Things are starting to stack right before my eyes; presentations, theory and practical tests. Right after the 2 weeks of attachment, I am going to die! I am starting to use that someone again as my buffer because XX has appeared in my dreams again. I really wish somebody from the opposite sex would ask me out to help me stop using XX anymore as a buffer.
I have been keeping all these feelings from my friends and family because I don't want them to see my 软弱的一面。我不自不觉发现我的特别的性格。那就是给人家看我的坚强的一面。不管我有多么的悲伤，愤怒， 都是要保持那坚强的态度。
2 years ago, everyone has seen the weak side of me. It really felt terrible because I want to show them I am not any weakling. I cried day and night for such a great loss and after some time, I learned to live without dependence from my dad.
I think the death of my dad was really a turning point in my teenage life. 1 out of 5 of my entries talked about him. I know I shouldn't talk about it but I want to because it's a way of showing myself that I can talk about the death of my dad freely without feeling remorse.
Everything I do nowadays is proofing myself what I really am and not the person I feel is really a weakling side of me. At first, having a relationship is not for showing to other people that you are attached but to proof to your own stereotype that you are capable of achieving the most ultimate goal in life.
Would having a relationship really proof to myself that I am capable of independence from my dad?
The first step to being happy is to doing what my ultimate goal in life is. Yes! I want to be out-spoken in the ward. I don't want to care about the feelings about anyone because I want to learn! I make sure I speak up in the ward.
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