study table.
Very messy right? I am glad it's over man!!! I shall stop here for now. :(
If you want me to summarise everything from top to bottom the whole of 2 months is really no problem to me, however, you must first prepare yourself with a cup of tea/ coffee / coke and some snacks.
I stopped at the time before I went for my second ISP (intra-semestral placement). I was posted to ward 9D in Tan tock Seng hosp. That was my ever last placement and the best placement ever except for the clinical facilitator. I have to say that she was really knowledgable but she is also pretty bias to my friend and sometimes I cannot take it. I ranted almost half an entry in my private blog. Nevertheless, the staff was extremely good to me, I love them so much that I can hug and kiss them if I won't an asian.
There were ITE student there to help me out in those usual Parameters, allowing me to do more senior work. I learn more in that posting than any other postings so far. I am truely greatful for it.
Things started to get tense in the month of October. In record, I cried for 5 to 10 times. Do you know how painful I felt. With so many stressors (2 clinical assessments, presentations, tests ) all clumped together in one month, It was really hard not to get sick. Yeah, I was blessed to pass the clinical assessments twice; BCLS and parenteral medications. That was when I feel very proud of myself.
The words I used in my blog were mostly "suffering", "hurt" and "pain". I wish everything would end right away. Oh yeah, I signed up for the clarinet course and 3 weeks after that I quit because I feel that I am not fated to play that instrument. The teacher was breathing down my neck and throwing tantrums at me. I can't take negative comments pretty well too.
The dream of becoming a member of a big band is really out of reach. The main reason I wanted to become a member is because I want to find someone whom I can share my entire life with. I felt wracked. While playing maple story, there was this very nice person who offered to help me level up. I was astound by her generosity and a thought came to my mind, "Why work so hard when someone like that can help me out." I need people's help to get to things I need, I can't do anything all by myself because this is how life works.
I bought the teenage magazine and I saw a cool game (Hyper Relay) .
I installed it and joined in the fun. I did not realise It had a great effect on my life. Everyone in there was so encouraging. That was where I learn to use the word, "jia you" correctly. I looked at the brighter sight of life. That is when my whole perception of life entirely changed. I learnt how to talk sensibly and make people laugh and had fun.
This game led me to know about this guy LS, he was the turning point in this entire semester. When I am really down to my last straw he cheered me up and stopped me from going into the irreversible stage. He pulled me from within the pool of sorrows. When I feel that my life is full of hopelessness and depression, he show me the other right way to life.
After that moonfairy (my HR niece), introduced me someone special. We married on 22 october 9.30pm in HR. I called him DarDar because it reminded me of dolphin bay's 达达海豚。I missed him every moment of my life.
Just last week was the exams, I stayed in macdonalds most of the time. Take a look at my study table.
Very messy right? I am glad it's over man!!! I shall stop here for now. :(
Monday, September 05, 2005
I am stress and crazy!
Things are starting to stack right before my eyes; presentations, theory and practical tests. Right after the 2 weeks of attachment, I am going to die! I am starting to use that someone again as my buffer because XX has appeared in my dreams again. I really wish somebody from the opposite sex would ask me out to help me stop using XX anymore as a buffer.
I have been keeping all these feelings from my friends and family because I don't want them to see my 软弱的一面。我不自不觉发现我的特别的性格。那就是给人家看我的坚强的一面。不管我有多么的悲伤，愤怒， 都是要保持那坚强的态度。
2 years ago, everyone has seen the weak side of me. It really felt terrible because I want to show them I am not any weakling. I cried day and night for such a great loss and after some time, I learned to live without dependence from my dad.
I think the death of my dad was really a turning point in my teenage life. 1 out of 5 of my entries talked about him. I know I shouldn't talk about it but I want to because it's a way of showing myself that I can talk about the death of my dad freely without feeling remorse.
Everything I do nowadays is proofing myself what I really am and not the person I feel is really a weakling side of me. At first, having a relationship is not for showing to other people that you are attached but to proof to your own stereotype that you are capable of achieving the most ultimate goal in life.
Would having a relationship really proof to myself that I am capable of independence from my dad?
The first step to being happy is to doing what my ultimate goal in life is. Yes! I want to be out-spoken in the ward. I don't want to care about the feelings about anyone because I want to learn! I make sure I speak up in the ward.
I have been keeping all these feelings from my friends and family because I don't want them to see my 软弱的一面。我不自不觉发现我的特别的性格。那就是给人家看我的坚强的一面。不管我有多么的悲伤，愤怒， 都是要保持那坚强的态度。
2 years ago, everyone has seen the weak side of me. It really felt terrible because I want to show them I am not any weakling. I cried day and night for such a great loss and after some time, I learned to live without dependence from my dad.
I think the death of my dad was really a turning point in my teenage life. 1 out of 5 of my entries talked about him. I know I shouldn't talk about it but I want to because it's a way of showing myself that I can talk about the death of my dad freely without feeling remorse.
Everything I do nowadays is proofing myself what I really am and not the person I feel is really a weakling side of me. At first, having a relationship is not for showing to other people that you are attached but to proof to your own stereotype that you are capable of achieving the most ultimate goal in life.
Would having a relationship really proof to myself that I am capable of independence from my dad?
The first step to being happy is to doing what my ultimate goal in life is. Yes! I want to be out-spoken in the ward. I don't want to care about the feelings about anyone because I want to learn! I make sure I speak up in the ward.
Thursday, September 01, 2005
life stinks!!!
I haven't started class and I am already scolding Yamaha's system!!! Why can't the teacher choose a book that is available in stock? Why is the receptionist so cold and not customer-oriented?
There's no point feeling angry about. Ok, I am feeling pretty moody lately becuase I am having my menses. All these thing just have to happen to me. I am really wondering why before all this happenings ever started, I was feeling ok.
Just before everything including way back july 2003! I hate life, there is no meaning moving on! I thought if I never had started being a human and knowing all my ethics. I don't want to continue acting the role of me!
The role of me sucks. First, you have to feel sympathy for anything unfortunate. Second, you require to hold back your emotions in front of people. Third, you must feel as if you are a nun. fourth, get bullied. Fifth, lose confidence.
You see? My role is shit! Why is there such a role in life in this world. The problem here is that I can't quit! My past shaped those qualities. People dispised me because of my skin quality was different from theirs.
I think albinos have better life than me although they have a different skin quality from people. Sometimes being normal is a really special thing. Normal is to have a complete healthy extended family, grands are still there, very loving and welcoming. Normal is to have results that will lead you to your dreams. Normal is to have a happy childhood. Normal is to go through every stage of life smoothly.
That is normality.
***
I feel being adult is boring! I want all children in this world to know being adult ain't something glamourous. Once you start landing yourself in a job, you will be working all your life and there's ain't time for yourself. All you do is to work and work and work! Once to obtain that concrete operational thoughts of being a human like what I am having now, you won't want be human already.
Life is so depressing, got job, there is no trill. Even if you have the trill, you think it's too stressful. When you are jobless, you feel deeply depress and useless.
There's no point feeling angry about. Ok, I am feeling pretty moody lately becuase I am having my menses. All these thing just have to happen to me. I am really wondering why before all this happenings ever started, I was feeling ok.
Just before everything including way back july 2003! I hate life, there is no meaning moving on! I thought if I never had started being a human and knowing all my ethics. I don't want to continue acting the role of me!
The role of me sucks. First, you have to feel sympathy for anything unfortunate. Second, you require to hold back your emotions in front of people. Third, you must feel as if you are a nun. fourth, get bullied. Fifth, lose confidence.
You see? My role is shit! Why is there such a role in life in this world. The problem here is that I can't quit! My past shaped those qualities. People dispised me because of my skin quality was different from theirs.
I think albinos have better life than me although they have a different skin quality from people. Sometimes being normal is a really special thing. Normal is to have a complete healthy extended family, grands are still there, very loving and welcoming. Normal is to have results that will lead you to your dreams. Normal is to have a happy childhood. Normal is to go through every stage of life smoothly.
That is normality.
***
I feel being adult is boring! I want all children in this world to know being adult ain't something glamourous. Once you start landing yourself in a job, you will be working all your life and there's ain't time for yourself. All you do is to work and work and work! Once to obtain that concrete operational thoughts of being a human like what I am having now, you won't want be human already.
Life is so depressing, got job, there is no trill. Even if you have the trill, you think it's too stressful. When you are jobless, you feel deeply depress and useless.
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