I am so lucky!

Mood: Estatic

Today's my lucky day. First, i got B+ for my presentation. Then, my lecturer replied to me after a week of fustration and anger.

At first, I thought the grade B+ was something to make me forget about the absentism. Then, I got home and found Mr Lim replying to me. I feel doubly excited.

And something about my presentation, the bronchoscopy wasn't very relavant but she said it was describe in a very good way. Triple happiness, hooray!! 

I blew my top.

I just realised that the pent-up feelings inside my mind kept storing up until my mom scolded me today and I let everything out on my mom. I am so disrespectful. The whole week was horrible and kept moaning over the attendence thing and my friend even added oil to my fire. The others who did not come didn't knew about the lecture but had asked somebody else to tap their card for them. I felt a strong wind blowing on me while I stayed calm and serene in front of my friend.

It's so difficult to hold back the feeling and stop the anger from showing. It has to get out of the bottle all else my chest would be tight with unhappiness. It wasn't only the attendence thing, the sponsorship also made me so furious. They didn't reply to me at all, what made them do this to me. My attendence? My horrible results?

Although I ain't a psyhic, my mind kept telling me that my friends would get the sponsorship and I don't. I feel so unfortunate to be so stupid, fatherless, itchy and fashionless. I really lose out in the rat race in a few years. I hated the events are happening to me and not to other people. Unluckiness hovers around me.

I am a jinx traditionally. I can't believe why the people I was bullied by have such a smooth sailing life with friends, money and everything. Although I hold the power to a great family (single-parent), my life has never obtained a 100% happiness. I can accept the allowance i have and a great mother. However, someone has to take away a solid social support from me.

My Dad did everything to defend me from my mom and my brothers who kept nagging at me. He helped me in my homework and all the IT stuff. A trauma that seem so sudden had already weaken most of my will to move on in life. I still willing to move on without the support from my father although it took me 1 year to break away from the jail of loss.

Sadly, I feel my life is full of dispair and sorrow. To think fathers and daughters are a team in any way. There is a certain rule in my life that when I feel terribly sad others will feel estatic. That rule is cruel and emotionally disturbing. The time I failed my chinese, everyone was happy about their results becuase I was the only one who failed the entire exam. Could you imagine that? That feeling of outcast. This 2 events even happened one after another like Iraq bombs followed by a gold medal for my band that i didn't perform for.

Do you see what I mean? I see why I can't make a very good even-tempered person. Everything doesn't fall into place and my "yin and yang" theory never works. Can you feel the pressure of being a ill-fated person?

I can not imagine how could actually get through all these ordeals until today. I am not a very weak person come to think of it. I fight for my emotional life to go on. Forever I will be strong and no impacts shall made me a coroner's case.

Depression is a really painful feeling

After studying psychology, I learned about how my father felt during the days he was still alive and kicking.

Depression = powerless + worthlessness

I am not teaching you first class maths for your info but the definition for Depression is simply just like that. Currently i am getting myself into depression becuase of the nursing sponsorship. I can't even get into any sponsorships from any of the hospital in singapore even though the love of nursing is still burning in my heart. I really feel hopeless in this aspect of my life.

The person controlling my fate is preventing me from experiencing any happiness at all. He likes suffering and torture. I first started out as a deprived child, with my problem, I am unable to do most things a normal child can do.

Even simple ADLs (activities of daily living) like bathing was such a pain. I couldn't bathe in ease, every part of my body pricked when a drop of water touched my body. I screamed and yelled in order to make the pain stop. Even neighbours heard my screaming and they thought I've got raped.

If bathing was a pain, talking about going for a big splash in the swimming pool is out of the question. While kids were having fun, I watched in tears of sorrow.

I finally found my way up to schooling in nursery 1 and I made life difficult for my mom, I couldn't controll the itch and I was 'expelled' from the school 2 days in nursery. This really feels like an autistic child always get rejected from school for distraction. Cham(very unlucky) rite? Wait till you see more...

In kindergarden 1, i finally went to school without the teacher complain about me being very distracted in class. Once again I felt very happy that i can be able to learn something with minute amounts of distraction though (still scratching away in class). I was also a loner, my mother had to help me find a friend, I feel so pathetic.

Life stinks when classmates avoid you and spread rumours about what you are. They bully me because I was powerless to them. Read this entry about my secondary school life .

Students aren't the only people around who have negative reactions towards me. Teachers too!!

When i started primary 1, the teacher was unhappy with my skin and said i must bathe 2 to 3 times a day. I mean like this is very stupid thing to do. Can't bathing cause my skin to be very dry? I still remember the scene when my teacher met my mother.

The bitch tugged my sleeve tightly and didn't want to let me go. All she wanted was to see my mother and get her to make me bathe 3 times a day. Come to think of it she was a real kaypoh(busybody) teacher.

We sat at the stone table near the school field she say, " I suggest you bathe her 3 times every day." Giving me that idiotic look on her face.

Even teachers can't close one eye about my skin.

Let me give you another example of a teacher very discriminated about my skin. I was primary 4 and i missed 3 days of school just because I caught a very bad virus. This malicious teacher doesn't understand a shit about of what i did for 3 days.

That week i missed was a NAPFA test week. The day I came back she shot me loads of rubbish,

"I had to set up the six items for 'you' again!" She especially specified on that YOU and gave me a face of devils. When the test was set up, i saw 2 other boys from my class taking that test too. What is the meaning of this, giving me public scoldings was good enough and now she talks like a hypocrite.

I will never forget the teacher who thought me English, math, science in primary 6. She called me a cockroach when i went back to school to see her. Such ungratefull people. The dumbest advise i heard in my life was , " don't scratch!" Ya, with no rationale or anything. Like I can control the neurons that flow to my brain.

You see... Such a life is so painful and deserved to be forgotten.

I am forced to do a sinful thing.

Let me reassure you I am not religious however I just did something that is against my conscience, I feel totally in emotional pain. You will never believe I speak from the heart when facing people, I can't lie to a someone secondary to me. I only do this because I am pushed to the end of the cliff.

Alright, it happens just this thursday and I was tricked to skipping a lecture just because someone who never comes for lecture tells me. I believed her wholeheartedly without running through my thoughts. I nearly became mad when i heard that the lecture was on.

I knew everyone didn't attend that lecture, however the truth was out and my heart sank deeply. That i knew i am facing the waves of unluckiness again. My friends had their attendance put but not me!!!!!! Eventhough they didn't even scan the attendence. I could collaspe immediately for this was a great impact i could never accept.

Fate had push me to this far in taking advantage of my lecturer's kindness in order to make me happy. Don't you think i did something really sinful? I wished to repay him by good results. That's the only compensation i could think about.
***
Hooray, my mom pre-ordered Harry Potter and the Half blood prince. I have such a good mom.


Grab it now!!!!!!

Analyse and Finalise

I started out as a very deprived child. Away from the sun, good food and exploration. If someone were to study my childhood ( or even just the fun of it), he would just drop dead immediately. It's very complex to anyone to understand, the cause and effect of the events have so many factors. The links are just like my family relatives, complex and uncomprehendable.

I am just exaggarating myself to make you read my entry. haha... Although I had forgo all my painful memories, they popped out from my head out of the sudden. From the beginning of polytechnic life, I felt as if I had started a new life. The deprived childhood life ends here.

I had 12 years of little socialising. It's not that i hate people (in fact, i love company), it's that they avoid me. I don't want to start the concept of self-fulfilling stereotype. Confused? read this entry

I always find this concept so true. Human's mental processes are like senses-orientated. They use their senses more than finding out the truth. I can't say this is wrong, that's because I am also practising it. Reason: I am too lazy to ask.

They worse part of my childhood socialisation happen only during Secondary School. The students are like the more prone to listening stories about me from other people rather than the horse's mouth (my mouth to be exact). They really take in this lie about me. Well, this i shall conclude that the student of my batch are truely low in practical IQ.

What is it like to feel like a black in a white world? Horrible. The rejection from others are too much for you to endure. One word, " sad ".

I have no religion but I preach Harry Potter to my cousins

Yeah, I don't just made myself a fan of Harry Potter Books, I spread the love of Rowling J.K's books to the people around me.

This passion for her books started way back in 2001 where my friends (even a mad classmate of mine ) were so into the new Harry Potter and the Philosopher's stone the movie. I became very skeptical about the no. 1 seller for it's books. I questioned myself several times, " why is everybody into this new movie that is solely on kids?"

At that moment, my teacher who is a Christian is against people who reads about witchcraft storybooks. He's mad, I've gotta tell you. Books like Charmed, Harry potter and sabrina the teenage witch aren't allowed in his class.

" I don't want any of you to read these books, the spells used in the books are probably real and I am afraid you might practice it." The mad ass announced. Anybody in the right mind would think this is ridiculous, an act of stupidity. If something like this would be real, I think the question about supernatural forces (which scientist are finding ways to reason it) is answered and the writers are given a lump sum of fortune for their findings.

I hate this teacher who is always finding ways in which I will convert to Christian. All i did was to be firm and say no.

Back to my love for harry potter. As i was saying this teacher kept saying that this book could be real. So i went to watch that movie with my friend. After that, i thought that movie encourage make me want to read more about harry potter and want his story to go on.

From then, i've got my first book at MPH. I then found out that some parts of the book wasn't shown in the movie. All her books were gribbing, it doesn't want you to stop reading. I never had a favourite novel once but now i can name at least 5, *giggle*

Ya, i said all these because i finished reading the fifth book of harry potter and the order of the phoenix the second time. I cried the second time too. Harry's loss was almost the same as my loss i had 2 years ago. *sobs* and life had to be so cruel.

Although my support system isn't as worse as harry's, i feel that we share the same emotion. Gosh, I made a fictitous character alive. My addiction has worsen. Hey wait a sec, I once told myself i had shallow interest in anything i possess. But now i can correct it somehow.

I want to have Rowling's new book!! I want to know what is gonna happen next.That urge had being running in my blood for a year already. She has got to publish her book soon.

I need $$$

I have being putting all my hopes on the sponsorship i signed up on friday. I think about it 24 hours a day. Even during the time i sleep( dream about the interview), bathe (use the allowance to colour my hair), pass motion (what type of food i ate the last time ). This felt like i had a crush, just that it's not human. I suspect i had fell in love with minute fortunes.

Ya.. having the sponsorship feels like a tide of fortune that i must surf for. It is meant for me to grab hold of this one-time happiness. This happiness a BGR relationship can't achieve, it's got to do with myself and no one shares it ( of course i will share my fortune with my friends, family and relatives who are discribed in 2 words " Social Support"). But emotionally, money can't buy it's positive side, it is the sense of accomplishment that I had fulfilled this final task (which I failed the last round).

So this sponsorship will make me twice as happy (estatic, if you want me to be exact) if get it. I can't imagine myself reading the rejection letter again thrice. The impact would be devastating ( a word deeper than hard-broken). I can't accept rejections well, i moan over it for weeks and weeks.

I must ensure this time the luck's on my side. I will be happy if god plays his part in helping me out by making the weather cool all the time, so that i can go to the interview without spurts of rashes on my sensitive neck.

Weird? I have seen many.

Yup, today is totally weird, out of the ordinary. Started out late in the morning as i was rushing to school to meet with my friend who was equally keen in getting the sponsorship as I am. Ya, I must make my dream come true, and i would never give up on my dreams (obviously this is not out my usual night dreams, this is real).

At the junction of the roads, I found 2 middle age ladies with a girl (1-2 years old) who were waiting for traffic light to turn green. The innocent girl was oblivious to what was happening and the girl walk out into the road 1 foot away from the kerb. The fat lady wanted to pull her back to safety but 5 seconds later, the other lady who was thin and was wearing formal clothes held the girls's hand and jay-walked the moving traffic. The lorry was only a metre away, fortunately it stopped in time followed by a middle finger from the driver.

I was in shock, how would someone cross a road without watching the traffic? My lecturer started popping out in my head saying, "This is where CBL(context base learning) comes in. CBL make students think critically by finding out what happened before this event sets in." Oh great, i am always putting my lecturer's sayings in mind all the time.

So the fat lady waited for the traffic to be safe for crossing and lifted her right hand to signal the cars to from 100 metres afar to slow down. She dashed across to get to them but at the same time they were running at the same speed towards the MRT station. I coundn't understand why the thin lady have to run so fast. She must be suffering from PMS.

Exchanging a farewell to my friend after school, I took a train to sengang to meet my good old colleague from motorola. Towards the journey to dhoby gaut, I found many JC students collecting donations. I was sitting at the corner of the sit and this boy leaned foward above my head. At this moment, i felt really uneasy for an ass (who is of the same age as me) to lean forward using the poles of the train as a support. He finally pucked up the courage to ask me for donations.

I refused asertively. Yeah! I know rejection is a really hard thing to accept it's a way of life isn't it? Maybe he was suffering from PMS(petty man syndrone) too.

This one is the worst from all the others i have seen today. We were playing a musical game in the mini arcade. A freakish guy in his twenties, came over to lecture (notice i didn't use the word teach) us like we were stupid idiots who can't see colours.

" blue; green ;blue; blue;" He spat with his monotonous voice, "dun play this music play that." At the moment, I felt really Du Lan(annoyed).

I wanted to go over to him and retort , "Please for heaven's sake, give us some privacy. With you shouting out like that, people would think we're colour blind, autistic. I suggest you go away and stop being a Kay poh kia (busybody)." Too bad, i didn't had that much courage.

My colleague was the best. She can shoo away this pest with just this two words, "ai yan.(an eye sore)" I coudn't believe it, it worked like a miracle. So? dun you think i had a good day?

Day 1, i am starting to feel stress

It's only day one and I am feeling very stressed about my postings and assignments. There's only 2 lessons today and i could feel the impact.

My counter has suddenly jumped from 133 to 166 wow, i know i have many returning visitors, heehee. Gee, can any of you leave a comment on how you find my blog using the following criteria

1. Appearance. Don't tell me the layout sucks. For your infomation, i know it. I am pure lazy.
   
2. Content:

• funny, i know i crack lame jokes, but if it at least tickles
  your funnybone just a little that's good enough for me.
• Stupid, i write dim-witted entries that are simply lack of research.

***

I woke up at a start this morning, I was having this weird dream where i willingly urging to go back to secondary school (Which i do not wish to in a million years!). Then, i forgotten i needed white shoes to get to shoe, i was still wearing my price possession, the adidas superstar with 3 luminous pink stripes, (jealous? where i had this feeling for almost a year. I forgot to mention this in the previous entries that i bought this expensive shoe to upgrade my social status.) and i had to get something purely white.

There wasn't much emphasis on the shoes later on and I was back in my band. It was having a concert at a very grassy place. I was wearing my band t-shirt and holding my cornet like it was yesterday. The only person i saw was my bandmate. There he went,

"Oi, ni hui lai la! (You're back!)" He exclaimed in his high pitch accent as usual.

"Ka ma ni hai shi zuo zai yi yang de di fang? (Why are you still sitting at the same place?)" I asked. I was actually in the thought that i had came back after 2 years of disappearance.

"wo mei ci zai zhe bian de ma... (This place was always my place..)" He retorted like any other day in band.

Everything ended when my mom shouted, "it's late!"

Why are my dreams getting weirder and weirder by the day? Probably having too much Harry Potter reading during the holidays.

***

--=*The rest of this entry is about Harry Potter and the order of the pheonix. If you never read HPatOftP before, stop reading the rest and write the review about my blog now. You can get me by email or the commentor after this entry. Thanks.*=--

Now at the chapter of occulmency, Snape's teaching him that. Snape is such a bad teacher. Showing his hatred towards harry all because james potter was a bully. Gees, J.K. Rowling loves to torture harry in the fifth book. I could understand why harry is always in the bad mood.

1. First of all he was locked away from the magical world and kept in the dark from information.
2. secondly, he and his cousin got attacked from the dementors.
3. Thirdly, he broke the statue of secrecy all because he wanted to defend himself from the dementors,
4. Then, at the hearing. The court was not totally convince by the evidence.
5. When someone from the minstry become the inqusitor of Hogwarts, Umbridge the mad ass, tortured harry with numerous detentions without a good reason
6. during the detention, he was force to 'cut' his skin with a santanic quill. That could make Harry really mad about her.
7. Umbridge made harry out of the quidditch team.
8. lastly, harry lost his godfather. Harry was always honest when he speaks to Sirus. But he died all of a sudden just like cedric.

I feel sad for Rowling's Harry. How could he possibly clear his emotions just like that to stop you-know-who from penertrating his thoughts? Rowling never gave Harry a good life. But the story won't be interesting if these events never happen.