Sighzz... Grief and loss.

Some may have never experienced a total loss which is very similar to losing 1 arm and 1 leg. A distant loss has really no effect on me, for example the loss of my grandad 10 years ago when I was only 7 years.

When I saw my mother crying, I innocently ask why is she crying for my grandad. I did not know anything about dying. She replied to me saying that he will never never come back alive to smile and share experiences with you. I knew i was still confused, why not come back?

To think I have such ilogical thinking. The loss of my dad was a very huge impact for me. I totally understand why Everyone cries and sobs at a wake. It's because when ever you think about what the person did to you and he will never ever be doing it again.

Losing your parents are the most devastating to a person simply because you will only have 1 mother and 1 father in your entire life. Once lost, nothing can replace them. I feel sorry for those who are ophans and have never experience family love before.

As blood bonds, you will never lose them as much as friends do. Please note that evil parents are not taken into account for example, gambling dads and selfish moms. Even you lost a friend (may it b a mutual or relationship), there is still a cushion to bounce back on.

ALWAYS TREASURE YOUR PARENTS, eventhough they scold or throw you out of the house they are still your parents who are concerned about your safety. Don't forget they brought you up to who you are today.

My effort all wasted.

I feel cheated, used and gullible. I shouldn't have felt pity on anyone simply because someone take her joy and happiness for granted. This I really feel extremely stupid for the past 10 years of my life. Such lessons had told me off over and over again not to help other people, be more strong willed and I persist. Why am I such an ass? Once again, I must kick myself a few times to remind myself.

Little does that person knows, I woke up early all for that particular person, however, she see it as a negative side of life. Even a crappy man knows that I am doing this out of concern. I want to retire from life that are infested with self-centred people. If only there would be a spray that would disinfect such failures of society. *sobs pitifully*

I shouldn't be so soft hearted, i must let these people know what is it like to be taken for granted. I can't accept the fact that I am used for over 10 years. Have I told you about the diarrhoea I had?

Oh yes! It gave me so much trauma. I will never and I say never eat food cooked from anyone else's house again. It didn't went right after experiencing a bad diarrhoea on the bus back home:

I was scanning my EZ-link card when the card reader alarmed loudly at my face, I quickly whispered, " fuck this card! threre's no money in it" I searched my OP bag quickily for small change and there simply nothing left to save me. So I have to thicken my skin and stride towards the back of the bus, acting blur I didn't know a thing.

There was a sudden acute pain on my abdominal, I cried loudly in my brain, " shucks that unhygienic food i ate today" All i did was to curse the person who cooked it. I kept having cold sweat. Once i reached the gates of heaven, the toilet. I found out instantly... No toilet paper!!!!

Instantly the word " gauze" brought up. I dug for the pieces of gauze that was unused during my dressing. Dun you say the gauze can clog tiolet cuz i have totally no choice. This is what happens when the cleaners dun provide the paper for me, serve them right.

See. After going through all these ordeals, i hope that person feel gratituted to have me. but... NO!!!

***

I can't believe i had a crush on someone that i hated today, but to think back, i like him because he was approachable. Sadly i am blinded by jealousy. I have to let go of my horrible feelings before judging a person.

luck?But you said our future is controlled by our own two hands?

I am a free thinker, i believe solely in luck! Luck is a powerfull thing, you hadn't figure it out yet?

• how did i pass my test? My luck simply... The lecturer was kind and fogiving. If not i am out straight away
• Having a great family is my luck!
• getting great results isn't easy, first you must have a good lecturer
• Making sure you do not forget anything during ur test is your luck
• Being lucky you ain't sleeping along the streets
• being lucky life is peacefull and progressive during your generation

Have I impressed you? Luck is everything, your past, present and the future. Imagine a bad day... Yah, I know, life sucks but everytime think about the good things in life when you are feeling down.

I can make my own religion, the luck god. yeah! After learning cross-cultural psychology, i found out that are just too many types of religions, cultures and languages in the world. I can make my own religion and nobody will notice it.

Yesterday i went to my friend's bungalow. The cats in her house were so adorable, making me want to adopt one. Sighz. I have no long term responsibilities therefore i shall not risk it. I am already cruel to my pet already and i dun want to do anything more to other animals.

It really feels good to stay at home, but when it persist for many months, it sucks. SO BORING. I can't believe cats can entertain themselves at home. Well, still pondering about having a CCA or not.

The advantage would be to make more friends, more guy friends especially those manly one not whimps. I want to get the tired bug out of mind. i can never sleep enough. My unvoluntary mind control my actions too much!!! I must stop it's evil doings.

Disadvantage would be no more shopping and no more afternoon naps for me to enjoy, Shits. This decision is so hard to make. Have to listen to my unconsious mind again; going to bed. got to go.

I PASSED MY PRACTICAL TEST!!!!

I did? Who did it for me? The drug teaching part was a great embarassment. I am so unwilling to pass it because i simply had so many mistakes!!! I am not competent enough:

1. Flustered
2. shaking
3. shivering
4. uncertainty

And i put the case notes on the patient!! I feel so use useless, especially the syrup part, i spill it all over. I could had cried that time. Luck still held on to me. When i passed, i can't accept the fact because i did too many mistakes.

You would be thinking that I am mad because anyone who pass would be walking away in great happiness. I really need a psychiatrist, i am having stupid emotions that is not suppose to have . Can someone tell me i failed? I bet i will feel much better.

Worse of all, I thought i had to be assess again, no ending. Assessments after assessments, it won't stop. Nobody in the right mind would have some sort of thoughts about wanting to fail.

Hey, have you notice something? my luck is clinging tightly onto me. This means that the sponsorship is coming and life won't be the same already... Yeah, yeah, man yun give it a rest, you suck at anything: music, language, games, nursing skills, cooking. The only thing that man yun is good at is of course non-stop scratching. How pathetic!!!!

One of the headmaster of hogwarts( Phineas Nigellus) made this sentence is 100% true:

You see? Never understand your students. They hate it. They rather be tragically
misunderstood, wallow in self pity, stew on their own....

I prefer to wallow in self pity because nobody knows about my feelings. blogging more tonite...

Oh i am so nervous...

This thing comes around every semester, just like a Sale in orchard. In contrast, it's very stressful and nerve breaking. Nor it's an exam or a competition. It's under individualise pressure, do or fail. What is it?


You well have guessed it... My good old practical test on MONDAY! Very suprising isn't it? I had 5 days to prepare this fearful battle, no way am i gona chicken out! I will survive! Yes and i must.

I am glad that i wasn't in the morning just right after lunch to make the lecturer less PMSed. Monday 3pm- 4pm is the day of devastation or a the day of estasy. Two words will determine them; Pass / fail.

Something to cheer me up: a New personal lap top just for me! I love my mom, she's the greatest! So fullfiling to my needs. I can't find another parent like her out there, so determined and ambitious. I can't believe she could join a society while working that's cool! If only i could pull up all my depressed thoughts during work and concentrate on having fun.

I want to get a CCA next semester. Or my life would be so boring.

What a great Chinese New Year

I finally get to enjoy a festival for chinese people after 1 year. Getting the spirit to recover isn't as easy as ABC. It must be practiced every or else you will forget the procedures. Many things had changed after 1 year. gosh...

1. Nobody wants to stay overnight. The housemistress forbids arcade games so it detered me from staying over.
2. Food tastes lousy at my maternal family. However, my paternal side is getting better at food.
3. Now ang pao come in numerous $2 notes, sigh...
4. My granduncle's house used to have dogs but now, they died. Life's no fun.
5. Watching horror movies seems more like a trend then playing sparklers

Chinese New Year seem like a progress day of the year. You depend on this day to determine how much you have moved on in life. It seems yesterday i was at my granduncle's house been chased around by his dogs. I ran up and down the house. I am actually the pioneer of my siblings to visit his house.

Then, i was there recieving TCM treatment from him. HAizz.. How time passed. The only conversation i remembered was him advising me to be a veterian. Cool job! but low market demand.

After looking at my tot cousin handing over her red packet to her dad makes me remember the happy times with my dad when I was still young and I knew nothing about money. Whenever i collected ang paos, i would hand it over to him and he would shoved it into his breast pocket at the same time me sitting on his lap.

Whenever i think about his lap, i think about the game we played together; aeroplane. Sounds childish isn't it? What can I do? I forced myself to forget about my horrible childhood but then again, happy times are so unforgetable.

I starting to feel using "sour grapes" to fill up the loss i experienced, really works. If my dad were to be still alive i think, life would be more distant and less of family contacts. Sad... It would be the same as everyone in this universe, dad and daugther together as a name not a bond.

A F***ing face

Hey, i am not trying to be vulgar but that is the only word to describe a face i saw today. I was strolling at northpoint( a very small place for shoppers) for nail art, a woman who looked very familiar .

This was where i saw exactly (opposite the money changer)

The image wasn't very detailed on how the person looked liked. So i made another closed up picture on what exactly was that look I am trying to convey to you.

So that's how i define a F***ing face. Someone who hunches his/her back and stares deadly into your eyes. I hate young people who have Kyphosis. It just symbolises ignorance. Can't they walk with their backs straight? Or maybe they just want to feel old and senior. Staring is worse enough why must she looked at me that way??

Crazy people are like roaming all over the streets of Yishun. For 17 years of my life, Yishun had changed from somewhere sane to a totally mentally unsound neighbours.