Count down to last day: 9 days

Argghh.. I can't continue anymore in this hectic, stressful environment. Ok that doesn't sound like me. I am a strong girl who can take any obstacle. The will to be strong is fading by the day. I used to have a 100% confidence and now 20%. It's the first time I am counting down the days left. I feel really useless.

I found someone who still recognise me. What is saddening is the way she treats me. It's the same way the other staff treats me. It doesn't really make any difference. I just need a glass of wang qin shui to forget everything. Everything won't be as painful as what I am feeling now.

How would you feel when you recognise someone and that someone totally don't even have a single trace of you in their memory?

When sometimes you really want to forget something and it keeps coming back. On the contrary, sometimes you really want to remember the incident forever because it's too good to be true, it just fades away unknowingly.

If only the human brain was so easy to control, life won't be so difficult for all of us. Complexity keeps us humans from finding out more about the AnP. Which makes our nursing textbooks so thick.

Too tired to carry on..

Back again...

I took so long to update this blog solely because I am too tired and lazy to log on to Blogger to do everything. It's my 3rd day in the same old medical ward and I am starting to look forward to the day whereby I get back to my holiday mood. Counting down the days I am going to work, I have 11 days to bear.

That's not so bad come to think of it. I already feel unhappy by the 3rd day, what about my last day. We shall see. I really want to know what have I beame after this attachment.

I bet I will have

1. A black and long face like the staff in this ward
2. pain when I smile
3. Little or no pride in my work
4. hatred when serving people
5. that sense of drag everytime I go to work

Do you want to know why I say this? This is the type of environment I am working in where the staff can't force a smile on their faces and the tone they use on students sound as if I owe them a living. Hey, don't you forget I am doing free labour here!!! I came here to help you out but not help you use me to relieve your anger.

Is that how a senior treat juniors?

First of all, they can't use a more service like tone on us. Communication here is really hostile. 9 out of 10 times, they can stop losing their temper. Is your patience so limited? Then I suggest you don't take up this job. As a staff nurse, your job discriptions includes teaching young nurses.

The other day I heard the sister requesting the staff to smile abit while serving clients. The staff argued that if she smiles, it would be very fake. It doesn't matter whether if it's a genuine or a fake smile, what matters is that a smile brightens up a persons day. As humans, we have the advantage to express messages through facial expressions. A smile is a symbolic interaction that I find very rewarding when you see the opposite party doing the same.

Why not take this advantage in good use rather than pulling such a long face like what animals do?

Damn! I do missed my previous ward staff, I am always longing to see them again. Even the most stuck up nurse crack jokes and smile. Why can't the people in my current ward do the same?

I missed Cathy!!! *sobs painfully* Eventhough she has a bad day (on call doctors were not available) she still put them aside and does her things the same way. I really look up to such people.

What I find different about my current ward is the way they pass report. They speak really un willingly and mumbles most of the time. Sometimes they won't even give a damn on presenting a new case. I truely hate it! Cathy rocks!! She speak clearly and presents every case very well. My god, I love the way she does her work.

ARgghhh.....

Just had a nightmare. A really bad nightmare. I dreamt that my brother did a mistake in politics and he was going to die argghhh.... I can't accept it! It was too real. I ask him what happens and he still gives me wise reason, "I wasn't listening in class. I thought wara..(some topic) was too boring."

Damn him, how could he do this to me? All because he didn't listen to class and he is going to die? My precious sibling dying? The punishment is stupid. They skin people alive, sounded really like some 13th century type of punishment.

I saw how it was done, it's really awfull to see. The people had to take a break. So I was at home enjoying my last days with my brother. Supprisingly, my dad was back. Well, his body had returned but not his temper. He became very bad-tempered when I told him about spending time together.

I begin to see the things that belong to my brother with the thought floating in my head, "After today, he won't be seeing his precious computer which he build it up by himself. " Pearls of sorrow rolled down my crimson cheeks. By then I realised how stupid am I to curse him about death.

There he was lying down on his bed. I hugged him tight! I suddenly found out he was shinking. I almost yelled in dispair. Why are you getting so short all of a sudden? There were exudates coming out of his wounds. I feel terribly horrified.

The day has come and everyone was there. The place wasn't anything 13th century, but more like 22 century, It looks exactly like the senes in the music video, universe by BLUR. The walls were painted white and the lighting was very bright. Seats were arranged neatly into rows of threes. I sat at the very front, behind me was my grandmother. My cousins and my brothers did a karaoke session which was quite funny. (which I know is out of nowhere)

When I screamed loudly in my brains that all his possessions are no long his, I woke up at a start, gladly realising it was only a nightmare. Phew!

Can't sleep! 4am in the morning, Arghh

I slept at 11.30pm and I woke up at about 3.30 am. This isn't the first time, last 2 nights I always get awaken up at 5am all of a sudden. Why? Trichotillomania Attack!!!

I won't explain what that means. What you should know is that it's driving me nuts.
****
Enough of complaining. I invited my friends from school out. It's being 1 month ever since I saw my friend. She hasn't change much.

Now I understand how happiness is so easily achieved. First you must have very strong and unchangeable interests. I have very frickled interest, I am afraid I get too obesess over it and neglect reality.

I must not have that concept still thriving in my body. It does me no good. No wonder, obtaining happiness is such a difficulty. I never enjoy great happiness up till date. Always searching my interest now and then. How can anyone do not know her great interest without feeling guilty about?

Suddenly I feel like a psychic.

ok, I predicted that something that would cock up and make me embarrass in front of my auntie. Realising that, I made sure I had my mind all alert. The problem did not occur in me but in the human resource management.

First time ever, I have seen someone who is 10 years older than me does things the same way as I do. I could collasped immediately. I could imagine myself doing that many mistakes in front of 2 surieties who earn many times more than me. I bet I will be more alert than her. I knew it, my intuition is always right.

Ok, I pointed out her mistakes again and again but still she hasn't asked for my account no. *Cries*

Looks like will have to bear with it for 1 and 1/2 months before I can do what ever I want. I am now pondering hard how am I to get my new handphone without making my mom kill me for buying something unacceptable for her because 2 more weeks before my money comes, my handphone contract is gone. Sigh.

I want so many things, but I just have to wait for it. Lending money to people doesn't include interest, does it? I thought he would at least put in at least $10 for my prompt action. sad hor? Never mind.

I am currently starting to hate korean series for a couple of reasons:

1. I don't understand them when they use mandarin to translate whatever their saying. It doesn't fit at all.
2. I am egocentric. I like series that speaks my language.
3. I am attracted to buying series that had handsome guys. (I am a very realistic person)
4. Korean series has the most cliché plot I have ever seen.

Huh? what?

I woke up in a sudden to hear my mom report, " I am going for facial, meet me in tampines at 11. After that, we'll go to tarang bulan (my relatives' house)"

I pull myself together to think, today is sunday, not a day to go sign my bond.okok. But I thought I was suppose to use the dye hair solution today, WTF?So I told her that I was going to dye my hair today.

"Please don't. You look ugly with that type of hair!" Using her old dogs don't learn new tricks type of expression

"But it's the trend!" I argue, flashing back about the no. of ladies out in the real world dying their hair, it's like 2 out of 3. It's not weird or funny to dye hair, it's a total norm to do that! Come on, it's the 21st century.

"OK. You can bring ur solution to your relative's house. Maybe Da mai will help you do it. Save cost." As if I can't do it myself.

I didn't carry on with the topic because I know it's meaningless speaking to someone who is still stuck in the 20th century. Before that conversation, I was actually dreaming about my cousin, who wanted me to play with me some wind game. (forgot about its name, obviously)

I reassured myself by saying, "Please don't tell me it's war wind.. eh no.. Ice Wind Dale." I played that game and I am feeling really pissed off about it because I don't like reading stuff on the monitor screen nor would I like to read every single story passage.

"erm, no." He murmured.

****
Cut my hair yesterday. It was a great experience. Firstly, I know I was going to be cut by a lady but instead a young chap. Cool! Although he sound so dull and boring, he's got the looks. Sad... Another imperfect person.

How I really wanted to see a person I recognise, yesterday but there was none. How ironical.

My new cover

This is really my new cover. No pulling your leg. 100% true.

I know the other one looks a little wierd but this one is much better right?

Ending...

The last hour of "At the dolphin bay" was really sudden and unnatural. It reminds me of the way I write my essay. To think the way my teacher commented on my plot, I can really compare it to the way the script writer finishes the ending.

I have already figured out this before I started watching the last hour, I thought that within an hour a story cannot finishes without matching with the beginning and at the same time, have a natural feeling. Hahaha, I still remember very clearly 2 years ago, while I was a secondary 4 student.

I used to write essays that have a very sudden ending, both unsatisfying and wierd. That's why I never excel in essay writing. That's so sad.

Let me explain why I put it this way. Ok, lets start with the relationship with tian bian and xiao gang. They started out pretty well. How can anyone resist a person who is caring, handsome and most importantly who has a crush on you?

Even you have already a crush, but still the way that person treats you, it can really wipe off the love off someone. I think tian bian is a very ungrateful person. Although I never being in a relationship, but I felt being rejected is liked.

Then she doesn't even give him a chance. Then, xiao gang was back to man qing after tian bian told him to look behind him before he does anything. Doesn't Xiao Gang used to love tian bian? How can his feelings change so fast? See this is what I mean when endings are sudden and unnatural.

Next, Ze ya and Tian Bian. Ok, I know they were destined to be as lovers because she confessed to him her love at the dolphin bay. But still it feels really weird. Didn't she hate him because he cheated her about his status and made her break her heart by doing all those ekky stuff in front of her?

Having meet up coincidentally at Saint Theresa, Ze ya and Tian Bian are together. That type of ending really sucks. I can now understand how my teacher feels when she reads my ending. I would be very pissed off.

However, the body was fantastic! Not even korean dramas can match up to such a lively love polygon. I sometime feel grateful for having an ad-less drama without feeling fustrated.

Finishing a touching love story

Just left one more hour and the show is over.... :( Whatever happens, I hope I don't get too obsessed with it. Let me show you what my VCD cover looked like:

It really looked like that! You've to trust me. Actually, this is not how my cover looked like. It's my ideal ending for them. hehe... Wonders of photoshop. Has my skills improved?

As a human, I feel lucky to have an imaginative mind. A mind that can make wonders without making it a reality. I've always thought that handsome guys are flirts in nature. I can never achieve guys like that in my life because good, caring and stable handsome guys has extinct in my society.

But with an imaginative mind, I can have the chance to dream as much as I want without hurting anybody or even myself. Because in reality, good things have consequences. There is never a perfect world shaped for you only.

Sigh... Why is real life so hard? However, hard life is challenging and it makes us want to do something to make it easier. Or else, we will be lying around all day doing nothing (just like what I am doing now...)

Oh my god! I am obsessed

Since there is a 2 weeks break for me to enjoy I might as well buy some VCD to occupy my time. Last week, I missed 2 episodes of "At the Dolphin Bay" and 1 of it was in its climax (had to work afternoon shift). I bought the box on saturday and at first I regretted buying it solely because I can watch it on tv and I had watched parts of it already. But still, I didn't know what was happening and why they are acting this/that way.

So it was a good buy, I do need it. Ok, I trying to save cost the best I can. Fearing that one day, I would be an impulsive shopaholic. I loved "At The Dolphin Bay" better than other dramas I've watched my entire life. Here are the reasons:

1. The plot is very original. Never hovers around 2 main characters, but at least 4 characters are involved in some kind of relationship too complexed to be explain.
2. The actors are totally gorgeous!! (Isn't that what we see when we buy dramas)
3. I nearly fell in love with the fictitious charactor, xiaogang
4. Music is great but kept repeating
5. Can't stop praising the script writer, as a viewer, we see how each character cheats into their way.

My biggest problem now is that I am obsessed with the show. It's such a perfect work of art, from my point of view. I must get to know who wrote the script. *shows a thumbs up*. I need to get my mind off it. Or else I can't concentrate on my things.

With the cross stitch design done in a mess, I can point to me being too obsessed.

Can anybody bear to leave a heavenly place?

The feeling came back to me once again ever since my dad died. A wave with a thousand words. The look on Kathy's face made me want to bawl loudly on someone's shoulders. In three weeks, I am able to develop a relationship with someone. When I am forced to part from joy and laughter, I can't stop freeing greatful.

In this ward (which was different from the previous) I was able to:

1. Fold my arms freely (I loved to fold my arms, it's my habit, my mannerism)
2. Ask questions without being snapped
3. Slack around with my conscience
4. surf the internet
5. chat with the Staff nurses
6. sit on the chair

in contrast,

1. I had a lecturers who remaked me poorly
2. I had lousy facilitators
3. I have many demanding patients
4. I had a lousy score

When something is good, there is always the other side of bad.

My results unexpected!

Ok, firstly I was shocked to see my GPA, A person having 3 As can't possibly get 3.148 right?
But I am ok with that because I am satisfied with triple As staring back at me. What matters is how the grades are distributed right?

Aiya, I can't wait for my bond money to reach my hands, grr... I bet Cindy tan must be very shocked to see what I am. The people in NHG chose me and I am confirmed by the commitee. But still, by the looks of the letter given to me. Alexandra has no idea I am a year1 semester2 student. Sighzzz.. What to do?

To call her tomorrow!!!

I am so elated.

This week's facilitator is great! She don't throw tantrums, show favouritism and practise prejudice. Oh so perfect. She is very willing to offer me information. hooray.

I am joining the band! double hooray.