Things are starting to stack right before my eyes; presentations, theory and practical tests. Right after the 2 weeks of attachment, I am going to die! I am starting to use that someone again as my buffer because XX has appeared in my dreams again. I really wish somebody from the opposite sex would ask me out to help me stop using XX anymore as a buffer.
I have been keeping all these feelings from my friends and family because I don't want them to see my 软弱的一面。我不自不觉发现我的特别的性格。那就是给人家看我的坚强的一面。不管我有多么的悲伤，愤怒， 都是要保持那坚强的态度。
2 years ago, everyone has seen the weak side of me. It really felt terrible because I want to show them I am not any weakling. I cried day and night for such a great loss and after some time, I learned to live without dependence from my dad.
I think the death of my dad was really a turning point in my teenage life. 1 out of 5 of my entries talked about him. I know I shouldn't talk about it but I want to because it's a way of showing myself that I can talk about the death of my dad freely without feeling remorse.
Everything I do nowadays is proofing myself what I really am and not the person I feel is really a weakling side of me. At first, having a relationship is not for showing to other people that you are attached but to proof to your own stereotype that you are capable of achieving the most ultimate goal in life.
Would having a relationship really proof to myself that I am capable of independence from my dad?
The first step to being happy is to doing what my ultimate goal in life is. Yes! I want to be out-spoken in the ward. I don't want to care about the feelings about anyone because I want to learn! I make sure I speak up in the ward.
Monday, September 05, 2005
Thursday, September 01, 2005
life stinks!!!
I haven't started class and I am already scolding Yamaha's system!!! Why can't the teacher choose a book that is available in stock? Why is the receptionist so cold and not customer-oriented?
There's no point feeling angry about. Ok, I am feeling pretty moody lately becuase I am having my menses. All these thing just have to happen to me. I am really wondering why before all this happenings ever started, I was feeling ok.
Just before everything including way back july 2003! I hate life, there is no meaning moving on! I thought if I never had started being a human and knowing all my ethics. I don't want to continue acting the role of me!
The role of me sucks. First, you have to feel sympathy for anything unfortunate. Second, you require to hold back your emotions in front of people. Third, you must feel as if you are a nun. fourth, get bullied. Fifth, lose confidence.
You see? My role is shit! Why is there such a role in life in this world. The problem here is that I can't quit! My past shaped those qualities. People dispised me because of my skin quality was different from theirs.
I think albinos have better life than me although they have a different skin quality from people. Sometimes being normal is a really special thing. Normal is to have a complete healthy extended family, grands are still there, very loving and welcoming. Normal is to have results that will lead you to your dreams. Normal is to have a happy childhood. Normal is to go through every stage of life smoothly.
That is normality.
***
I feel being adult is boring! I want all children in this world to know being adult ain't something glamourous. Once you start landing yourself in a job, you will be working all your life and there's ain't time for yourself. All you do is to work and work and work! Once to obtain that concrete operational thoughts of being a human like what I am having now, you won't want be human already.
Life is so depressing, got job, there is no trill. Even if you have the trill, you think it's too stressful. When you are jobless, you feel deeply depress and useless.
There's no point feeling angry about. Ok, I am feeling pretty moody lately becuase I am having my menses. All these thing just have to happen to me. I am really wondering why before all this happenings ever started, I was feeling ok.
Just before everything including way back july 2003! I hate life, there is no meaning moving on! I thought if I never had started being a human and knowing all my ethics. I don't want to continue acting the role of me!
The role of me sucks. First, you have to feel sympathy for anything unfortunate. Second, you require to hold back your emotions in front of people. Third, you must feel as if you are a nun. fourth, get bullied. Fifth, lose confidence.
You see? My role is shit! Why is there such a role in life in this world. The problem here is that I can't quit! My past shaped those qualities. People dispised me because of my skin quality was different from theirs.
I think albinos have better life than me although they have a different skin quality from people. Sometimes being normal is a really special thing. Normal is to have a complete healthy extended family, grands are still there, very loving and welcoming. Normal is to have results that will lead you to your dreams. Normal is to have a happy childhood. Normal is to go through every stage of life smoothly.
That is normality.
***
I feel being adult is boring! I want all children in this world to know being adult ain't something glamourous. Once you start landing yourself in a job, you will be working all your life and there's ain't time for yourself. All you do is to work and work and work! Once to obtain that concrete operational thoughts of being a human like what I am having now, you won't want be human already.
Life is so depressing, got job, there is no trill. Even if you have the trill, you think it's too stressful. When you are jobless, you feel deeply depress and useless.
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