I blew my top.

I just realised that the pent-up feelings inside my mind kept storing up until my mom scolded me today and I let everything out on my mom. I am so disrespectful. The whole week was horrible and kept moaning over the attendence thing and my friend even added oil to my fire. The others who did not come didn't knew about the lecture but had asked somebody else to tap their card for them. I felt a strong wind blowing on me while I stayed calm and serene in front of my friend.

It's so difficult to hold back the feeling and stop the anger from showing. It has to get out of the bottle all else my chest would be tight with unhappiness. It wasn't only the attendence thing, the sponsorship also made me so furious. They didn't reply to me at all, what made them do this to me. My attendence? My horrible results?

Although I ain't a psyhic, my mind kept telling me that my friends would get the sponsorship and I don't. I feel so unfortunate to be so stupid, fatherless, itchy and fashionless. I really lose out in the rat race in a few years. I hated the events are happening to me and not to other people. Unluckiness hovers around me.

I am a jinx traditionally. I can't believe why the people I was bullied by have such a smooth sailing life with friends, money and everything. Although I hold the power to a great family (single-parent), my life has never obtained a 100% happiness. I can accept the allowance i have and a great mother. However, someone has to take away a solid social support from me.

My Dad did everything to defend me from my mom and my brothers who kept nagging at me. He helped me in my homework and all the IT stuff. A trauma that seem so sudden had already weaken most of my will to move on in life. I still willing to move on without the support from my father although it took me 1 year to break away from the jail of loss.

Sadly, I feel my life is full of dispair and sorrow. To think fathers and daughters are a team in any way. There is a certain rule in my life that when I feel terribly sad others will feel estatic. That rule is cruel and emotionally disturbing. The time I failed my chinese, everyone was happy about their results becuase I was the only one who failed the entire exam. Could you imagine that? That feeling of outcast. This 2 events even happened one after another like Iraq bombs followed by a gold medal for my band that i didn't perform for.

Do you see what I mean? I see why I can't make a very good even-tempered person. Everything doesn't fall into place and my "yin and yang" theory never works. Can you feel the pressure of being a ill-fated person?

I can not imagine how could actually get through all these ordeals until today. I am not a very weak person come to think of it. I fight for my emotional life to go on. Forever I will be strong and no impacts shall made me a coroner's case.