Why my brother keep degrading me??

He keeps rediculing my clarinet skills. What the... How can he do that to me? I am already not good at anything. HE STINKS!!!

My three weeks of holiday's ending...

yup.. I am now left with 6 days to enjoy myself before I go back to endless work. Damn! I really wished to buy the VCD, 100% Senorita Twins. It has got 2 of my idols working inside, penny Lin and Wallace Huo. The problem now is that I have no money!!!!

This holiday made me enounter so many regrets. Firstly is lending money to my friend Alvin. How can my foresight be such a failure? I predicted that he would return my money by 2 weeks and now it's like (looking at the computer calender) 7 weeks already!!!

Secondly, it's not going for the invitation from the student office. That is really a very big regret for me. Although I knew that going for the year 1 orientation can solve everything, it was in vain. I knew I should had stayed at home and wait for the call. SIGHZZZ..

3 days ago, I chat with a guy I had never seen that shy before. He was making me really mentally drained! I asked him questions and he just gave me that one word answer. Can't he just elaborate somemore. I wonder how he passed his 'O' Levels English Oral. Sighzz, sometimes I really wonder whether he is really the one wanting to know me or is it dee trying to make me match up with him.

Then I asked dee whether in real life is he that shy and guess what was her answer.

"U nv tok to him, he wun tok 2 u 1"

I rephase that in a more understandable way.

"Which means I poke him, he just response. However, he won't poke me back"

Yupz. That's what she meant. And yes! That guy I talked to was behaving that way. I really don't like this type of guys. I prefer those who shows interest, not those who lie around and wait for people to feed them.

I am still deciding whether to buy that VCD. With only 6 days left to enjoy, I will do anything to make use of that time I have left.

Has god of luck sent me someone helpful?

God of Luck sent me someone who is my goddess of Romance. I feel so touched, GOL actually listens to my disires, my hopes and dreams. How can anyone stay 24 hours watching over me 袖手旁观? He's got to do something about all this loss and torture I've being experiencing for 2 years.

One question started popping out of my head; Will this loss ever end even if I have got a guy holding my hand?

I used to think that after getting the sponsorship, I will be able to be free from the feeling of loss. Sadly to say, I hadn't. The greatest 愿望 I ever want to achieve won't be happiness but to be able to relief from that sense of loss!

It's pretty difficult you know even after 2 years. I still dream about my family. It will always include my dad in it, no matter how. In such dreams, I treat my dad as alive and kicking. He was still there to share my sorrows and laughter.

In my consious state of mind, I accept his death. However, I am still in denial in my unconsious state of mind. Haizz... Where do I go to for comfort and some consolation? Probably writing a blog can help me alot.

Hey, I have a very good score for that EQ test I took yesterday. So, you can start saying that I am a strong person emotionally.

Who says I slack at home?

Slacking is a very difficult occupation, I find it difficult to step out depression. Once you stay at home in a weekday, you feel deeply bored because there is nobody to share the boredom. Hey! I love to 发呆。I did that today for 3 hours.

当我发呆的时候，我可以记得很久以前的事，梦想一些我这一生做不到的事。"Yes! this girl is definitely slacking." No! you are wrong. I had 2 lessons of a totally different nature.

1. I learned contonese for 1 hour
2. Practise some cool music with my clarinet

What a cool afternoon.

I feel suffocated once again

This isn't work or school. I am enjoying my vacation, man! You may think I have very high level of stress, can't take simple things easily. Wait till you listen to my side of the story.

It all started with a friend of mine. Lets call her Dee. She was like a stalk of flower that has rich nectar. A special type of nectar that attract bees of all kind. In this context, the bees are guys. I am the stalk of flower right beside her watching her joy and laughter. A very normal reaction would be jealousy.

Dee always do disgusting things in front of me, making me feel tortured.

In my life, the only type of bees are

1. my brothers
2. my colleagues in work
3. cold shouldered classmates

That's all. Untill yesterday, I met a very friendly bee and he is very soft hearted person. However, I knew he was an oasis. No matter how you want to get to him, you won't able to get him. I bet all the other bees in the world that are friendly and soft hearted are oasis.

This then again make me feel is another torture to me. I always 自作多情 for no reason. I know I should feel that way but it keeps coming back. I wished to convert every bee to my brother. Then I wouldn't have to worry about having any BGRs. Having BGRs is disturbing. If only scientist can invent something that can make women concieve without the help of guys.

No couple love and heart breaking hatred will happen. Women can live on their own can carry on with their lifes.

This morning's dream was horrible. Once again, I had another dream about this person (read this damn person's entry). It felt like another continuation from the previous dream. This time Dee knew about my relationship with him. She was so furious that she was almost raising her voice at me. I even held his hands in public. OMG!!! How could I do that?

I even said I missed him when he wasn't around. What is my instincts telling me? I don't want anymore of the dream continuing. It's horrible and disgusting.

No... I missed the club crawl!!!

My evil friend just never told me about the club crawl! Damn her... Can't she just tell me it's on thursday and friday???

Ok.. Don't panic. Think, think... What do I want to join? Band? I am so confused. Someone please enlighten me. To join or not to join? What stops me from joining is the band would be I feel that my skills really sucked. However, a person like how cheh can join the harmonica group without freting.

Sigh, ah yes! I still have chance. I can just send an SMS to the person and say I wanna join the Band and that's it.

****

I had a really great dream today. I dreamt I held my Idol's hand and I knew I shouldn't do that because I am just a fan. Oh that feeling is so great.

假期该做些什么呢？

上个礼拜，我一直在忙工作的事而有时不知不觉地望了忙完了之后,该做些什么？幸好我已经想到几个好建议。首先，我想学广东语。 我的原因是很简单的。广东话有很多用处，比如说，香港和广州都用广东话来沟通。如果我想去香港购物，买新加波没卖的东西，那就好多了。

你看我多为自己的快乐着响。然后，我想继续画我的漫画。最近，我发觉自己的画画的技能已经退步了很多。还想把那些优秀的杰作扫描近电脑里头。我再也不要做十字缝了因为它太复杂。时时刻刻，弄我觉得愤怒。我可以使狄斯耐(disney) 的bambi 站得很怪。哈！哈！

为什么我有一个没用的哥哥？吸一下灰尘就不用做别的事情了。好幼稚！

Free at last...

I am free from responsibilities, free from mistakes, free from lethargy, free from being ordered around and free from any real world stress for the entire 3 weeks.

Looking back at the entries I had made. In the May 26 2005 entry , I had predicted the following outcomes:

1. A black and long face like the staff in this ward
2. Have pain when I smile
3. little or no pride in my work
4. hatred when serving people
5. have sense of drag everytime I go to work

Ok, I am really a bad future forecast because 1 to 4 didn't turned out as expected for the whole 2 weeks. I smiled happily throughout this whole attachment simply because all the patients in my ward really touched me even their relatives. I loved the patients.

For no. 5, I agree to it wholeheartedly. For the whole of this week, I drag to go to work because of ZCL. I can't stand the way she treats me. However, I loved to see my ex-staff from 12B every morning. Sad to say, I never get to meet my nurse Idol, Kathy.

I wondered why I had to suffer the fate of being lonely and tortured at the same time. It felt like hell handling TPRs and feedings all by myself. Nobody ever sympathise me except one person. Hiding feelings from someone hurts me. Sometimes it kills me badly when my colleague orders me around like as if she is one of the staff in the ward.

What made it worse would be the cleaner using the unit nursing officer as a shield to entitle her to be inferior. So what if you know the UNO? You don't have to be such a pain in the ass while speaking to me. Something as small as puting the bedpan in the correct place will make the UNO fail me? Oh come on, she has more important things to do than this 芝麻绿豆 matter.

Having an accident happening under my name in the report written by the NO could really make me suspect whether she had 2 faces.

But 我还是我, no setback can put me down to as low as depression. I pick up anything from scratch without you knowing it.

Using positive reasoning can solve anything.

Loneliness doesn't effect me at all, I accept god of luck's arrangement. Even so, I started learning to depending on myself as young as 13 years old. GOL took away my dad to leave me in a canopy of darkness. Ok, what is done is done. I had to learn from scratch to get independence from my dad. What I used to rely on him, has to be corrected.

Doing TPR and feeding alot doesn't mean anything bad but help me sharpen my skills. Moreover, i have learned to be more effecient each time I feed a patient.

About people ordering me everywhere, I do more, I learn more. I gain more from it.

There... Everything is solved psychologically.

Har, talking about patients making me feel touched. There was this ah pek who doubted my strength, in the end he surrendered and said, "看不出来，看不出来". I wanted to tell him that I have lifted someone thrice as heavy as you up the bed before.简直是小巫见大巫。

My last day ended with the sister asking me several questions of the same nature for the third time. Her anger stepped back when she spoke to me. I can't believe a tyrant can say sympathising words to me. It made me think again about pointing that middle finger at the ward I held back for 3 weeks.

My sister doesn't fit to be a NO. She wants to have a good name, however after the incident I caused slightly diminished her wishes. Why does she care so much about what other people say about her??? What matters is that her conscience is clear. 1 incident doesn't represent anything, accidents happen. Sigh, not a really hardy NO. Haven't you thought about the good things that happened in the ward?

All because of a complain, you think the whole ward is lousy. Have you ever thought that a world without complains won't be as fast-paced and challenging? A complain drives us to understand our mistake and not to repeat them. A way of calling it a motivation with a touch of negative effects in our emotions.

Sigh, she is so old and she has alot to learn. To learn to control her anger, and take things as it is. One setback enables a person to even more successes.

Just 1 more day, 1 more day.

Geezz... My diary isn't signed and I have to hand it over to the tyrant. Ok, I am going to faint. I am so fustrated today. Everyone is ordering me around today. I feel really used that's why I have to do this last "dedication" before I leave this hell of fire. It's a really special thanks to the hotest topic of the week: ZCL registed on 15 july 2003, just when the SARS outbreak almost subsided and 7 days after my dad died. Damn...

The awakening of a devil from hell.

Today sucked to the core.

1. ZCL on my team, omfg she came late. 7.10am...
2. early in the morning, the son of a patient, XY, describe my way of doing things crazy.
3. Sister threw her temper on me all because of the claim form
4. ZCL continues to rant on me
5. my collugue orders me around

The whole morning was horrendous.

What made me happy was XY. While ZCL was changing her, she screamed and yelled loudly. The first ever patient that I met was so dramatic. When I went in, she said this really touching thing, "She is much nicer." in mandarin.

This event turned everything from down to up.

I usually don't believe such things but...

I think I believe in what I did the previous life. I believed I must had defy the god of luck somewhere. Probably, I was a pretty charismatic person and I must had done something wrong and a heavenly spy come to earth and assess what type of person I am. Unfortunately, he came to know about it and he writes down everything in that little notebook in his pocket:

MayBelle (my previous life name), ID: 0392849120, forgets old friends and she has too many guyfriends. 9 out of 10 of them are got really hurt by her because she's such a slut. Everytime she gets into a relationship, she grab hold of their financial capabilites and dump them. I feel sad for them. God of luck, please make her see what is it like to be lonely and ugly in the next life.

Now, here I am having horrendous skin tone and a very lonely life. I very overly being bully by people. Why? I used to bully people in my previous life. I accept it. Yes, I accept everything god of luck has planned for me. I will accept that I will be a very lonely person for the rest of my life. Even how I try to nice to people.

However, I will still be nice to people because I will let my next life be a good one. I know that I am a very hardworking person and people take advantage of it.

I have an idol! I adore Wallace Huo! He's really make me shuai4 dai1. Now you can't say I suck at find my favourites. I am glad I am able meet a person in my life.

Being human is about taking risks

Do you agree? No? Let me my point clear to you. When we take on any role in life, we have a certain amount of responsibility. This word "responsibility" is a word that clings on to anybody from the moment you open your eyes and a sound mind sets in.

Sad to say, being human isn't easy because we have this word clinging on to us all the time. Whatever we do, we are liable to consequences whether good or bad. Just take for example, a very fundamental activity in life; crossing the road. Have you ever thought that crossing a road would put you at risk, at a risk of having serious injuries that will make you end up in your coffin?

Yes, crossing a road is a risk. Going for a swim in a very deep pool is another risk but many do not realise that anything bad will happen. Even a puddle of water can cause you a bad fall. I mean you can't make you fully safe all the time because at any moment you are 1 step closer to something you do not anticipate.

Age doesn't contradict my point. You say babies have no responsibilities but they do. They have to cry out loud to get your attention and feed him before he dies of starvation. They are at risk of fall and starvation. We can't prevent it because humans make mistakes.

Ok, are you convinced? With a reason like this, I find that the recent fall incident is the act of letting her disease show me that I had made a mistake in not taking up the right clinical dicisions.

Afternoon shift rocks, the staff nurse feel great in that shift but not in the morning. Probably all of them get moody in the morning. Oh sian, I suddenly feel sleepy. Got to go to bed.

Ok, I am a goner...

Yes I am! I was related to a bad incident today; a poor patient fell. I have a deadly secret hidden inside me that I must not let anyone know it or else I would have to replace all my 15 days of attachment in that hellish ward.

It really felt like hell. No space to breathe, no space to voice my opinions. The staff were like the hell controllers. You really can't do anything to make them happy. Sometimes when the staff corrects my mistakes in a very angry tone, I just want to collapse and say, "Just shoot me!"

I make the most stupid mistakes untill I can't take it anymore. I am left on my own to solve my problems. Maria has got xin yi, chua has got Ee. Min er could have got her boy friend. What about me? Locked away in an isolation cell. It isn't easy to be me when the scary sister is always on your shift. She warns me over and over again about failing me.

Like what fatiah has said, " She drains the confidence out of you!" She has acomplished her mission. I have loss most of my confidence in geting my work done in pride. When the old lady, Aileen, noticed how I fed her, she knew that I had completely lost my confidence when I did my work. I jittered involutary.

The lecturer intends to report the fall incident to the clinical head of department, Doris Chan. She wants me to write a memo(report). I almost fainted to the ground. She said that would arm me from failing. I mean whatever! I won't becoming back to level 8 hell anymore!!! If I tell you everything, I am a very innocent person. Nothing points to me saying that I am at fault. What can I say, if someone wants you guilty, they will find different ways to get the truth hidden away from anyone.

After this incident, I bet everyone will not trust me anymore. Hey, who cares! I am left with 7 days. After this 7 days of pure torture, I am free from worries. If and I say if I am able to get out of this incident alive, no chains and locks tugging onto my hands.

I shall celebrate this occasion. The party will be called, "The end of misery". All I really want now is the patient to be completely well and get her discharged. I will be in great estasy.