Make me wait? No, I'll buy convenience

Just hate it when I am forced to wait. From young, i have swear that i won't waste unnecessary time on queueing up for food, cheap things and all that type of stuff. It ain't worth it because these things make u lose out in the end. Take for example the Hello kitty Craze, everyone queues up for it just for those wedding kitties. I bet Mcdonalds would had earn millions as One person on average pay $5++ for an extra value meal. Those who had queue up and got their kitties, where do you think the kitties are now? In the deep depths of the storeroom, of course! Totally surrounded by piles and piles of unwanted (potential throw-aways). What a waste of time for queueing. Why not learn from my best friend? Buy the kitties from somebody else and at the same time treasure it as a good memory not a reflection of waiting and waiting.

I went to the polyclinic to jab hepatitis B. Unfortunately many were like me, aiming for the cheapest source of everything. But cheap things aren't fast and you have to wait years for things to come to you. So i use my patience to wait. i started my pre-registration at 10.30am. Only 10.58, i was posted to a waiting place to see a doctor. Imagine the time i took to even get to a place waiting for a doctor is like 28mins wow!(My number was 2385 and the current number is 2340!) At this point of time, i sixth sense was saying " you won't be able to get the jab today. Reason: either the nurse or the doctor would screw this up" My heart was reasoning too. It pointed to the nurse for the source of disappointment as I had a trauma of a nurse rejecting me to get a jab. So i waited 2 hours. 2380 came and i thought a path of light had showed me the way. A heart-broken and at a near-crying feeling came when the number fell back to 2290! I could like collapsed to the floor. That became my last straw!

I prefer my private doctor who is fast and excluding crap like going from this room to that room. Although it's expensive but i dun waste my precious time waiting for a f***ing doctor to dial your number. I choose to buy convenience for now! Everything done at one shot. Don't you think cheap things aren't always good?

Come to think of it money makes the world go round! It's everything. People who talk about health and social life being more important than money, not to disappoint you but YOU'RE WRONG! Without money, would you dare approach a friend to hang out? Would you be staying heathy if you're bankrupt and not knowing when you'll be eating your next meal? All these crappy WORDS OF WISDOM by people. To sum it up, Money is evil.

I agree we can't buy love and respect. How would anyone love you if you are wearing tattered clothes? i am sure the parents of the opposite party won't agree to carry out this relationship. IMAGE! your image is so important to everyone. No one will love or respect anyone with cheap image. That explains why sliming centers, heath supplements come about. So, are you feeling challenged to prove me wrong? Do try!

Achieved happiness? Good for you!

Happy Mid-autumn festival!

Thinking about the days where everyone makes the night so fiery and warm, I feel so tempted to play with fire. Not just fire but making singaporean explosives. Some of you would be going, "Har? Never heard of it." To get you on track, it is made of sparkler's powder. Just collect them all and Poof... Explosive! Erm.. not quite. Just entertaining explosive. (If you really want incredible effects? add potassium to water but first get your face out of the way.) The aftermath of this festival brings horror to the cleaners - Wax of all colours "decorated" the playground plus bits of burnt plastic add another collection to the colour, Brown-black. Cleaners have to scrape and scrub the remnants of this yearly event.

Isn't it a pity to watch the children re-enacting what you did when you were young? Watching is such a painful thing to do. Today, my family went to my grandpa's bungalow. To me, i think he has achieved his optimum level of happiness although he has stage 3 cancer. I had seen all my patients in the hospital both weak and confused. Many were unable to obtain a steady gait while walking towards the toilet. Some had to sit on a commode to be showered. I feel fortunate for my 70+ grandpa to be strong and alert enough to his enviroment although he has slurred speech.Still smiling like the sunshine! =) If i were him, i would spend the rest of my life getting to know all my grandchildren well as good as what do they like. Share my life experiences, show them who i was doing my golden periods. Having good vision, feeling in a pink of health at that age is a blessing. Nobody can understand how lucky we are now. Never once in my life( this is true), to sit down and listen to my grandpa relate to me about his childhood days. I would be glad to listen to interesting ones.

I used to get jealous when i saw daughters and dads being so close and they do almost everything together. I questioned why was i facing a torn family from the age of 15?. Being a fatherless daughter is sad, it feel as if the important part of the plant has withered and this plant could take decades to resume to it's healthy conditon. But i now look at a broader perspective , nobody can have the same father as mine. No one can even match up 1/10 of his personality and intellectual mind. This type of people deserve to be a positive and memorable history not a person who acts as a source for your sollows and anger. When you think about the person, you relate to all the happy times where joy and laughter occurs.

This lesson has always drilled into my head after the closest person of my life dies,

"You can enjoy these happy times once and you shall never be able to do it
again, grab any chance that comes by and don't lose it"

everything is Over!

All my burden(at the moment) are gone. i can sit and relax myself till the semestral exam. Just had my biological test. The only part i wasn't sure was all the muscles. i had already started partying only in my dreams (haha... Just went for a nap) well i m gona cheer for my friend tomorrow for her clinical practical exam like what she did today. Always at my back supporting me, or I will collapse. She even waited for me till I finish my retest how nice of her... I am so touched. I am unable accept such care from people because i had never been treated this way.

I had guessed my bio test to be a C to B quality. Nothing fantastic about that as i am always geting all the average grades for my exams. In tertiary level, aiming for an A for exam doesn't give you much motivation to do it. Only those who has achievement motivated can score well. For me, 2 words to describe: a "Hack care" nature. My mom calls me lazy and does things with no quality. In another words, do things for the sake of doing it. No one can change me... It's my PERSONALITY.
Although i had tried to be neat, all was in vain. I am still puting self before everything.

Can't wait to try theSims2!


Cool!! I hope my bro is interested. hehe...

Unable to stop this memory mosquito

I had doubt my ability to manage stress and failure. I thought I was able to take everything easily and carry on with life. As time pass, the tension increases and I am now having isomia(sleepless night). I kept thinking about the practical test and the upcoming biological science test. I name this type of things " memory mosquito". They kept buzzing here and there non stop. You can do nothing to stop them.Now is already 2.12am and i am still wide awake.
There are still many hidden medical condition i have and nobody can believe how i live life with all these restrictions. You may think ah... Just allergies and Eczema that's all. Allergies are not only prawn and other seafood but peanuts, walnuts, etc. I think some allergens may be caused by some particles in the air. I have this mental problem too.. But i lead life normally. I hope you dun start jumping to conclusion. diagnosis: trichotillomania. On friday, i heard my tutorial groupmate who has a relative who has the same problem and she called her a mad person. And i felt really hurtful and angry. How could she call her that? That person couldn't help it. Many of my stress can't be relieved because of this. GTG sleep. damn Bio....

I can't feel the stress at first...

I was doing my clinical practical test today. Well, i failed cause i had forgotten a few points to say. Not even commencing the purpose of the test, the teacher failed me. The words of dsappointment "I've to fail you" were no effect to me. I was going " har? " in my mind.. Apparently i feel that i did not deserve to fail because i have forgotten to say some points. At that moment i was like searching for what i had went wrong... When i told my group mates that i fail, i didn't even feel remorse or a sense of disappointment. My mind was saying "you failed me? so what?"
I was thinking because i had met alot of failure and disappointment much worse in the past 3 years. Oh and dun let this thing get me started. I've got a whole list for you to see. To me, failure is nothing. It's just a way to make you feel like discontinuing life. I think that is way too stupid to do just because you encounter a problem or a very difficult obstacle.
I will always have this in mind, the obstacle you are facing now is not as bad as the emotional problems you faced last time.

So dry up your tears, get up and start doing it right.

I think everyone should try to adopt a new meaning to failure. How we settle on a peace-loving society is because our forefathers set us a path of light. A light of determination and a selfless thought for our future. They will never give up because of failure.

Practical test = Stress management test

I found out that my blog spot has so much of errors... Why?? I hate it man! i just hate it, this whole thing is making me crazy!!! >:O Gotta control my anger, or else i would be grabbing anyone to slap at!! Is there anyway i could find out where all these errors come from? grrr...

Just had my clinical theory test 3 hours ago and i feel that if won't for my friends i wouldn't be so calm. i would be crying my ass out. Got no mood to continue anymore.. Tomorrow is my clinical practical test on my nasogastric tube feeding. I hope those mannequins dun purposely give me a faulty stomach or else i would be dead. Although i always make fun of them, i dun deserve to be punished by a dummy. They do look funny with their pupils being dug out by someone and hands being amputated a cruel person. I've got this tutorial groupmate who say this to the one-eye mannequins

"If anything happen to me because of you, i shall dig the other eye out. See.
Someone has already did that!"

What a way to threaten a dummy. I think the mannequin deserve that treat as i had practises betrayed by these stupid dummies.

Unconciousness, my life?

Today i am feeling really moody, i am now sumiting my body to my unconciousness and let it do what ever it wants. I have no power towards it, whatever the wind blows, my body shall move along with the wind direction. Does it sound evil to you? Erm.. To tell you the truth, i trust my unconciousness better than my waken self. The waken self is so consciencious and conservative. I hate my personality: Kia see and soft-spoken. I can't interact well with secondary group of ppl in my waken self. Secondary group as in strangers that i m suppose to interact with for example, lecturers, my grandparents(i do treat them as strangers)..
My unconcious mind cuts off all the soft-spoken personality and carries on to be a person that doesn't care about the future and self image. Like the time i spoke to a guy in a way i knew him for years. It astonished me the time i reflect back that day i was so flabbergasted , " how can i say that to a person i don't even know at all?" From that day onwards, I view my unconcious self as a gift not a treat...

My memories...

I am so sensitive towards unfamilar objects. It's like a case of stroke. It can happen anytime even with the slightest provocation. I feel that being independent is good as you do not rely too much on people.why do i say dependent people are at risk? if that person leaves you, you are bound to perish in the hands of decomposers. You do not have something to fall back on. Back to my sensitivity, i have this unconsious mind taking over all my decision (Sigmund freud's psychodynamic perspective) Even what ever i say and do, it's when i reflect on my actions on that day i could even laugh at them. I can really hand it all over to my unconciousness.


I am actually in the center of this pic.
do you see a girl with short hair looking very glum?
That's me

the holistic view of my band without the conductor
he's actually tuning the French horns

*click on the pics for a larger view

Pictures taken on (3rd day after chinese new year 2003 ) at istana with mr president, SR Nathan (hey i even shook hands with him)
I was listening with my mp3 i downloaded from MIRC. All of them were my band's repertoire. All had many fond memories attached to them. I used to be tempted to go back on band life but then again the other me says,

"stop living in a world of memories, you can't turn back time. Get practical! Never go back... Everyone must upgrade and move on to greater heights. "

As this chinese saying goes " ma bu chi hui tou chao". If only good times stays where it is at and live it like a normal routine. To think i look so glum at that time. Still searching for the reason why. Dirty scores? being dispised by victoria school? Or maybe just the pathetic leader of my band?

Courage? Mine of a lion's heart

Once in a while, I would recall all my crushes I had during secondary school. These questions usually float through my mind:

• What really made me think he is suitable to fall under my list of crushes?
• Why do I get so worked up over people with bf?

Well it's still a hidden mystery. I would prefer it to be a mystery because i dun wanna spend time this whole loads of crap...

I am having many mental blocks these days could be due to stress I am facing now. There was once i was so stress that i even forgot to bring the most basic thing to school: my pencil case. Boo hoo... I had to really pluck up my courage to ask ppl for stationery. It felt embarrassing to explain why.

Talking about plucking up courage, i faced my worst fears. Just last week, my face had became volcano land and it was crying for help at the moment. Nobody would believe what caused it. I went to indulge myself on a bowl of prawn noodles. Although I knew I was allergic to prawns but I was eager to experience the taste of prawn noodles. And so whatever you do has consequences, you should know what I mean now. I had to face the public, a face that is of a zombie that just found herself alive after death. It's that serious. Fortunately my doctor got me well in about 5days and I am definitely satisfied with the results which was

• faster than world's best facial mask
• faster than world's best facial centre
• faster than what your granny think is good for you

Of course I would catergorise this as a miracle equivalent to striking 4D and a matching bone marrow. For this I shall thank god for this.

My cute cousin showed me something....

There he is... Aww...

"buy this model now! Great for the lower income group"
Ain't he cute? He can be a Nokia 2100 model. born to be an advertiser

Nah.. actually he was only giving back my handphone.
Now he's showing off his mom's phone

Ok this has got nothing to do with the above pictures

• something non-materialistic
• something meaningful
• he's only 2 years old

He had showed me some of the meanings of life! (you probably would be saying "chey*") When you see him grow from an infant to a tot. You will understand why we live in this world. The curiosity and the perseverance to learn what holds behind the viel. An ongoing effort to achieve independence. All of us want to achieve whatever our minds wants us to do. like geting rich, having a good family, etc. likewise a tot wants to achieve independence and satisfy his curiosity. To sum up, let my cousin be a role model to all of us:

Strive for whatever you want and don't give up. Never let fate guide you, but instead you guide your own fate.

I can never get my mind settled for studying. Everytime i open the book, a wave of fatigue would sweep right up my nose and the next word i would be saying "Sian`..." It sounds as if i just got some magical curse cast on my books. If this carry on everytime i open the book then i shall start this "autumn ritual": storing my emergency midnight oil cans in the store room.

*Chey: singlish for nothing of importance in an ignorant way
`sian: boring

My god! I've the Final answer.

finally got the final answer to this a-math question-- my desired music is up! i am so estatic. It spent me hours to get this up. i hope people don't take my source and copy every thing. That would be so malicious. As i had put in so much hard work on it and even sleepless nights. haha... this really do sound like an a-maths question where you have got the ans, everybody wants to copy it. I must really thank my loyal 2nd elder brother who helped me along this process of difficult. Way to go bro!!! He is always so helpful although he seem to be reluctant to do anything for me...

Damn.. happy hour is over and i've to prepare for my Biological science pract test the monday after next week. And the worst part is that i haven't even started a chapter. What should i do? i always suffer from stress every time i consider the chapters i need to study.

Anyway, just set up my tag board and ready to recieve messages. please do not abuse it as your source of stress relief by posting vulgar language and stupid comments that insults me. i know i dun have much enermies but still there is some form of immatured people around surfing the net. Thanks alot!!!

A great Disappointment!!

Try as i might, my goal is within the hopeless range. Just wanted to load a piece of musical work by an RPGame, " Breath of fire IV" but it was in vain... I will always relate this to my
Add-maths questions:

"Even though you have found your mistake to part of your steps, the final answer still doesn't tally. This shall go on for mins and mins. till, the whole entire
answer is fully checked thorough."

Um, that only applies to people who dun practise much, haha. this was how i felt when i had my first homework. The music that i wanted to load is artistic in a sense that it has a very symbolic meaning attached to it. Can be very complex i should say but... Those who played the game can actually extract various meanings from it. By the name of the song a layman can even find something to ponder about:

"Truth and Dreams"

I feel that life isn't worth living if you do not have company. All of us need someone to share their experiences, their dislikes, hatred, love, etc. The main thing is all of us need a sense of belonging and having being cared for.
To think i used to be lonely and neglected in a world of shadows where people just pass by you not even looking for a second at your face. Everyday was like "mechanical". there's only you and your boring self to drag on. Luckily, I had my family to hold me back to pieces or else my life would be diffused in shadows never to come back to conciousness.
Now that i know i've shallow interest, what ever i like is like so short term. Thats why i usually stop to ask what are the things i like to do. It's just too difficult for me to write down an interest page in seconds.

Part of my Wishes was fulfilled

I had my birthday last month, 21/8. i didn't know my wishes were all very accurate! This maybe fate or distiny but for the past 4 years i had my wishes come true. It's too coincedental to be just luck. Going for my next round of sponsorship where i was rejected twice. i've gotta put this chorus everytime in my mind

"first you dun suceed, then you've got to try again, try again"

to think that answering this question would be such a dilemma "have you ever been interview by NHG ?" two outcomes which are both dead ends

1. yes. Outcome: interview before, dun bother. Positive fact: been honest will get the interviewers considering
2. No. Outcome: My previous records would be found and they might think i m a liar. Positive fact: i wanted to act blur, but i think ....

See! Back to square one. This things can go beating round and round the bush. i can't understand why must i ponder about such a small question.

I love behavioural science! It's way too cool!! Studying about people's actions and the social context. I used to think this choice of course was a regret but... i was definately wrong! I enjoy my course of study. I've come up with this tested theory:

What you have chosen at first, you will never regret it!

Well..um..this theory only applies to me. HAHA!! come to think of it, yup this theory is true. i even have backup evidence if you want.

Dun you feel abit unlucky these days?

why do i always think that god is always playing tricks on me??? Today was the only day i get caught by the rain for not closing the window when i go out. damn...And my mom just lectured me. What's more was that the rain was like a hurricane and anyone can picture what was like in my house now. FLOODS! What's even worse, my mom's bed was wet and that really blew up a conflict. Don't you think this is just coincedence? NO! Plainly a plank. i will never forget my first punch from my mom. that had really caused an inpression on my long-term memory.

Today i had my first sociology MCQ test, wo sum it up every thing went fine except for that two incy-bincy questions i had forgotten to read up. haha what an irony. we'll see the result. I gotta get that nursing sponsorship, or else my allowance would be on steak.My mom always uses it to threaten me.

EveryThing is in your MIND

I've always wanted time to stop where it is and dun let it move on as i am happy where i am .. i don't want ppl telling me what's gonna happen tomorrow or what had occured yesterday. As the saying goes

"when you are troubled and worried, you leave it to god ...."

that phrase seem so evil. It simply teaches ppl to push the blame but on the other hand, i think that this phase is psychologically helpful as in to make you feel less burdened and let you be able to continue with your ADLs. What I mean is that when we are troubled, we tend to be depress or feel like commiting sucide. At this point of time, i feel that leaving every thing to god is a good way to relief all the mental stress acting on you.

Talking about what our minds can do to us, i had my ear pierced for the first time last thursday. To think my friends used to tell me abt how horrible the pain was and the after math of the pierce would do to me. Definately, anybody would be petrified upon hearing all this. What made me do it was the painless on written on the ear piercing advertisement. In fact, i heard from my friend, jane was that there's no such thing as "painless". To me, it only felt irritating. In a nutshell, the amount of pain is alter by you mental prepareness.

what issit like to be a person that can love and hate at the same time?

for crying out loud!

thank you for visiting my blog. i did this isn't because of following trend but testing what is like to have a web journal. first post! what should i write? basically my life is filled with trills and painful experiences. I am ever search for the meaning of life and why do we live in this world. spritually, i think it's because god is putting us in an experimental test of how we live mortality and solve all our ever going problems. whether we take the easy way out or the long and rewarding route. i believe that ppl who commit suicide are true failures in life as you choose to discontinue your life an let god clean up your mess after you. in a nutshell, you are totally selfish to let your love ones worry because of you without a reason to. i find that no matter what, every one must face the music and conquer our fears, let fate guilde you.

To end off, i shall create chrissy quotes

"Whatever you do has consequences, whether good or bad, think before you act!"